Summertime

Summertime ..to me that means boogie boarding at eucalyptus beach ..taking Pacific Coast Highway to Big Sur ..and, this year ..visiting my family in Germany – 5 sisters and a brother. Means that pretty soon we’ll be sitting in beer gardens ..walking past orchards loaded with apples and pears, too small and bitter to eat ..but just right for the schnapps we drink. We’ll drive through the hops and vineyards around lake Bodensee ..take a ferry to the city of Konstanz, which is a town so old it feels medieval. We’ll also hike up Mount Pfänder (pronounced ‘fender’) ..and take the ‘tele-freak’ (cable car) back down.

Summer look

After solstice it really feels like summer. I went to the store and picked out t-shirts in every ‘cool’ color – sea green, plum, yellow and burgundy. I realize 'coolness' is a property of mind ..not color. Anyway, I also got khaki shorts, jungle fatigues and a pair of swim trunks. When I went to pay with my visa card, they told me it was ‘declined’. What ..? I paid that bill. I got on the phone and found out that my account was blocked because my card number had been stolen, along with like thousands of others, from a ‘merchant center’. OK, well ..good work, I told them ..feeling glad they had caught it in time to save my credit worthiness. Now what? The store – Eddie Bauer – issued me one of their cards. Gave me a discount as well. I thought that was pretty decent of them.

Solstice

Ahhh, craziness ..the summer solstice parade ..a day-long festival ..and a procession of humanity coming from every direction. It's put on by local artists ..not civic organizations ..so there’s no marching bands ..nothing traditional. It's a celebration of life. How pagan. How fun. This year's theme was ‘wild things’ ..which could mean anything ..and usually does ..because anybody can participate in any way they want. For instance, my neighbor walks up the street playing a trumpet ..one of my friends was one of the belly dancers ...a former coworker and his wife used to dress up like scuba divers and pull their kids up the street in wagons with water guns ..until their children grew up and thought it was silly. I buy tons of confetti eggs and hand them out to kids ..tell them it's ok to throw at their parents. For me, the best part is the 'circle of drummers' at the park ..they play a continuous African-tribal beat ..on drums from every part of the world. I join the circle of people surrounding them ..and dance to the rhythm ..until I move past self-consciousness ..and activate a part of me that moves effortlessly. Kind of like at a rock festival.

Pop culture on the brain

There are places in my head that contain the essence of people and places that really matter ..like Halle Barry, Jennifer Aniston, and the San Francisco Palace of Fine Arts. Specific areas of my brain are dedicated to recognizing these culturally significant icons. Related images have a channel-direct connection to them so that little features ..like Halle Barry’s ankle ..will instantly activate my whole concept of her. Less important things, like Brad Pitt’s new movie, do not go near the Jennifer Aniston area. Instead, they get scattered over a much wider area ..and eventually lost. Out of the millions of pieces of information passing through my puny little brain, only those that elicit interest ..and have earned a reputation for being ‘cool’ ..get special ‘sites’ reserved for them ..as well as many pathways leading to them.

Bill: is there any life in jennifer without brad ..?
Nancy: who cares ..i am so tired of her
Bill: ok, now ..who was billy bob thorton married to before?
Nancy: angelina jolie !!
Nancy: she stole him from Laura Dern and there’s a quote from her where she says she would never date a married man ..shit, Dern and he were engaged to be married ..close enough !! so, from that quote, i take it that she and pitt are an item !
Bill: brilliant deduction sherlock
Nancy: lol
Bill: lets see, you got billy bob thorton ..laura dern ..angelina jolie ..jeff goldblum ..geena davis ..brad pitt ..jennifer aniston ..nicole kidman ..katie holmes ..tom cruise ..war of the worlds ..orson wells ..widespread panic
Bill: somehow, when i think of jennifer aniston ..i don't think of Brad Pitt ..i think of lisa kudrow ..lol
Bill: and when i think of lisa kudrow ..i think of sally struthers and the children’s crusade ..or margot kidder and the psychiatric ward
Nancy: lol
Bill: i think margot was writing her biography when she began to get paranoid ..her computer contracted a virus ..she panicked ..delusions set in –she fantasized that her first husband was out to kill her, so she left home –and wound up on the streets
Bill: so now, when i think of jennifer ..i picture this homeless person with an irrational fear of brad pitt
Nancy: lol
Nancy: Didn’t they find Margot Kidder laying in someone’s backyard?br/>Bill: maybe in someone else's cardboard box
Nancy: lol
Bill: i don't think they knew who she was until they booked her into psych-central
Nancy: really ..?
Bill: yep ..
Bill: hey, you know, it’s hard for me to imagine brad pitt going for an ex of billy bob thorton
Nancy: are you kidding ..? have you seen them together in mr and mrs smith ..very beautiful
Bill: ok, but a few years ago could you have imagined brad pitt settling for billy bob’s hand-me-downs?
Nancy: LOL !!
Bill: i can just see brad pitt in an interview saying ..oh, i hang out with billy bob so i can score with the chicks he tosses my way
Nancy: BBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
Bill: do you know why her and billy bob split up ..?
Nancy: she wanted kids ... ergo, maddox !!
Bill: maddox ..?
Nancy: that is the cambodian baby boy she adopted .. now 4 ..goes with her everywhere
Bill: i see .. so, you're saying billy bob dumped her?
Bill: who is he seeing now ..? ..halle barry?
Bill: or am i getting movies mixed up with real life
Nancy: you sure are ..she was in monsters ball with him
Bill: wasn’t angelina jolie the psycho blond in 'girl interrupted' ..?
Nancy: Yes. she won an oscar for that performance !!
Bill: so ..billy bob dumped oscar winning psycho blond mrs smith bradgeline ..?
Nancy: lol
Bill: is there any life in jennifer without brad ..?
Nancy: who cares ..i am so tired of her
Bill: ok, now ..who was billy bob thorton married to before?
Nancy: angelina jolie !!
Nancy: she stole him from Laura Dern and there’s a quote from her where she says she would never date a married man ..shit, Dern and he were engaged to be married ..close enough !! so, from that quote, i take it that she and pitt are an item !
Bill: brilliant deduction sherlock
Nancy: lol
Bill: lets see, you got billy bob thorton ..laura dern ..angelina jolie ..jeff goldblum ..geena davis ..brad pitt ..jennifer aniston ..nicole kidman ..katie holmes ..tom cruise ..war of the worlds ..orson wells ..widespread panic
Bill: somehow, when i think of jennifer aniston ..i don't think of Brad Pitt ..i think of lisa kudrow ..lol
Bill: and when i think of lisa kudrow ..i think of sally struthers and the children’s crusade ..or margot kidder and the psychiatric ward
Nancy: lol
Bill: i think margot was writing her biography when she began to get paranoid ..her computer contracted a virus ..she panicked ..delusions set in –she fantasized that her first husband was out to kill her, so she left home –and wound up on the streets
Bill: so now, when i think of jennifer ..i picture this homeless person with an irrational fear of brad pitt
Nancy: lol
Nancy: Didn’t they find Margot Kidder laying in someone’s backyard?
Bill: maybe in someone else's cardboard box
Nancy: lol
Bill: i don't think they knew who she was until they booked her into psych-central
Nancy: really ..?
Bill: yep ..
Bill: hey, you know, it’s hard for me to imagine brad pitt going for an ex of billy bob thorton
Nancy: are you kidding ..? have you seen them together in mr and mrs smith ..very beautiful
Bill: ok, but a few years ago could you have imagined brad pitt settling for billy bob’s hand-me-downs?
Nancy: LOL !!
Bill: i can just see brad pitt in an interview saying ..oh, i hang out with billy bob so i can score with the chicks he tosses my way
Nancy:BBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
Bill: do you know why her and billy bob split up ..?
Nancy: she wanted kids ... ergo, maddox !!
Bill: maddox ..?
Nancy: that is the cambodian baby boy she adopted .. now 4 ..goes with her everywhere
Bill: i see .. so, you're saying billy bob dumped her?
Bill: who is he seeing now ..? ..halle barry?
Bill: or am i getting movies mixed up with real life
Nancy: you sure are ..she was in monsters ball with him
Bill: wasn’t angelina jolie the psycho blond in 'girl interrupted' ..?
Nancy: Yes. she won an oscar for that performance !!
Bill: so ..billy bob dumped oscar winning psycho blond mrs smith bradgeline ..?
Nancy: lol

Prodigy

An 8 year old boy is brought to the school psychologist. He’s a child prodigy ..plays Bach Piano Concertos from memory. His life revolves around music ..he’s incredibly focused. He practices 6 hours a day on his own ..out of sheer pleasure ..and he would play longer if his mother let him. His teachers ask all the usual questions:

'Is there any danger that he might miss out on regular childhood activities and become anti-social ..?'
'Is third grade going to interfere with his development ..?'
'Is there anything we can learn from him that might help children with attention problems ..?'

Little Jimmy sits on his hands and rocks back and forth ..he doesn’t want to be bothered by all these adult questions. "What would you rather be doing right now Jimmy?" asks the psychologist .

"Playing piano." He responds quickly.
"Ok, what’s the next best thing?"
"S O C C E R ..!" he lights up enthusiastically.
"Who is your favorite soccer player ?"
"Freddy Adu ..he’s awesome !"
"Oh yeah ..how come ?"
"Cuz his favorite movie is Fellowship of the Rings"
"Uh huh ..and what's your favorite movie?"
"Oh, the Rings, I’ve seen it millions of times ..I keep waiting for Sauron to come back *dun dun dun dun dun dun* .."

Proprioceptive Write

I resist exploring the feelings I’m left with after my father leaves. It's sensitive and hurts to touch ..which makes me feel a little bit ashamed because I think I should have gotten over them by now. Things like: I don’t think I’m good enough ..interesting enough ..or smart enough to sustain his interest ..leave me with feelings of inadequacy. I don’t think he enjoys visiting me and seems uncomfortable. I fall somewhere outside his field of interest ..not in-tune with his view of the world ..which I attribute to his depression-era, New York upbringing ..where his perceptions of the world were formed ..and serve as a point of reference ..making the things I say or do seem too West Coast and inconceivably weird ..things like journal writing and zen practice.

Gene pool

The qualities I was born with do not necessarily come from my parents ..it turns out that they could not have been ‘genetically engineered’ with much success either..not that anybody would want to try. No, life in the womb is way too volatile for that. Scientists - reporting in the journal of Nature - say they have found genes that can introduce random variation during embryonic development of the nervous system ..causing deviations from the genetic blueprint that guides the growth of the brain. Genes called ‘retro-transposons’ jump around in neural stem cells ..the cells that give rise to tissues in the brain and nervous system. Retro-transposons act to produce changes in the electro-chemical properties of nerve cells ..changing how they respond to signals ..and the way they link up to form networks. This explains why individual brains differ so much, even between identical twins ..allowing traits to vary from one generation to the next ..without waiting a millennium for some ‘cosmic mutation’ to occur. It also explains why ‘selective breeding’ for psychological traits - such as IQ or music ability - is not always a sure thing. I don't think we have to worry about creating a master race. Life defies our attempts to control these events.

The Wedge

A 2-foot wave bounces off the jetty and moves west ..not toward the shore, but alongside it. Seconds later, this wave collides at 90 degrees with another wave coming straight into shore ..now I’m inside a 6-foot barrel that’s like a rolling green room ..I shoot out in an explosion of water and foam. What a rush.. only someone who’s been there knows the feeling.

American Gothic

Bless you Mary Jesus

Oakland California may be a refugee camp for San Franciscans displaced by the Dot Com meltdow ..for Mary Jesus, it was already home. It was also sanctuary from the demons inside her head, the one’s she thought would go away when she turned 30 ..but they stayed on to torment her more. She was diagnosed with depression and borderline personality disorder ..but was fine as long as she had a place to live. When that was threatened, she lost her grip. Her apartment was in a stately old building . She refurbished the hard wood floors, hung black lace curtains, and painted her bedroom black and red, tastefully –in Japanese motif –decorated it with her own paintings ..dark, sinister expressions of death and Christian-challenging symbols. She loved the place. Even managed the building for a while ..and very effectively according to some of the tenants. She originally grew up in the goth-rock underground of Sacramento ..and continues to reject mainstream society. She wears black outfits ..black gloves, black sunglasses, black lipstick and parasol. Her friendships often ended abruptly however. Mental instability does that. Now she was being displaced by the rising tide of people displaced from San Francisco. She fighting, but the eviction proceedings are not going well. At the eviction hearing, she put on a dapper black velvet pantsuit and, without an attorney, presented her defense. She lost. Over the next two months there were a series of emergency motions for reconsideration. Twice, Mary Jesus won 30-day stays of the eviction. To pay her rent, she borrowed $900 from publisher Victor Vale, who had often encouraged her to write about her struggles.The conflict turned into despair. Mary's primal fear was homelessness. Twice, she was hospitalized at the county's psychiatric facility after exhibiting signs of extreme anxiety in court. Mary had another hearing to present new facts. But, on the morning of the scheduled eviction — she learned that she had lost her final appeal. Once again, Mary Jesus was transported to the county psychiatric hospital in restraints. She was released later that day. Returning to her apartment, she put her belongings in plastic bags and hung them as gifts on the doorknobs of neighbors ..she wrote a note, complete with court case names and numbers, and made 200 photocopies. She took the elevator to the balcony of the Tribune tower, climbed over the railing and tossed the notes to a crowd of people below. Then, to everyone’s horror, she took a deep breath ..held her nose with one hand ..raised the other in the air ..and, like a someone jumping into a pool, she plunged to her death

Things to do around Newport Beach

Have breakfast on the beach ..preferably coffee, bagels and Greek olives. Listen to Red Sparrows (the soundless dawn came ..). Plunge into cool clear morning ocean. Watch tiny little fishes swim around you. Pour on sunblock. Walk past the jetties. Watch adrenaline surf junkies at the Wedge. Eat lunch at Original Pizza. Take the ferry. See your kid sister ....and her kids. Watch the waves break like little white lines pouring out of the pitch black night sky. Feel them pound the sand underneath your butt. Feel glad.

Chatting with Anna

Anna Palmer

Anna: any time i need to see your face ..i just close my eyes and i am taken to a place ..where your crystal mind and magenta feelings ..take up shelter in the base of my spine ..sweet like a chic-a-cherry cola.
Bill: lets see, that sounds like, uhhh ..savage garden !
Anna: lol of course.
Anna: how have you been doing?
Bill: simply wonderful ..
Anna: thats great!
Anna: mmm mentos. these are addicting ya know!
Bill: yes, but so refreshing
Anna: lol
Bill: what flavor is your mouth ..?
Anna: mmmint
Bill: that’ll clear your head ..lol
Anna: yes ..it does
Bill: mr sun is out ..shining all over me
Anna: freaky enough, he's shining over here too ..go figure.
Bill: what a sneaky dude that guy is
Anna: very
Bill: never know when he's gonna show ..
Anna: my shoulder hurts... i think i slept on it funny-ly.
Bill: which is better than sleeping on it serious-ly,
Anna: are you mocking me?! lol
Bill: i don’t know ..does it hurt funny ..?
Anna: lol yes. it hurts funny.
Anna: lalalala i feel like dancing
Bill: *takes anna by the hand and dances*
Anna: *is dancing*
Bill: *blares the music and swoops*
Anna: i've got 462 pageviews!!!
Bill: ok, but i viewed about, oh uh ..450 times ..lol
Anna: lol
Bill: ..and i'll keep on viewing
Anna: yay!
Bill: until my vision goes blurry
Anna: lol

Holographic interface

Hasn’t the technology of ‘virtual reality’ come far enough so that I don’t have to hear the same: “yo ho yo ho ..a pirates life for me” every time I go to Disneyland ? In the 1970’s, they were able to project holograms on vapor and show ghosts zooming around the haunted mansion. When is the next generation going to arrive where holograms can respond to my actions, like interactive ether. I want rides that simulate intergalactic battles against virtual storm troopers or the forces of the evil Emperor Zurg –where I determine the outcome of events without following the same old script. If they can put simulator technology in the software that powers the Internet ..why not push it beyond the conventional Graphical User Interface (GUI) and into three-dimensional space ..where, instead of ‘point and click’ ..I can ‘aim and shoot’.

Walking meditation

I'm paying attention to the meditation of the trail ..watching the earth roll by underneath my foot steps..it’s not a smooth ride ..things jump, rock and roll as they go by ..following the rhythm of my stride - I think, perhaps, the shock absorbers of my senses may be shot.

Other world

I create a mental instance of my mother, saying “Don’t you think it would be a nice idea to help your neighbor ..?” I create an mental instance of myself saying, “No, I'm gonna' write.” Another 'instance' of myself pleads. "No more boring old nature crap, please" I suddenly see images of people in my workshop looking at me and asking themselves .. “is he gonna write more boring old nature crap today ?” My mind drifts ..my heart warms to memories of Santa Cruz ..following the woodsy trails through Lorenzo park ..walking past the street musicians on Pacific avenue ..eating hot soup at New Leaf ..always looking for Pergolesi’s Cafe. Sometimes I feel more at home in these ‘instances’ than I do sitting on my own patio. I live in a world displaced by thoughts and images ..disconnected from things as they are ..I wrap it in an layer of concepts and ideas ..always looking for the right words to replace what’s in front of me ..carrying them around ..hoping others will understand and validate me. Seems like such a waste of time. Thoughts shoot by ..faint recollections of things I’ve read ..warnings of things to come ..not one worth stopping to explore. I woke up this morning to the same chaos that began with the big bang. I’m sitting on a coastal plain ..slouching towards the sea ..listening to the echoes of dinosaurs in the songs of birds singing in the trees –writing more boring crap in obscure metaphors and tortured syntax .