Alejandro

Alejandro (pronounced Alee~hand~ro) used to sell jewelry on the beach in Acapulco. He learned English from the American tourists ..and French from the Canadian tourists. His English is good ..and so is his French. He’s studying accounting and is an expert with QuickBooks. He’s sharp and quick-witted. I’m sure the local business community would love to hire him when he’s through. It’s going to take awhile though ..he’s enrolled as an international student and pays exorbitant tuition ..which means he can only take one or two classes a semester. In addition, he works manual labor jobs whenever he can. This is the hard way. If it were me ..I would have probably given up by now. He is very industrious though ..I see him in the lab almost every time I go.

Fog blog

It’s c~c~cold out here. The fog is low and spreading out over the shore. I plunge into the ocean anyway. After that, it feels like a warm day. The sun occasionally burns a hole through the mist. I drive up the mountain and get above it. Nothing but blue sky up here. Below me ..a soft white blanket covers the coast and fills the canyons. I take refuge at the Vedanta temple. I thrive on being in the elements though ..reminds me that I live on a planet.

Huyen

Sara, the head lab tech, suggests that I take more continuing education courses in computer science ..I tell her that I plan to ..but, I’m really thinking about taking courses in something else ..like literature or creative writing. I see Huyen and give her the wetsuit and fins that I promised her. I don’t expect anything in return. I’m working on being less selfish ..trying to break the cycle of always asking what’s in it for me ..me ..me. Anyway, Huyen (pronounced Winn) was delighted. She loves the ocean, even though she can barely swim ..I hope the fins help. She was born in Vietnam the same year the war ended –1975. It’s not clear to me how she got here. I'm sure there's a story behind it. She studies accounting and hopes to become a CPA someday ..she is so diligent I think she'll make it.

Online ads

Google and Microft are bidding for all the eyeballs stuck on AOL. They're worth billions of dollars in advertising. Eventually, Web sites are going to look like racecars ..covered in hundreds of logos.

Night sky

It’s a warm night ..I’m outside looking at a full moon that is so bright ..it’s like a hole was punched in the night and a phosphorous glow is pouring through from the other side ..illuminating everything in it’s path. I swear there’s something else out here. A mystical presence that's hard to describe. The night sky is alive ..like a bell ringing in the meditation hall ..sending waves of starlight and space that bathe my skin and senses with energy and rhythm. So, I go put on the Moody Blues, turn them up loud ..take off my clothes and go back outside and dance in the moonlight. Thank you night sky ..whoever you are.

Hiking trail

I’m practicing meditation of the trail ..hiking along with my eyes to the ground ..watching the earth pass beneath my feet ..also sensing what’s in my periphery ..rocks and trees curve around me ..the stones on the trail feel loose and brittle ..I can hear them pinging ..better take my hand ..it feels like an avalanche ..the trail branches and becomes a riddle ..each destination invisible ..we get together and decide ..we arrive at a lake reflecting the surrounding mountainside ..emerald green ..suddenly flocks of wild geese take off –woooosh! We meet a man with a boat and float downstream like a leaf ..the circumstance of existence becoming more extraordinary with each passing instance.

Josie's eyes

Josie’s eyes are slow to adjust to a textbook after she’s been watching the teacher. Teacher looks ok ..book looks ok ..the problem is in the transition ..that short period of time when the eyes need to re-focus. She doesn’t have a reading problem. I don't even think she has a vision problem. She’s just a kid whose eyes are adjusting to the classroom environment ..not what they were originally programmed for. They gave her bifocals anyway and told her she has to wear them all the time. Now she has difficulty walking ..the ground looks like a staircase and the periphery is blurry. She has to quickly turn her head towards whatever she needs to see. It's all messed up ..she says. I recommend to her parents that she keep the glasses in the case and use them only during class. I don’t want her to get hurt ..nor do I want her to get accustomed to seeing things this way.

Indian summer v.3

Someone yelled “..I mock you with my monkey pants”. I had no idea what that meant ..so I yelled back: “I hunt you with my safari shirt.” The light changed and I drove on ..there’s no telling where that conversation was going ..that's ok ..it was a very hot day. I went to the lab ..saw Huyen .. but she was too busy to talk. I have a wetsuit and a pair of fins waiting for her in the car ..because I know she loves the ocean ..but she’s so small and frail I’m afraid she might disappear someday. Later on I plunged into the ocean myself ..ideal conditions ..glassy surface ..not too cold ..Indian summer ..offshore flow. Afterwards I put the top down ..and drove up into the mountains ..where I sat for meditation at the Vedanta temple ..which is kind of a neat trick, just getting out of the water and everything ..even saw the sunset from there.

Lab beat

The head lab tech told the dept chair to ‘buzz off’ last night .. actually it was more like: “I have an emergency so, if you don't have a bigger one ..buzz off!” They were at the computer next to me when this occured ..and I swear I could hear the lab techs take a collective breath and hold it ..it sounded like: ssssshhhhhhwwwoop. But the dept chair just laughed and asked “..what's the matter?" She said something about ‘policy rights and directories’ and he went “you win” ..and buzzed off. The room went: Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh. Ten minutes later she turns to me and says: “..what the hell ..am I going crazy?” ..then looks around and says “..where is that drumming noise coming from..?” I froze and tried to listen but couldn’t hear anything. Before I could evade the question ..or lie ..she slams down her stuff ..gets up and walks out of the room. Five minutes later she comes back and says “..can you believe that ? There was a band playing right underneath us ..geeeeshh.” But she put an end to that toot- sweet and I said something like: way to go girl. I never did hear anything tho ..and neither did the guy sitting next to me. Around 9 pm, after the tension lifted ..the lab techs thought it was important to find out who replaced the printer paper ..with colored paper. They were all looking at another lab tech named John, cuz he's a nice guy and would do that for somebody. But he was like “..hey, I haven't been near the printer all night.”

Indian summer v.2

Indian Summer ..! I've rolled up my sleeves and I’m running around like a maniac trying to get everything out of the way ..so I can get on with the business of cramming as much as possible into the rest of the week ..like swimming in the ocean ..hiking to Caliente Springs ..pounding on the computer keyboards (can't get this out of the way fast enough) ..and seeing Anne. I know she wants to go wine tasting at Brander Vineyard sometime this week ..as well as see Kate Rigg at UCSB. She’s an Asian standup comic who does edgy sociocultural satire. Sounds like fun ..my taste in art leans toward edgy. We enjoyed listening to Greg Brown at SoHo last week ..he’s a folk singer with a deep baritone voice ..kinda' sounds like a cross between Lucinda Williams and Barry White.

Indian summer v.1

For the last several days, it has been like eighty degrees outside and absolutely gorgeous. Unusual weather for a beach town where it can be foggy and cold during the months of summer. Today, however, my body is rebelling ..getting back at me for a week full of head-banging hours in the computer lab followed by torturous spells in the ocean (where the water temperature hovers near freezing) ..in addition to strenuous and twisted hiking trails. Consequently, I’m sitting on the deck trying to medicate the last complaining nerve fiber by pouring whiskey and beer over it. Forget painkillers ..I need anti-psychotics to get at the root-cause of this misery ..and find a cure for my misguided drive to max-out Indian Summer.

Hiking trail

We hiked Coldsprings Canyon today. Started out on a goat trailhigh up on the side of the canyon then went down a switchback trail that leads to a place where there's tall trees, boulders and a stream. I knelt down by a pooland watched fish swim through my fingers. Made me laugh. We walked for a while until the canyon walls got so close we could hear our voices bounce off. Jim says that there were Indians living here once and I imagine tribes of people drawing water and carrying fish.

before heaven and earth

lay something nebulous

silent isolated

unchanging and alone

eternal

the mother of all things

i do not know its name

so i will give it a word

and the word is

tao

by Lao Tsu

sixth century B.C.

Copy cats

I watch for developments in biomimicry. Biomimicry is the art of solving problems by looking for similar obstacles in nature ..then seeing how nature acts to overcome them. It’s the way doctors in ancient China discovered medicinal properties of plants. Today, physicians treat stroke victims by using medicine based on the saliva of vampire bats ..it keeps blood from clotting so that bats can drink longer ..and doctors can relieve blocked arteries.

Computer engineers study the inner ear so that robots have better orientation and can pick themselves up after they fall. They also study the way the brain processes information in order to keep robots from crashing into things. Just like us, they have to sort through streaming input, detect obstacles and adjust. Interestingly enough, they also become neurotic ..sometimes they sense ‘phantom obstacles’. That is, they see problems that aren’t really there.

Offshore flow

There is a distinct line on the horizon separating the ocean and the sky. No blur, which means there’s still an offshore flow ..no marine layer to fog things up. Jim and I walk along the beach ..watching the waves and the birds ..and he tells me that ‘birds are transformed fish.’ ‘Huh ? ..are you saying birds evolved from fish ?’ ‘No, I’m saying that they eat fish’ ‘Hmmm, couldn’t you just say that birds are digested fish ?’ ‘Yea, same thing.’ ‘Ok, ok ..since they’re part of a food chain ..can you also say that fish are future birds?’ ‘Ummm, no ..I don’t think the fish are aware of that.’ ‘Now wait a minute ..how do you know what fish think ?’ ‘Well, I don’t think they’re counting the days till they become birds.’ The line between the ocean and sky is blurry now ..I think the flow must have shifted onshore.

Wet rat

I am at the college ..sitting outside by the fountain ..and I can see smoke from the Topanga Canyon fire drifting out to sea. That means there’s an offshore flow today ..not the usual marine layer ..it’s really hot ..101 degrees ..and very dry. I’m taking a break from the computer lab where I’ve spent the last three hours in techno-hell. Didn’t accomplish a thing because of stupid file-handling problems. I assure myself I’m not to blame because other people are having the same problem ..I know this because I can see them on Google when I search for the error message. It feels like an oven out here ..my own private Idaho in there ..I'm thinking about going for a swim in the ocean!

Soundtrack

I woke up this morning feeling strange. Each moment arriving in a flash ..disconnected from the last. I eat a sloppy breakfast of Quaker oats and spilled coffee. I feel numb and I’m having trouble connecting to my surroundings ..and getting things done ..like cutting fruit for my cereal. I hear my brain shouting ‘wakeup ..wakeup !!!’ I can barely operate the sound system. I’m sitting on the deck feeling woozy ..but after awhile the tunes start to register and my thoughts fall into step ..almost like a soundtrack. I hear songs with phrases like: “don’t be shy ..let your feelings roll on by ..in your eyes ..in the arms of the angels ” and I realize how powerful a soundtrack can be ..music invokes memories and feelings that can make a movie more or less accessible ..heightening receptivity to the visual images flashing by. All I need is the right soundtrack.

Conundrum

The cocaine trade is pretty stable. U.S. supplies have not changed over the last five years in spite of $3 million spent by the Bush administration to eradicate this bounty using aerial surveillance. I think the Colombian 'coca' farmers are learning from the coffee farmers just how sustainable ‘shade grown’ cultivation can be.

Wharf rat

I am able to get along with the crazy people living down by the wharf. We share similar delusions. Some of them seem to have adjusted to their delusions ..as obsessive and irrational as they may sound. Charlie Swift was an engineer ..spent 20 years in industrial design. He left his wife at home one night to buy a bottle of wine ..and didn't return. He thinks she's still waiting for him ..but he’s afraid to go home because of the trashing he'll get. He's been imagining it since ’93. Those were the days when he drank cabernet. Now his wine of choice is burgundy. Unlike people I meet at the clubs, I don't believe I've ever met a wharf person who says there's a brand of wine that's beneath them to drink.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: A new book by T.C. Boyle called ‘Tooth and Claw’ sounds good if you want to read more about people trapped by obsessive-compulsive behavior. Brain Lock by Dr. Jeffrey M. Schwartz, is a good book if you want to read about obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) from a clinical viewpoint. It is highly readable and uses case studies to describe methods for helping people suffering with OCD.

Lab rat

I think I’ve been spending way too much time in the computer lab ..I'm seeing Windows everywhere and the lab tech is starting to look attractive. I don't mean she ordinarily looks like Lisa Loopner (Gilda Radner on Saturday Night Live). She’s really very pleasant ..great big oval-shaped eyes, very green .. a wide smile, very bright ..and I like the way her face lights up when she talks about MP3 Podcasts. Anyway, this morning she welcomed me with a smile and said: “your back ..poor thing”. Now, I wonder, did she mean ‘poor thing’ as in ..‘poor thing ..you work so hard’ or ‘poor thing ..you must have nothing better to do ..how pathetic’. Actually, it’s me who’s wondering how pathetic I am. So, instead of hanging around ..I do a few quick keystrokes and duck out of there. I think of something I can do to make me stop feeling like such a geek. I go to Morninglory Records and explore. Music renews my spirit. While I’m there I discover ‘Devendra Banhart’ ..very unique, he sounds neo-folk. Very cool ! I hang out at State&A listening to a group called ‘Coral Sea’. They sound sort of like Coldplay ..except with strings ..very sweet ! Next time I go to the computer lab ..maybe I won’t feel so pathetic.

Uncharted territory

I stayed after class last night to listen to the instructor repeat how ‘delegates’ work in cyberspace. It's like sending someone on a mission (a secondary thread) to make copies. First, you have to give them the address of Kinko’s ..then the address of where to meet back on the main thread safely. OK, I think I got it. While he was talking I flashed back to the second grade where I gave up recess one day to listen to the teacher repeat long division. I didn’t get it at first because I was sitting way too far in the back of class ..and paying much more attention to my immediate surroundings ..namely Mary. Fortunately, I got this uneasy feeling that I missed something weighty. Next I flash-forward to college where I would stay after my neuroscience class, with a few other students, seeing if we could wring anything more weighty out of the instructor. What do I know ? Very little ..there's so much uncharted territory.

Time warp

I'm laying peacefully on the deck under a clear night sky. There's no moon and the stars look like bonfires. First, I find Taurus ..then Orion. Astronomers say I’m looking at past history ..stretching clear from here to the beginning of time. The next morning I’m looking down my street, about to walk to the corner market, when I remember what the Hopi Indians say about time and space: they are inseparable. I’m actually looking forward in time because, from where I am now ..the corner market is in the future. Then I wonder ..aren’t I looking into the past. I mean, I can’t see the future ..all I can do is project the past and all the other times I’ve been to the market. So really, what I’m doing is looking back in memory ..(?) Now I’m sitting on the curb ..feeling kind of lost.

Brink

In New Orleans some people have been pushed to the edge with nowhere left to go. Many of them were already living on the brink ..economically and psychologically speaking. Now their survival is at stake. In Jefferson Parish there is a Mad Max-like community living in squalor ..the social structure obliterated. Although some may have a roof over their head ..they have little food or water ..and no power. Junked appliances and wrecked cars are everywhere. I've been told they have a messiah though ..a social worker who siphons gas and goes driving around scavenging supplies. He comes back dispensing ice, cookies, candles, water and anti-psychotics ..anti-psychotics? I suppose those are good for shattered nerves and broken dreams. Where are they going to go? Many have never been outside of New Orleans ..and they’re frightened of what’s out there. Hell, I would be too if I had to abandon home like that. It's become like a Third World country since it was passed over during the evacuation ..I wonder if we’ll pick them up during the next period of reconstruction.

Resurgence: A new book by E. L. Doctorow called ‘The March’ depicts General Sherman’s demolition of the South ..and how it cultivated the seeds of resurgence.

Geek mind

Fear and loathing in the computer lab ..or mothers, don’t let your children grow up to be techies! I look up ..it’s past midnight and I’m still in the computer lab. I’ve been here through lunch and dinner but my appetite wore off a long time ago. I’m running on fumes of acetylcholine and obsession. I refuse to accept defeat. It’s like there’s a defiant broadcast signal in my brain hollering: ‘why don’t these fucking numbers compute ..why don’t these fucking numbers compute ..and what kind of a fucking loser am I anyway’. But the real question is ..why can’t I just back away from the computer and walk outta here? I haven’t had normal eye contact with anyone for over 24 hours ..and I'm getting delusional. It looks like the guy next to me is eating his keyboard ..another person is muttering over and over again about files from hell ..someone is crying about something irretrievably lost ..there's a guy over there shaking his fist at the screen and shouting about how unstable his connection is. The lab assistants look disturbed. When the guy next to me starts saying something about getting a gun ..I lean over and ask him to shoot me first.

Geek society

I’m going to class tonight ..and, I’ve never felt more stupid ..I’m taking visual basic ..because I always thought it was way cool ..and now they’ve upgraded it to java class ..but I got such a leaky head ..I haven't done anything like this in about a million years ..and there's all these young kids in there going 'what's the old guy doing here ?' ..and I’m going 'what am I doing here ?' ..and when I say ’young kids’, I don’t mean ‘cute college girls’ ..they don't take classes like this .. all the good-looking girls are in the real estate class next door ..come to think of it .. there aren’t too many good-looking guys in here either ..a bunch of pale-skin, spiky-hair, skeleton-thin computer hackers with piercings and tattoos .. jacked up on red bull, Xbox and adrenaline .. jabbering in computer code with razor blades behind their ears ..switchblade knives .. waiting for me in the parking lot ..because they prey on the old and weary ..ok, then Wednesday I’m taking another class ..database servers ..now these guys are so far in the back office that light hurts their eyes ..I feel safer with them though ..they're just anti-social.

Neuro satisfaction

Ever since the MTV Video Awards, the tune “Don’t wanna be an American Idiot” keeps looping through my brain. Now it’s become a mantra for me to enroll at the local college ..and take some computer courses. So far, it’s been challenging. Since I don’t program for a living ..what may be small, routine steps for a classmate are like major undertakings for me. Things like event-handling and multi-threading. So, it’s gonna be slow. Satisfying maybe ..but definitely slow. Satisfaction is a feeling I only get when I do something challenging anyway. It doesn’t last long ..and I become quickly dissatisfied again. According to neuroscientists, satisfaction is the result of neurotransmitters (dopamine and cortisol) flooding my brain whenever I accomplish something new. It’s a temporary state that needs refreshing from time to time. Oh well, I hope that these classes are more satisfying than overwhelming. Otherwise, somewhere down the line I'll be submitting an entry called 'Neuro nightmare'.