Para Social Therapy

Whether I’m watching Jessica Jones or reading a Cass Neary novel I feel like I’ve taken something to temporarily ease my social anxiety. I can identify with the characters without interference from my own history of social failings. They’re not going to pass judgment on me so I end up liking them about as much as I would someone I just met. Perhaps because it’s a clean slate. I become interested in following their progress ...I feel sad when they’re hurt ...happy for their accomplishments…even shed a tear when they’re gone. Jennifer says I’ve entered a 'para-social relationship' with them. Kinda' sounds like the twilight zone. She compares it to a simulator. Even though you know they’re not real …they trigger the same feelings as someone who is. She says it’s another way the mind learns to navigate the social world without harm or fear of failure. Makes me think of the placebo effect. I know that placebos work by activating a healing narrative in the mind even when the patient knows they’re not real. And they're relatively harmless. So, perhaps there’s medicinal value in literary fiction, film and popular television shows. A way to mentally travel to distant places …populated by different people …and arrive home safely.

Genevieve

"One of my favorite things is experiencing the origins of my friends through their eyes. Another is sharing my own with my dearest and deepest too. This sharing is a favorite memory. Paul Ricoeur writes that, “Memory is no longer the narrative of external adventures stretching along episodic time. It is itself the spiral movement that, through anecdotes and episodes, brings us back to the almost motionless constellation of potentialities that the narrative retrieves. The end of the story is what equates the present with the past, the actual with the potential.”  - Genevieve

Jessica Jones

You see, the trouble starts here

Cap'm America

Monica Rambeau was a police lieutenant from New Orleans where her cool demeanor and swift reflexes earned her the role of ‘chief hostage negotiator’. One day a negotiation turned into a bloody firefight at a munitions warehouse. The incident changed her trajectory. She's no longer seen in New Orleans. Some sightings place her in the mixed martial arts ring where they call her El Tiger. She can transform into a feral beast and attack her opponents with the stealth and power of a puma. Others say she has become one of the deadliest forces on the planet …a solitary predator with supernatural powers. There have been sightings across a wide range of the Americas covering more ground than any other mammal we know. Legend has it she can stalk her prey from miles away …then strike suddenly, without a sound …ripping their heart out and gnawing on it while it’s still beating …sending them into a world of torment that lasts an eternity in one of the outlier regions of the nether worlds where she has dual-parallel residency. It’s a unique status that allows her to coexist in several dimensions at once. Go figure. Sounds like the firefight in New Orleans spawned multiple versions of the original Monica …each traveling a different trajectory across the universe ..or multiverse as some like to call it.

Blondie

Blondie is one of the biggest ‘what ever became of her’ mysteries of my life. I was a first-year teaching assistant in grad school …experiencing insecurities I hadn’t felt in a long time. She came into the computer lab looking for tutoring help with statistics. She was my first. I was apprehensive about the material but it all came rushing back …only I was trying to explain it at the speed of thought. She looked at me …smiled and told me to take a deep breath …I’m going way to fast. I took this as helpful advice and took that breath, which made us both laugh. I dialed it back and broke it down into steps that she could follow. Days later I got a visit from a professor who thanked me …told me that Blondie had aced a big test …and that she’d credited me for it. Turned out to be one of the first steps in helping me get over my insecurities. Next time I saw her …she and her friend were racing excitedly through the stacks of research articles in the library. She was clearly someone who was into what she was doing …or perhaps, who she was doing it with. I smiled but didn’t want to get in the way of progress. I saw her again the following term ...only this time it was at a conference we were hosting on campus.  She was attending  a small panel discussion lead by a well-known expert from Columbia. She was dressed in a beautiful pearly white top, navy blue skirt and Evan Picone pumps. Stunning (I’d only ever seen her dressed in blue jeans and a tee). She was sitting by herself. My first impression was ...she’s seriously considering graduate school. Afterwards, I left to attend a small dinner party that we were holding for the panel leader. It wasn’t until later it occurred to me that, when I was where she is now, how helpful it would have been for someone to have noticed me at an event like this and invited me to a dinner with a big shot. If nothing else it would have given her a boost ...kind of like the one she’d given me a year earlier.

Danaë

It doesn't take much to turn someone into a zombie ...the right predisposition will do. A powerful enough disposition and you don’t even have to enter the bloodstream … contact with airborne pheromones is all it takes. At least that was the case with Danaë. Except for changes in hair and skin color… not even her parents could tell the difference. She was the same sociopath as before. Danaë says it doesn’t make much difference to her either ...as long as she has a reliable supply of gray matter. “It’s not nourishment I crave. I don’t need three meals a day the way you do. What I need is a healthy dose of somebodies life force. Helps me stay closer to the living end of the undead scale.” Fortunately she works as an assistant mortician. A fresh supply of brains arrive daily. She won’t deteriorate … won’t have to resort to pack behavior or join the hunt for brains on the street. “Some of the people working in the coroners office are zombies.” she says. “We’re even doctors and lawyers. It has it’s drawbacks of course. For one, you have to learn to deal with the personality swings that occur from brain to brain. Kinda’ like having an Identity Disorder. I guess it’s no wonder my friends and family haven't notice.”

After graduation

Los Angeles, CA: You know like when my dad comes to visit … how he always drives a rental car? I've been thinking ...that might be the ticket outta’ here. While he's busy helping my brother with his pitching or something, I'll offer to pick up tacos for dinner. I’ll get the keys …throw my bags in the trunk and head up 101 to Eureka. Stewart says he can get me a job working the Klamath. When I get there I’ll drop the car off near an airport then call the agency and tell them where they can pick it up. My dad can always rent another one. Minor inconvenience. I mean … it’s a small price to pay for his daughter’s happiness, right? You in …?

Big mistake

Troian Bellasario committed the unthinkable when she crossed into Orphan Black and stole Helena’s boyfriend: Jesse the tow truck driver. Whatever crimes she committed in Pennsylvania or Jamaica pale in comparison to this act of betrayal. There is no refuge on the mainline. Helena is a force of nature that knows no boundaries. So it came as no surprise when Troian’s body was found gutted and hanging from the bell tower in Rosewood PA. How did she not see that coming? Another tragic example of how failing to heed the warnings of Orphan Black may be hazardous to your health. May she rest in peace.

Chelsea

Chelsea is a high-end escort who can provide a ‘girlfriend experience' with such warmth and conviction that you almost forget the cold calculating environment you're in … where intimacy is just another transaction. It’s eerie. Outside of work she reverts to being unsociable ...relating to people in an almost robotic manner.  She prefers to be alone. She is into sex big-time … just not on the job. Remote, online interactions are what she craves. Every night after work she peruses video chat sites anonymously where she gets off watching strangers get off watching her get off. Sort of like an escalating feedback loop. She recently invested a small fortune in high-speed online video equipment with mounted camcorders and two enormous screens suspended over her bed.

Background: Growing up beautiful meant she got a lot of attention … not all of it welcome. She couldn’t tell whether people were into her for her personality or her looks. Physical attraction was often short-lived and painful. Now she avoids commitment and shuns attention. Her sexuality has become more like a means of exchange that she  uses to get what she wants.

Triple Dog Dare

Didn't think she'd actually do it. Did you …? OK, do you see anything...? How long before we should do something ...? And what ...? A dare isn’t a thing ...is it? I mean, it's not like we dragged her ass out here and threw her over. Maybe if we drop a bunch of bright float-y things we can watch  where they go ...see where they wash up.  I say we call 911. I say we get the fuck outta’ here before I pee in my pants.  I think I just did.

Miranda

Ferdinand and Miranda meet in one of the many canyons.  He's shipwrecked and wandering aimlessly. “Welcome to the island of Tabula Rasa!" Miranda anounces. "If it's civilization you're looking for, well ... I'm afraid you won't find it.  Just  Prospera and myself.  But she is very wise.  A sorcerer you know. She says: ‘human beings are very adaptable’. It's kinda' her mantra. You’ll see. Follow me. We can go to the lagoon. The water is very healing.  The mist is rising. Do you like Mangoes? We gather them ourselves. Come with me ...you’ll see." A mynah bird lands on Miranda’s shoulder ..repeating the words: “Pay attention ... Pay attention.” Prospera taught all the birds to say that … a reminder to be present.

Aftermath

 

it clings inside / won't wash away / beyond the reach / 

of the light of day / semen-filled eyes / milky vision /

there's no pills for what I'm feeling.

Bungalow girl

I met David at the club after spending half the night with guys who did nothing but talk about themselves or try to impress me with all the money they make. I was feeling nearly spent and hostile and it must've showed. But we got into a soothing conversation sharing horror stories about what it's like looking for anyone authentic in places like this. After 45 minutes I was feeling kinda’ into him. But it sounded like he had an attitude about L.A. women and wasn't into me. So when he offered me his number I got kinda' spooked.  I've never cold-called somebody I met at a bar before. Thinking out loud I must've blurted out something like: “I’m not sure I'll call you …but, I can give you my number.” He got up, said that’s OK and walked away pissed. I sat there with my head resting on the bar imagining how presumptuous that must’ve sounded: “Hey, here’s my number cuz I'm sure you wanna' call me a lot more than I wanna' call you."  OK,  I'm an idiot. I started slamming down a bunch more mojitos ...the bartender eventually called a cab.and when it arrived a bouncer kindly escorted me curbside. I ran into David the other night at another local bar and he said: “Hey, last time I saw you, you were passed-out and security had to haul your ass away." He went on to tell me that it served me right for being such a bitch and sucking all the life out of him. No, wait …what he actually said was: “it serves you right for being such a bitch and bringing other people down like you do.” He asked if it makes me feel better about myself and told me how I must get off absorbing other people's confidence or something. I’m still trying to Google what video game that comes from.    

Ask me anything

Ask me anything (19 December 2014) A most intriguing story. Not exactly the romantic comedy I thought. Although the narration is pretty funny. It follows Katie’s online journal over the course of a year that she takes off between high school and college. It reveals a year of living dangerously: alcohol-fueled promiscuity and high stakes pursuit of older men. It also reveals a sordid childhood trauma that may be fueling it. When Katie behavior gets dangerously close to home-wrecking territory – she mysteriously disappears. Her mother turns to the blog asking for information. She hires an investigator, but that leads nowhere. At first I suspected foul play. But looking back – events don't necessarily add up to foul play. I found reason to believe Katie’s story may not end so tragically. In a scene where she consults with Glenn (the wise old bookstore owner) she's discovers that, at 18 ...she’s still afraid of making decisions on her own – independent of what others might think. Perhaps Katie decided to sign off the blog in dramatic fashion … breaking her dependence on what her followers thought of her. It's like a story within a story where you have to step out of one to get  perspective on the other. I don't know ...it's open to interpretation and Katie's fate is in your hands.

Astrid

"It’s like, from the moment I could understand, I was taught to be afraid. ‘Don’t go out this door …you don't know what's out there’. Like I’ll meet a psychopath or disappear into an abyss or something. Now my partner of five years is giving me the boot and it feels like that door is the only one I can leave by.”

Viena

There are no delusions ...nothing separating Viena from the world-at-large. She presents a near-perfect adaptation to the psycho-social niche she occupies … ‘roadie for a punk rock band’. It’s populated by depraved junkies, fugitive outlaws, pure agave juice and several species of predatory reptiles.

Juno

"I got to the crosswalk and pounded the button until the light changed. My cell phone was buzzing but when I reached for it ...it wasn't there. I patted myself down but couldn’t feel it anywhere. I looked around and saw it laying on the ground. I picked it up, puzzled  ...shrugged ...answered and the song Modern Love by Bowie comes pouring out. I put on earbuds and  smile. I bow in gratitude to the deities of sound."

Zoé

"Anxiety is deceptive. First it focuses attention, and then it clamps the brain into rigidity by obsessively replaying the most terrifying possibilities."    (link)

 Zoé suffers panic attacks. Faced with ordinary situations she freezes-up until she's released to run to the bathroom and hurl. She never knows the right thing to say. Her mother wishes she could be more like her older sister Colleen …a stellar presence in the family. Zoé describes it as: “Torture ...I’ve been miscast as an understudy to ‘Saint Colleen’. I can’t live up to that. I’m the sicko who pukes in the bathroom.” It sounds kind'a like performance anxiety to me. She says: "Whatever ...it sucks all the air outta' me and I can't breathe." She spends most of her waking hours working on an exit strategy. She dreams of  hitting the road in a Ferrari with the top down and disappearing in a rush of air.

Cyndl

Cyndl is a film-fanatic. She has more cinema-graphic experience than anyone I know. “I’ve seen some really obscure shit” she likes to say. So when Catherine and Stewart came to visit and started asking for suggestions, she didn’t expect them to like all, or even some of the films she suggested. But she didn't expect  them to find every single one objectionable. According to Cyndl  they were like:

"Birdman …a waste of 90 minutes. Orphan Black …sheer fantasy. Films by Millennials … teeny-bopper bullshit. And there was no way Stew was going to watch a ‘chick-flick’ (when I mentioned something by Sofia Coppola).  So I gave up. This morning it occurred to me …it wasn’t about the films. What I saw was something going on between them, I mean, it’s clear Stew was prepared to find fault with anything I said. Makes me think he was going through me - to prove to her - that there really wasn't anything worth watching out there. So they might as well be watching football, which is really what he'd rather be doing in the first place, which is an issue with Catherine - she hates football. It's why they were looking for something else they could watch. A compromise. Only it wasn't his intention to actually find anything. He made damn sure of that. It was subterfuge.”

Transported

Juno was hyper-musical from birth. Songs activate a larger portion of her brain than most. While attending a ‘Widespread Panic’ concert, she was rushed to Johns Hopkins suffering what they call an ‘aural seizure’. She was highly animated and having perfectly lucid conversations with people who weren’t there. Her brain waves were moving to the beat of a rhythm previously unseen. It was an experience she describes as: “Rapture. Like a hole had been punched through the night and a phosphorescent glow was pouring through. Everyone was immersed …connected …transported.”

Cap'm Lux

“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.” - Anais Nin

Susan

It was 2007 and I was able to re-connect with college friends and former lovers on social media. People I thought I'd never see again. Suddenly I felt transported as though no time had passed. They hadn’t really disappeared ...they were still part of me. That’s when I realized I hadn’t grown as much as I thought. After 15 years the same feelings of reckless abandon and lust took hold. After 2 hours of mainlining Sara's blog-site ...my pupils were larger than dimes and my mind was a blast crater. I had to go back to California.

The English teacher

16 year-old Johnny enjoyed a 2-year relationship with his High School English teacher, Laura. She was pretty and young-looking and he was in love. He fathered her child and wanted to marry her when she got out of jail. Now they share an apartment and custody of a two-year old boy …and they’ve found means of support. Quite a feat for a fry-cook and an unemployed teacher. He successfully sued the school district for allowing this to happen. As twisted as this may sound, it does illustrate an example of healthy psychological development: 1) He successfully resolved the age-old conflict between sexual readiness and social/cultural prohibitions. 2) He overcame financial hardship posed by limited employment opportunities.

Bailey

Bailey was born in Independence, Ohio. When she was six years old, her mother died in a car accident; Bailey entered the foster care system, staying in a succession of homes for the next five years until she was placed with a stable foster family that intended to adopt her. Bailey lived with them from age 12 to 16; but became a ward of the state again when her foster mother discovered she had been sexually active with both her foster father and sister since day one almost. Bailey identifies as fluid. She entered the sex trade drawn to the illusion of ‘family’ it projects. Although she’s well-paid, I’m not sure it’s the ‘stepping stone’ to bigger things that she thinks.

Kathy

 Spring break in Newport Beach CA

I walked along the strand until I felt the sun starting to fry my brain and passed out somewhere on the sand. I woke up in bed, alone and confused, because I don’t have a bed or even a room. Someone is knocking on a door. I feel the numb aftermath of marijuana and ’ludes. My mouth is dry, and my throat feels like a dusty staircase. My body is sticky and when I run my fingers through my pubes, they feel damp and clumpy. The air is stifling and reeks of warm beer, tequila and weed. There’s a bong and empty sleeping bags on the floor …the bong is empty too. Someone is knocking on a door and I expect to hear them yelling soon. The police in Newport aren’t too friendly, so I look for another door. I open the only one I find and there’s a guy standing there looking just as confused as me ...and I realize I forgot to put on clothes. He says he’s looking for Jacqueline, and asks me if this is 14-something Bay street. I tell him he’s got the wrong place and point him in a random direction. I close the door, listen to his footsteps go down the wooden stairs, then grab my jeans, a better-looking shirt, and head back toward the strand.

Susan Choi

"We are ghosts of ourselves …and of other people … and all the ghosts appear perfectly real."

We are ephemeral images in my head ...reproductions that on the surface appear to be inseparable from what passes before my eyes. We are the ghosts standing over my shoulder as I write each line.

Francesca Zappia

I subscribe to the theory that roughly two-thirds of what I experience is made-up – based on mixed memories triggered by what's in front of me. Since everyone arrives at this moment from a different past, we can each have a different take on what's happening now. Collaboration helps narrow things down a bit – but I suck at that, which places me somewhere on the fringe. I’ve learned to compensate by going along (biting my tongue, smiling and nodding at the appropriate times). I haven’t been committed yet. There’s a fine line between experience and delusion. Delusions take place when the gap between the present tense and the past events it triggers gets so wide that I have to start making shit up in order to bridge the two. And into that gap go the most frightening things. That’s when I start to mistake a rope for a snake or a smile for the mythical Wildebeest. Sometimes I see alligators in the bathroom. Those are the times I smile the most. Takes the edge off. But then my actions start to veer dangerously from what I think …and the errors compound daily.

Juno Temple

Megan

Megan is credited with being the first person to make contact with extraterrestrials. She replied to a query on Tinder one night by saying: “Well, I’ve been told I look pretty ...for an alien.” Over the next hour and a half she received more than 260,000 requests from the constellation Centaurus alone.

Jay Taylor

Jay suffers from delusions and experiences frequent bursts of ecstatic energy. She also has hyper-erotic disorder that she deals with by working in the porn industry. There she is able to channel her ecstatic impulses into performances of the highest caliber. When not working she packs high-dose marijuana suppositories in her vagina. They help level the load between gigs ...provided she doesn’t wind up in a psychiatric ward again. She admits she’s not your typical ‘porn chick’ and I believe it. Though she cannot always tell the difference between what's real and what’s not ...a reliable supply of pummeling sex helps her stay grounded. Judge for yourself (video interview).

Beth Risk

If anyone knew the truth about Beth Risk’s home life they’d send her mother to jail and seventeen-year-old Beth God knows where. She protects her mother at all cost because with her, she has the freedom to do whatever the fuck she pleases. (Mei Melancon as Beth Risk)

Exterminators

Manjushri
Bodhisattva who cuts the shackles of illusion

Somehow we feel the political party most dedicated to dealing with foreign invaders (the Republican party) … would also be the best party to handle the spread of infectious disease (Ebola). It’s a myth along the lines of the ‘association fallacy’ in logic (the one that goes: 'John’s a good physicist …so he must also be a good auto mechanic'). I saw this at work during the 2014 election when I noticed how quickly the Ebola outbreak disappeared after the Republican Congress came into power. Also after the election, I heard an overzealous Republican from Montecito proudly proclaim: ‘Now we outta’ drop an Ebola bomb on ISIS …straighten them out too.’

Santa Cruz

The floors where Terry lives slope either one way or the other ...and the doors don’t sit right … cold air rushes in at night. “It used to be a surfboard shed” she says “but I don’t complain, the rent is cheap and I can hear  sea-lions barking.” We’re eating cereal and drinking licorice tea on the wooden porch in front of the house that's in front of the shed where she lives. I see surfers covered with tattoos staring at us from across the street. Terry tells me to ignore them ...they’re usually tweaked. Say’s her neighbor Julie’s probably been bad-mouthing her again. I ask about her mother. “She's relentless …keeps tellin’ me I dress in skid-row fashion …going out to dinner is slow torture …she keeps bitching ‘bout the way I eat …says I got absorption problems ...probably not getting enough lithium in my diet or something.” I laugh and say “You mean calcium?” She goes “Yeah, that could be it ...kinda’ hard to tell when I stop listening.” I tell her lithium is a mood-stabilizer. She goes: “It’s probably lithium then ...” and we laugh. Later we go see Juanita who makes killer quesadillas and appreciates it when Terry tutors her kids.

Another fucking cycle

“The strangest thing about this is that a thought can go on and on circling your mind, that you can’t stop obsessing over it, that there are no brakes to apply to things you no longer want to think about. In normal life, you distract yourself — pick up a newspaper, go out for a walk, turn on the television, phone somebody up. You can throw your mind into a sop, trick yourself into thinking you’re all right, that the thing that’s been haunting you is resolved. It won’t work for long, of course — an hour, two hours if you’re lucky — because nobody’s that stupid and because these things always come back to you when you’re once more idle and distractionless. In the small, dark hours of the night, when you’re being rocked into blank-mindedness on a bus. The problem with being like this is that you are constant prey to these exhausting cycles of thought.” -  Maggie O'Farrell

Hannah

Psychopathy: patient exhibits complete disregard for what other members of the asylum think and feel ..including what she thinks and feels herself .

Jennifer Lynn Barnes

For a young adult/science fiction novel I found it a pretty satisfying read. Kali confronts challenges posed by her family, school and forces of the supernatural. It contains elements of Hinduism (Shiva), Greek Mythology (Ouroboros) and Shakespeare (tragedy). So I guess you can see what gets me off. It manages to do so with a shitload of humor and intrigue.

Jennifer Lynn Barnes

I'm surprised. I’m not usually interested in reading books about werewolves. This one fascinates me. Here, the wolves have the power to extend their perception by seeing and hearing out of the eyes and ears of the other members of the pack … as well as the ability to communicate telepathically ...an ability that Ethologists say helps coordinate the pack while running and hunting.Their behavior is guided by the ‘felt-presence’ of other pack members in the mind:  dominant members occupy the foreground while fellow members reside on the periphery. ‘Resilience’ (the ability to recover quickly) … can also mean the ability to rebel and overcome these internalized ‘social hierarchies’. The main character Bronwyn can  telepathically ‘rewire’ and form independent, non-hierarchical bonds in others. It enables her to recruit new loyalties at will … and form a breakaway state from the rest of the pack. A human quality not shared by members of the wolf pack. A supernatural psycho-social thriller … a rebellion against tyrannical power structures … a most excellent read!

Divide and be conquered

“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear defeat. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you are assured defeat in every battle.” - Sun Tzu 

 The war in Iraq started with a misconception showing how little we knew the enemy. The outcome was unpredictable. ISIS is the result. Our response to ISIS has been divisive. We’ve attacked ourselves, accused the Commander in Chief of complicity and perpetuated myths instead of promoting unity and understanding. Trump is the result.

Exiles, with Troian Bellisario.

Troian Bellisario

Drunk Sex in the U.S.

We do not live in a culture of healthy sex. Prohibition, shame and anxiety prevail limiting our chances for healthy sexual development. Sex is considered dirty so we keep it hidden from view. Parents are uncomfortable talking about it so communication is blocked. As a result we live in a culture of ‘drunken sex’ where we have to anesthetize ourselves to anxiety and inhibition before we’re free to express sexual desire. 

Without dialogue we’re left on our own to test the boundaries of sexual behavior. So we learn by trial and error. However, when drunk, we’re numb to the feedback necessary to tell us whether our actions are welcome or not. Without feedback, development is impaired, which may explain the prevalence of assault when we reach college. 

Growing up in the middle-ages (before the Internet) I learned more about healthy sex from Penthouse Forum than anywhere else. This was a section of letters from readers describing their sexual experiences followed by comments from one the magazines outside ‘experts’. It sounded like an honest and straightforward exchange. I remember some of the contributors were women … most were men … but they all stressed the same thing: your partner’s pleasure is just as important as your own and that the goal is to develop intimacy. I remember spending afternoons reading these when I was a teenager who could only imagine what sex might be like. I was fascinated. It taught me to be receptive to my partner and responsive in bed. It told me that foreplay is sex … not just something leading up to it. It pointed me to books on Tantric Yoga. I made a to-do list of things that made up satisfying foreplay … prolonged periods of touching and caressing … attention to what’s above the belt … and how it shouldn’t be rushed or scripted. It taught me that sex was more than just ‘getting off’. Now I’m by no means a model of stellar performance in the sack … but I think it helped that someone was talking about it … and how ironic that it was Penthouse magazine.

Britt Robertson

Definitely not a mousy girl. A skate-park devotee.  (click)

I started skateboarding when: I was 14. I was a super-tomboy. I would hang out with all the guys, and they would teach me tricks. I fell in love with it because: I got to be part of something, but it was still my own thing. I could do it when I was hanging out with my friends, or go home and mess around by myself. Goofy (right-foot forward) or regular (left-foot forward)? Both! I ride regular but do my tricks goofy. Most badass trick: I can kickflip a three stair, which is when you leap off three steps, flip the board, and then land. Other tricks: Ollie, nose slide, 180, 360, jump—in all combinations. I love making up tricks. After I got into the sport: I would notice chicks on skateboards, and I would be like, "Ah, they're so cool." Then I realized: I'm like them! Skateboard count: Five. Favorite board: The first one I completely designed myself—I bought the deck, the trucks, and the bearings. I wrote quotes and stuff on it, like the skateboarder in Clueless. I like to look at my old board and see what I was thinking then. When I ride: I can get my head right. You know how some people meditate? This is my version.