Day three

Thursday August 2, 2012  Seems I have 20/20 vision at rest. A little less when slowly tracking prey (smooth pursuit) ..and a whole lot less when rapidly tracking prey (fast tracking). So much for my career as big game hunter. Fast tracking makes my eyes rattle around their sockets like marbles in a fishbowl. The eye chart blurs along with the rest of the room and I get motion sickness. Jill, the Vestibular Expert, looks at the saccadic movement of my eyeballs. She sees them ‘flutter’ then overshoot their mark at the periphery. “You have pronounced vestibular impairment on both sides and virtually no vestibular-ocular reflex. Means your vision will blur when your head bounces or turns.” She explains the three components of balance 

1. Vestibular (the carpenters level inside my head providing equilibrium or sense of orientation in space) 
2. Peripheral sensors in my joints (providing proprioception) 
3. Ocular (visual confirmation of my location in space)

“We can help you put some vestibular function under conscious control and give you a better feel for the ground (proprioception) ..just try and keep your eyes open and don’t make any sudden movements with your head ..start trusting your peripheral vision more.” OK ..so my balance is challenged and disappears when you turn off the lights. You might say I've been grounded.

Day two

Wednesday  August 1, 2012 On a midday walk through the halls ..while Noah times my stride ..I experience a familiar sensation .. vertigo. What were crisp walls, artwork and sun-filled courtyards ..become a blur. The room is spinning and I feel nauseous. I tell Noah I need to sit and cut it short. I explain what’s happening and suddenly nurses are taking my blood pressure, EKG and EEG. My blood pressure is elevated (200 / 92) but nothing explains the vertigo. “Oh yeah” I tell Noah “I also have a vestibular impairment.” I see a light go on and my therapy is swiftly changed to include my vestibular system.

 

In the meantime I’m given blood pressure medication and asked if I want to take anything else for it. Ativan, Zofran ..? I decline saying I just want to sit and experience this like I never did before. At home, I would find tasks to distract me. Writing, Photoshop or a book and bed rest. It had to be engaging but easy. As a result, I now have three blogs and an online art gallery. Eventually the vertigo and nausea would lift but I never knew what brought it on or how long it lasted. Noah suspects it may be due to a ‘vestibular challenge’. Dr Ross says watching a train, traffic or just tracking fast moving (shiny) objects could also bring it on. It’s why most people who have it avoid direct sunlight. Whatever the cause, while sitting in rehab ..I discover it runs it’s course in about 4 hours no matter what I do (I’m usually too engaged to notice). It’s been the biggest obstacle in my life since the BMT ..and the reason I take ativan most evenings. 

 

 Dr. Julia Bryson is by far the youngest, prettiest and most intelligent doctor I’ve ever met.  She accepts my condition as a challenge. I give my consent to be the subject of a case study, meaning my treatment and outcome will be published in a medical journal. I’m scheduled to see a vestibular expert as an outpatient ..presumably to collect follow-up data. I’m like “Wow” I’ve finally found a doctor who is willing to take an active interest in my situation and not just write it off as something I have to live with.

Day one

Tuesday July 31, 2012I adjust my base of support. Pull a cord through my navel that’s tied to my spine. Rise up and move out. Like walking meditation, I notice restlessness and catch myself leaning too far into the future. I return to the present moment .. a more balanced point in time ..and remind myself how it feels to move under my own power.

the bell

 

May the sound of this bell penetrate deep into the cosmos

Even in the darkest spots living beings are able to hear it clearly

So that all suffering in them ceases,

understanding comes to their heart

And they transcend the path of sorrow and death.

The universal dharma door is already open

The sound of the rising tide is heard clearly

The miracle happens

A beautiful child appears in the heart of the lotus flower

One single drop of this compassionate water is enough to bring back

the refreshing spring to our mountains and rivers.

Listening to the bell I feel the afflictions in me begin to dissolve

My mind calm, my body relaxed

A smile is born on my lips

Following the sound of the bell,

my breath brings me back to the safe island of mindfulness

 In the garden of my heart, the flowers of peace bloom beautifully.

Karla

Percepts