Esalen (day five)

 I want to scream but I duck-out of the workshop instead. Perhaps it’s to avoid dealing with my own issues but there’s a dialogue going around and around, without resolution. Why resolution is important to me right now I have no idea. 

Ken: If I don’t make these changes right away ..I feel like I won’t make them at all. But I know it would be irresponsible for me to just quit and leave (talking about changing jobs and moving away from a painful situation). 

Mary: well, you don’t have to do these things right away ..that would be acting impulsively, which is what’s gotten you into trouble in the past ..right? (referring to infidelity and resulting divorce). 

Ken: yeah but, unless I do it right away ..I’ll lose the sense of urgency I need to do it at all. 

Me: are you saying you can’t do things unless you feel a sense of urgency? 

Ken: that’s right. I usually need a feeling of urgency to get things done.

Mary: think you can plan to make changes while it still feels urgent ..then proceed with deliberation? You know, I have this saying by Winston Churchill posted in the hall outside my home-office. It goes: “stay calm ..carry on.” 

Ken: yeah but, events in my life will overtake that and other tasks will become more urgent the way they always do. 

Mary: isn’t relief from suffering urgent enough?

Ken: yeah, but I only feel that way here ..back home I’ll spiral back into the life I’m used to. 

Now I feel like screaming. I know that I’m working through Ken because what I hear him saying is something I recognize in myself. I often wait until things become urgent before doing them. However, I also know the painful consequences of procrastination. I want to say something that’ll help. However, it’s beginning to sound like a circular argument and the phrase: “spiral down ..forget about carrying on” is running through my head. Instead of saying anything, I duck outside for awhile. It helps me clear the mental chatter going on inside my head and lessens my compulsion to jump-in and try to help ‘resolve matters’ ..which is usually no help at all.

(posted November 2nd at UC Santa Cruz)