Courage to be you (Esalen workshop)

best short clip on the subject ..definitely worth seeing ..!!!

 

Esalen (day five)

“There was a wicked messenger
From Eli he did come
With a mind that multiplied
The smallest matter.” Bob Dylan. 

Mary shows us how we live on a ‘spectrum of activation’ ..and that people spend most of their waking hours in the cautious zone (the yellow zone), which comes as a surprise to all of us. She refers to this as ‘being vigilant’, which she says is a good thing. It tells us when to stop (and enter the red zone) or when to go (and enter the green zone). Too much time in the red zone means being pre-disposed to doing nothing ..and too much time in the green zone means allowing events to zoom by without regard for where they’re heading. Sophia struggles with this, asking how ‘vigilance’ can be good thing “..isn’t there a fine line between vigilance and hyper-vigilance?” Feeling smart, because I think I finally caught-on to what Mary is saying, I jump in with something I think may be helpful. I suggest to Sophia that maybe it’s not a fine-line that separates vigilance from hyper-vigilance but a range or spectrum instead. Perhaps hyper-vigilance means living too much in the red zone where it suppresses needful activity. Now I hear my voice trailing-off into uncertainly .. hoping either Sophia or Mary will say something to help rehabilitate me ..and thinking ‘mindfulness’ may have been a better word, and so on. However, Sophia quickly nods her head in agreement, saying “..of course” and Mary lets it pass ..and I’m left here sitting, thinking “who do I think I am, chief semanticist ..splitting hairs over a choice of words” and feeling somewhat less than helpful. Even now, the fact that this is what I remember to write about tells me how cautious I can be even after the fact ..looking back and ruminating over an instance that went largely unnoticed and has been pretty much forgotten by everyone (including Sophia) ..seems pretty fucking useless. Oh well oh well.

That’s why I’m reminded of the lyric by Dylan quoted above. I interpret Eli to mean the high priest and judge that sits inside my head; and rumination to be the part of my mind that multiplies the smallest matter.

Esalen (day five)

 I want to scream but I duck-out of the workshop instead. Perhaps it’s to avoid dealing with my own issues but there’s a dialogue going around and around, without resolution. Why resolution is important to me right now I have no idea. 

Ken: If I don’t make these changes right away ..I feel like I won’t make them at all. But I know it would be irresponsible for me to just quit and leave (talking about changing jobs and moving away from a painful situation). 

Mary: well, you don’t have to do these things right away ..that would be acting impulsively, which is what’s gotten you into trouble in the past ..right? (referring to infidelity and resulting divorce). 

Ken: yeah but, unless I do it right away ..I’ll lose the sense of urgency I need to do it at all. 

Me: are you saying you can’t do things unless you feel a sense of urgency? 

Ken: that’s right. I usually need a feeling of urgency to get things done.

Mary: think you can plan to make changes while it still feels urgent ..then proceed with deliberation? You know, I have this saying by Winston Churchill posted in the hall outside my home-office. It goes: “stay calm ..carry on.” 

Ken: yeah but, events in my life will overtake that and other tasks will become more urgent the way they always do. 

Mary: isn’t relief from suffering urgent enough?

Ken: yeah, but I only feel that way here ..back home I’ll spiral back into the life I’m used to. 

Now I feel like screaming. I know that I’m working through Ken because what I hear him saying is something I recognize in myself. I often wait until things become urgent before doing them. However, I also know the painful consequences of procrastination. I want to say something that’ll help. However, it’s beginning to sound like a circular argument and the phrase: “spiral down ..forget about carrying on” is running through my head. Instead of saying anything, I duck outside for awhile. It helps me clear the mental chatter going on inside my head and lessens my compulsion to jump-in and try to help ‘resolve matters’ ..which is usually no help at all.

(posted November 2nd at UC Santa Cruz)

Esalen (day four)

To the mats ..

I’m laying on my back while Joy and Marie are massaging me ..Marie from my head down ..Joy from my feet up. My eyes are closed while Mary gently guides us: “Be aware of your breath ..see who comes into view ..who is it that you feel you want to talk to right now.” Many people flash by ..then I see my dad come into the foreground while others fade into the background. His presence stays. Next I hear Mary say: “Imagine a specific place where you can sit down ..look them in the eyes and, out loud ..tell them what it is you want to say to them ..what it is you are feeling.”I sit with him in his Tucson studio and say:

“Dad, I was at that place you refer to as ‘that place you like to go’ (Esalen). However, right now it doesn’t sound as dismissive as before ..more like an acknowledgment of something I like to do ..a recognition of how I feel. Makes me feel good. I don’t know why I ever expected more. I want to say that I appreciate you remembering what I like. Thank you. I also want to thank you for giving me life ..twice. Once when I was conceived, of course ..then again when I was eighteen and lost. You paved the way for me to go to the university, where I felt most at-home. Now I recognize that, what I once perceived as disinterest in what I was doing ..was actually non-interference with what I was doing. I know how much you value individuality. You were allowing me to ‘be my own man’. Not telling me what you expected me to be. Now I see that as a gift to be cherished. Thank you, dad ..I love you.”

Tears of joy are streaming down my face ..
 

(posted November 1st at UC Santa Cruz)

Esalen (day one)

Ken is from New York. Says that tonight’s activity was “..way too West Coast” for him. Thought he could be just an observer. Says he’s unsure if he can participate in the workshop this way. Mary asks what bothered him about tonight’s activity. He says he doesn’t know. Mary suggests that maybe he’s afraid. Ken says he guesses so. The instructions were to scan the room, then when Mary says “go” ..walk over to someone, take their hand and sit down with them. Everybody (including myself) reads way too much into these simple instructions. Some of us wander confused ..especially when the one we had chosen ..gets taken. Mary never said we couldn’t be a “threesome”. I read “form a couple” ..with all its connotations. I chose another wanderer ..Brita. Next we’re revealing something about ourselves to each other. I forget what I said, but I remember what Brita said. She lives in Big Sur, works at Esalen as a bodyworker and does whatever else she can to contribute. She also has a job in Monterey. I forget what. I also met my roommate, Michael, this evening. He’s on a month-long retreat ..with weekends free. This week he’s hiking with Steven Harper’s group. He’s from Toronto.

(posted October 31st at UC Santa Cruz)

Beauty of uncertainty

based on a study showing what happens when we discount the surprise value of unexpected events ~> [link]

Network communication theory

I have a theory that says whenever messages are transmitted between people in different locations; the accuracy of communication drops by 60%. I call it the ‘displacement theory of communication’ and it's an extension of findings in the field of human information-processing [link].

This drop in communication is wide-scale and can occur anywhere from cell phones to air traffic control systems. Messages are by nature incomplete and often assume knowledge of local conditions that aren’t available to the receiver. Without exacting protocols, like those developed in the air traffic control industry, incomplete messages are at best probabilistic and rely on the receiver to supply the most likely meaning intended. Since this is an innate function of human information-processing; it can happen quickly and imperceptibly. When it does, we are prone to making overconfident and faulty decisions about the most likely meaning intended. It has long been know that the most frequent decision we make during conversation is about the intention of others .. it’s also the one we get wrong most often. So, facebook users and text messagers ..beware! We are making the rules up as we go.

Deceptive advertsing

Response to an article in the LA Times titled~>

[FBI says Iran planned to attack Washington]

“Iran’s military elite hired members of a Mexican drug cartel to assassinate a Saudi ambassador in Washington DC” all I have to do is read this statement out loud and it comes across sounding pretty ludicrous. 

I can’t believe an elite military force in Iran would be foolish enough to hire a Mexican drug cartel to pull-off an assassination of this magnitude. First, it’s not in the interest of the cartel whose biggest concern is safeguarding the cash-flow they earn from smuggling drugs – covertly – into the US. They’re hardly known for political assassinations outside of Mexico where it’s ordinarily done to protect smuggling operations. Second, why would a drug cartel, with profits estimated in the billions, be interested in earning a few extra bucks by detonating a bomb inside Washington DC ..? They risk blowing their cover and incurring the wrath of the US, which is where their business interests lie. I don’t believe they care a whole heck of a lot about relations between Iran and Saudi Arabia. What I do suspect, however, is the intention of the US government. It gives them a good cover story for bombing Iranian nuclear power plants, something which Saudi Arabia has been expressing a great deal of interest in lately.

Iran-Contra Affair

Conspiracy theorist that I am ..why do I feel like I’m the last to know this. Looking back, it seems painfully obvious to me that the Iran-Contra affair had nothing to do with selling arms for hostages. That was a cover. It had everything to do with selling drugs for guns and money to support the Contras. A hostage exchange just sounds a lot more patriotic in the advent the operation was uncovered, which it was. The Contras were trying to overthrow the communist regime in Nicaragua. Turns out the U.S. National Security Council was allowing drug traffickers to sell their wares (in this case cocaine) to distributors in the U.S. in exchange for guns and money to support the Contras. As long as the proceeds were being funneled to the Contras, the U.S. State Department and DEA were willing to let the shipments flow. Police departments in both San Diego and Los Angeles can attest to this. Their efforts to investigate and arrest smugglers were repeatedly obstructed by the DEA [link].

Steve Jobs

It’s not a new management technique suitable for indoctrination. He was an old-school authoritarian. His message was simply to stay open, receptive and enthusiastic about new ideas in whatever field is closest to your heart. He chose to promote the right idea for software engineering. He invested in Mitch Kapor’s open architecture, which is component-based and extendable. Qualities that got it on the net (as apps) ..then on mobile platforms (as smartphones). Component-based software development is more toy-like and fun ..and it adapts easily to different platforms. The idea is, you don’t change components that already work, you pull them out of a library then adopt them to do whatever you want by creating an interface-component. Kind of like tinker-toys. Component-based software runs simulator-like (as it does at Pixar) - simulating things like an exchange floor with buyers, sellers, transactions and shipping methods (think Amazon). His message was to be open-minded, observe how things work in nature and real-world systems ..then double-down on technology that mimics those observations. That’s the best bet for future innovation.