“Ghosts appear most often where ignorance and falsehood reside.” ~ from Hindu Puranas written between 3000 BC and 1500 BC
A Swami at the Vedanta Temple helps us interpret this sutra. He tells us: “If you translate ‘ghost’ to mean ‘past life’ ..you get Ghosts appear where there is difficulty letting go of the past. When this occurs, memories come back to haunt ..and the struggle blocks the appreciation of present and possible futures. You see, blockage (clinging to the past) is ignorance.”
Oh Lord Ganesha!
You are the Trinity: Brahma, Vishnu, and Mahesa.
You are Indra. You are fire and air. You are the sun and the moon.
You are Brahman. You are the three worlds earth, space, and heaven.
You are Om. Without color, expression, or form, nor attributes to divide
Let me out / Let me in / I'm giving up / not giving in / I gave you everything I could give / But if you go so easily / Go on, get out, set me free
Classical conditioning, the power of connection between unrelated stimuli, like the sound of a bell and the smell of food ..can activate the salivary glands. Images of celebrities can activate areas of the brain responsible for receptivity and delight ..boosting the value of the products they endorse. While working at a foundation, awarding grants to research on developmental disorders, I was tasked to determine if there was any merit to the claim that Scientology can cure dyslexia. Turns out Tom Cruise was endorsing them and diverting funds, donated by the Hollywood movie industry, away from the Foundation and toward Scientology.
Psychologists say we often blame things on the most sensational events in recent memory. Vivid as they may be ..they are often suspect. Many people believe that the police framed OJ Simpson for the murder of his wife. After he was acquitted, jury members said things like “..reminded me of how the cops pulled-over and harassed my cousin Charlie.” A high school student shoots and kills his teacher and another student ..and people say “..have you seen the computer games kids play these days?” Our neighbor’s teenage daughter is committed to a mental institution and my sister goes “..no wonder, you should have seen how OCD her mother was.” I have to agree with Psychologists ..real life is not so easy to explain. Violent computer games don’t necessarily escalate into high school shootings. A brutal cop at a traffic stop is not the same as a police conspiracy. And I don’t think there’s any evidence that strict child rearing practices cause insanity ..although my sister says the neighbor drove her crazy as well.
See I'm not afraid no more / I'm not afraid no more / To turn you away no more / Turn you away no more / To turn you away, to turn you away
Buddha teaches that the nature of life is change and that the cause of suffering is clinging to the past and not accepting change.
Joe clings to the image of the good sonThe father clings to the image of his grown daughter when she was just nineThe mother clings to the illusion that the daughter is still alive ..unable to grasp the reality of her death.The lover clings to the illusion that her boyfriend, missing in action for 3 years, will walk through the door.
Each one, unable to acknowledge change ..keeps the others stuck ..until Joe publicly drops the ‘good son’ illusion ..allowing the others to let go of theirs.
Tantra yoga has the power to enhance and sustain well being. It releases a hormone called ‘oxytocin’ ..often referred to as the “bonding hormone”. Oxytocin plays a role in the development of intimacy. Over time it serves to deepen the commitment felt between practitioners [ Tantra Yoga ]
On the Road (1947) Jack Kerouac chronicles his brief love affair with a young Chicana migrant worker, ‘Bea Franco,’ in California’s Central Valley. It was a true story and part of the book with the most heart ..I felt (♡)
With the first kiss people usually invent a story about falling in love “..Eva couldn’t help inventing a story about falling out of love. She considered herself talented at leaving people and places. The first smile of a love affair was mostly fiction and blind hope, but you knew where you were with good-bye. You knew that mistakes would dissolve, doors would open, and then everything would be possible again. It was the ending, Eva maintained, that gave meaning to the story.”
”The secret to getting away with shit is to switch off your personality and go undetected: .. most of the million ghosts walking mindlessly from A to B in every city of the world are inconspicuous because they aren’t noticing themselves, but an arrogant person or an anxious person is noticeable because they are so aware of existence.” ‘The Pink Hotel’
Stephen Moyer and Anna Paquin plan to film ‘The Pink Hotel’. The narrative follows a seventeen-year old London girl who flies to Los Angeles for the funeral of Lilly, a mother she’d barely known. While there, she uncovers a suitcase full of photographs, letters and clothes in the attic of the eponymous hotel and, led by these clues, sets out to unravel her mothers’ secrets. Stothard is hoping that, as locals, Paquin and Moyer film on location at the real pink hotel (also known as The Cadillac) in Venice Beach.
Waking in L.A. with Anna Stothard: "I lived in Thai Town and Little Armenia, in this apartment block full of just all different sorts of people. And I found that, not driving — I have never driven — I just found that I walked this version of Los Angeles that none of my friends seemed to know anything about. And I’d walk out of my apartment and there would be a huge Armenian wedding going on, and then you’d pass through the crowds of these Armenians and you’d get Thai children peeling oranges on a street corner for a Thai altarpiece. And the Armenians never seemed to talk to the Thai people. There were all these different layers of the city that nobody seemed to cross over. Everyone says that LA is all these suburbs looking for a city. But actually in every little bit of Los Angeles there are so many different layers. You just have to look beyond the cliche of Los Angeles."
Voyage of a swell: "At ten, I completed a 5,000-mile, 6-month cruise in Mexico on my family’s sailboat, The Endless Summer, experiencing a different culture, the freedom and beauty of sea travel, and opening my mind to horizons beyond my hometown reality. At 23 I spontaneously came upon the chance to become the captain of my own sailboat. Swell. October of 2005, I pointed Swell’s bow south from the Santa Barbara harbor. I’ve sailed over 18,000 nautical miles of ocean since. I’ve discovered that the most important sort of exploration happens within.” [link]
An interpretation: The film shows what can happen when economic class differences are enforced by the Government. They become structured rather than fluid. The possibility for advancement is eliminated ..except by winning the hunger games ..inspiring a false sense of hope.
Attack of the jabberjays
Scarlett Johansson plays an alien predator. She wears a black wig and is not immediately recognizable as she cruises through Glasgow and the surrounding countryside picking up hitchhikers in a van equipped with hidden video cameras. Like candid camera, their reactions are real and authentic. Their stories offer a glimpse of society from the point of view of the ultimate outsider. Muwahahaha
Had an old dog and his name was Blue / you know Blue was mighty true / you know Blue was a good old dog / Blue treed a ‘possum in a hollow log / you can know from that he’s a good old dog / Blue treed a ‘possum out on a limb / Blue looked at me and I looked at him / Grabbed that ‘possum and put him in a sack / Don’t move Blue till I get back
I’m walking up State Street .. keeping my eyes focused on what’s ahead of me while dimly noticing what passes on the periphery. Images from the past also flash by. Mostly shops and restaurants that are no longer there. I watch them come and go. Now I’m focusing my attention on the rhythm of my gait ..now I’m focusing on where I feel tension and where I feel relaxed ..now I’m focusing on my breath ..feeling pressure build when I inhale and drop as I exhale. Now I’m noticing pressure build as others pass by. Feeling self-conscious. Funny, you’d think I’d outgrown that by now. Oh well. Now I’m remembering an article I read this morning in Luminosity ..reminding me (for the millionth time) how presence of mind is my ally against craziness of mind. I duck into the library on Anapamu and listen to a room full of children sing. Sweet. I don’t leave until they’re done.
Thank you for not killing me
in the metal-grilled cross-hairs
of your monstrous SUV
as I crossed the street
cautiously, in full view, in daylight,
in the crosswalk where I thought I had a lawful right to be
and indeed once did in a different, slower world
when I could meander and even take a peek upward
at a trail of pelicans
or outward at a glorious pod of dolphins,
but now I must deal with the likes of you
as you fight for space, wrecking the world
with anger and the awful weight of your toys. ~ John Gardiner UCI
1993 ~ I’m in Paris with Anh. We found a cool pensione in the Latin Quarter. Underneath our window four streets the size of alleyways converge on a small corner where a flower market blooms and we can get fresh baguettes in the morning. We watch trekkers with backpacks checking their maps below the street signs. One of those streets takes us to Pont Neuf. We can get from here to the Louvre, Notre Dame and Champs Elysee on foot. !I’m stoked! Our lovemaking is enhanced. Anh says: “when we get back to the States I’m going to go ..lets do it like Paris.”
During a conversation with Colleen and Sasha I hear the word “sisters”. We’re talking about the Von Grey Band but what pops into my head is the time I kissed my girlfriend’s sister at a party. This is followed immediately by my girlfriend’s reaction and my own feelings of regret. Now I’m asking myself: Do Colleen and Sasha somehow know about this? That can’t be ..it happened too long ago! Yet, I’m moved by an urge to confess this shameful act and redeem myself. I resist but end up missing the rest of the conversation. “You okay?” Sasha asks.
Baby, if I’m half the man I say I am / if I’m a woman with no fear / just like I claim I am / then I believe in what you say / there’s nothing left for you to do / the only proof that I need is you.
10 am ~ It’s foggier and much cooler than a couple days ago. The ocean looks foreboding and I have my doubts about going in. I trek in my sweats ..circling the Music Academy and Koi ponds several times before heading back to Butterfly Beach. About a 40 minute loop. Still not sure I’m going in though. After a set of prāṇāyāmā and yoga exercises (30 minutes) I feel looser and the air feels considerably warmer. I look out and see a girl swimming in a flesh-colored thong bikini. I have to look twice ..maybe three times ..to make sure she’s wearing anything at all. Then Steve walks over and tells me the water is as warm as it looks. That’s it. I’m going in. I backstroke until one set of leg muscles start cramping then flip over and swim freestyle until another set starts to cramp (20 minutes). I’m done. Back out on Cabrillo the fog is burning off and it feels toasty. I swing by Blockbuster .. pick up ‘Whip it’ and head home feeling positively high.
So don't ask me where I'll go / ‘Cause, frankly, I don't know / And I don't give a shit / Why must we all make sense / Of what just won't make sense / For once, I'm just gonna live / I'm just gonna live / Because we're..
I haven’t heard from Lilia since her sister-in-law visited. I called once or twice to she if she were up for running but got no answer. Today I find out she’s planning to move. Rob told me. I ask why and he says: “She’s violating her rental agreement. Only allows for her and one other person (her teenage daughter). There are three teenage girls living there.” Makes me think someone must have snitched. He goes: “They weren’t obnoxious or anything. Just being teenage girls. Wasn’t their fault. Lilia’s got secrets though.” I’m thinking ..yeah, single mother going through a divorce. Something she confided in me but probably not the rest of the neighborhood. Explains why I haven’t seen her around. Turns out her sister-in-law has two teenage daughters who wanted to spend part of the summer in Santa Barbara. Not uncommon. Hardly warrants a violation. On top of going through a divorce ..re-locating .. starting a new job ..and trying to help her nieces .. she’s got to find someplace else to live. That sucks. I suggest she try holding out as long as she can .. let her nieces enjoy the rest of their summer break.
They say the fabric of memory is pliable and self-serving. It can be revised by the simple act of re-hashing things. I don’t know if this has anything to do with it but I often recollect scenes from movies I enjoy. Lately I’ve been watching a lot of French films with the actress Audrey Tautou ..who I just adore. I saw her in the movie ‘Da Vinci Code’ last night. This morning when Audrey Tautou popped into my head ..I mistook her for the character she plays in the movie. A character of potentially game-changing consequence to humanity. It felt eerie. It was just a flash but I’m wondering if this isn’t also some kind of false memory. Perhaps I’m overthinking it. I often blur the distinction between fantasy and reality. I know I confuse scenes from the movies with episodes from my past.
I saw the movie ‘The Girl’ last night. It takes place on the border between the U.S. and Mexico in Texas. Reminded me of how egocentric I can be. So can Ashley ..the main character. She over-estimates her role in the death of Rosa’s mother then undertakes an enormous journey to reunite Rosa with her family in Oaxaca .. explaining to them how it was her irresponsible actions at the border that lead to the mother’s death. After hearing what happened .. Rosa’s grandmother disagrees and says: “No, it was the river that killed her.” That and the pursuit of her dream. She considers Ashley a saint for bringing her granddaughter home safely. This confounds Ashley who places herself at the center of events. Even her father tells her he’s not going to bail her out of this one. It wasn’t her fault though. Illegal border crossings are risky business. It was underway long before she got there.
“I couldn’t get past the idea that I’d been abandoned. In my mind I was like the victim because I wasn’t able to get him to stay. I seriously believed I was the best I’d ever be ..I was nothing without him. When he left, I felt like a failure ..like I wasn’t good enough ..he wanted someone better. I realize now that he wanted to better himself. Now I’m like, what the fuck ..? Who’s to say I didn’t abandoned him? I get a lot of things wrong.”
Why do you care what people think / Are you hooked up to their leash / You know {{ankle biters}} ate up your personality / Try to remember how it felt / To just make up your own steps / And the {{anklebiters}} chew up, spit out someone else / Fall in love with yourself / Because / Someday you’re gonna be the only one you’ve got / Someday you’re gonna be the only one you’ve got / Why do you want to please the world /And leave yourself to drop dead / someday you’re gonna be the only one you’ve got / What do you actually expect / A broken mirror / to reflect / You know {{ankle biters}} gave you a false perception ~ Hayley Williams
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| Hayley Williams of Paramore |
I arrive at Butterfly at 8:50 am. The sky is clear and about 10 degrees warmer than where I live, which means it’s already hot down here. I strip to shorts and follow my new loop. At 9:30 I’m back on the beach doing yoga exercises. The fog has replaced blue sky. There’s a group of swimmers calling themselves ‘the ducks’. They swim out to the buoy and back. I remind my self not to even think it. I paddle on my back ..kicking from my ankles to get better propulsion. I flip over and do some freestyle swimming ..reminding myself that a little is enough. Used to be easy. Now it seems I’m working harder to keep my head above water. Not sure why. Perhaps it’s because I’m not able to rely on my ankles as much, which means I slow down and stall. I have to switch to greater leg motion for freestyle.
I arrive at Butterfly at 9:40 am. The fog is thick and getting thicker. I find a new trekking route that goes by the Music Academy ..score! After completing one loop ..I’m back on the beach practicing prāṇāyāmā at 10:00 am. A sailboat moored offshore disappears although I can still hear the halyard clinking the mast. Conditions are calm with a nice waist-high break. I walk out confidently and dive into an oncoming swell. I come out the backside and slip on my fins in one swell foop (it was taking me several tries before). The weight of the water doesn’t feel nearly as heavy on my fins as it has on prior days. I glide on my back kicking from my ankles .. I get better propulsion that way. Afterward I’m walking down the aisles at Trader Joes. The thin atmosphere on Earth is easy compared with the water. Almost feels like I’m walking on the moon.
I decide to add a swim to my trek, which means doing just half a trek. I start at Butterfly Beach instead of the lagoon and go out and back along the bluff. A 25 minute round trip. I do some yoga exercises on the beach ..take a few deep breaths ..grab my fins and slowly walk out into the water. There’s a tiny swell but it pushes me around big time. I plunge in and slip on a fin in one swell foop. Standing upright in waist deep water ..the other fin proves more difficult. Trying to balance on one fin isn’t so easy. I get knocked over every time I lift my foot. I try rolling with the surf but it’s too disorienting and I end up swallowing a mouthful of water. I try a sideways stance to counter the incoming swells. That works and I slip on the fin ..fall backward into the water and float. The effort to lift my fins upward is substantial though. I can feel the weight of the water more than ever. Pushing down is much easier. So I take short kicks using my ankles as much as possible. That works and I glide along watching the shore zip by. I flip over to swim freestyle but its feels really awkward. I’m too uncoordinated. I flip on my back again and feel the weight of the water on my fins, ankles and calves. Tells me I’m working pretty hard. So I just float for a while and let the swells push me back into shore. I take big steps getting out ..plop my butt on wet sand and review what just happened out there. I counter feelings of discouragement by telling myself it’s going to take a little practice ..that’s all. Perhaps I’ll use the pool a few more times. Anyway, feels good to be back ..w00t!
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| Butterfly Beach |
bringing down the recording industry.
Brilliant use of the Internet to create a meaningful music exchange
In space, the powers of creation and destruction work differently than they do here on earth. Matter appears, dissolves and reappears just like here but in a much s l o w e r m a n n e r. Matter that makes up you and me. On earth we’re refreshed at such high rates of speed that the particles of matter disappear and reappear in essentially the same place ..making our position more or less predictable from one instant to the next. In space, however, it’s so cold that things take a little longer ..when measured in nano-seconds. So, instead of the high-speed collisions that we see on earth .. particles are refreshed by way of quantum tunneling in space [link]. This means we could wink out of one place one moment and reappear in another place the next ..kind of like looking at someone through a strobe light. And not only that .. this kind of delay lowers the probability of particles sticking together ..meaning there’s a good chance that we could dissolve in the process.
6:30 am ..I check out the news and weather online. Watch Hayley Williams sing on YouTube. Feel my spirits lifting. Have coffee and a smoothie on the deck ..watch my thoughts pick up speed. Put the top down on the alfa and zip to the shore. I start at the bird refuge by the lagoon ..adjust my trekking poles and take long strides to the bluff overlooking Butterfly Beach. I pass through azalea, bougainvillea and lantana. Watch a hummingbird freeze in midair to check me out. I can feel the breeze from its wings on my face. I thank her for the kind gesture and she passes. I look out over the edge ..glassy conditions, emerald green water. I think next time I’m wearing my swim shorts instead.
I run into Lilia on my next trip to the high school track and ask her if she’s able to continue running on the beach. I’ve been going down there just about every morning since we met. She reminds me to call before next time I go. We make plans for the following day. Later I wonder if it’s such a good idea ..might be too soon to make it a social event. I don’t know. I need to stay focused. I call the next day anyway .. but she tells me she has to go to the airport with her family ..she forgot. Her sister-in-law is coming to visit. But she wants to go tomorrow. I call the next morning and get a message telling me she’s a voice-mail customer who hasn’t started her voice-mail service yet. For some reason it feels like a failure-to-launch, which surprises me. I shouldn’t feel this way .. it’s not like it was a date or anything. Even though I know I’m making a big deal out of it ..it.kinda’ revives my doubts. Reminds me to stay focused.
I think I may actually know something about the value of information. It was my field in grad school and I worked in IT for almost 20 years. Seems like I should. Anyway I can usually tell when someone says something will happen based only on the possibility that it could happen. In logic I think they would call that a fallacy. Last week the Washington Post reported Edward Snowden’s claim that the government has unfettered access to our personal online records. Alarming, but the way the report reads ..only a possibility. Since the Washington Post is a fairly reliable source and some of the other claims turned out to be true, I gave this one equal credit. Next I hear all the major online services denying such a ‘secret government portal’ exists. I felt like I’d given it too much credit. The folks at Google would certainly know when they’re being hacked ..wouldn’t they. Then the New York Times reports that Google and government officials ‘discussed the creation of portals’ where the government can go retrieve online information anytime ..without a search warrant. Certainly bolsters Snowden’s claim. Today I hear that Snowden has been on a campaign against intrusive government for a long time and his claim is based on ‘government-training material’. Certainly a worthy campaign ..but I’ve seen government-training material before. So now I’m back to square one. Just because someone says something could happen doesn’t mean it did. As far as I’m concerned .. the value of his claim is still indeterminate and could go either way.
I meet Lilia for the first time at the football stadium. I’m walking around the track ..she’s sitting on the steps having a beer. It’s Friday after work. I stop and say “hi, kicking back?” She responds enthusiastically so I stay and we chat. She says she needed to get out of the house ..something about not wanting to drink in front of her daughter. She goes on to tell me she’s getting a divorce and recently moved back to Santa Barbara where she grew up. Went to high school here ..played soccer and ran cross-country. Graduated in 1984 ..which I quickly figure makes her 12 years younger than me (old habit). She looks fit ..Hispanic ..pretty. She tells me she’s started running again on the beach and says: “they’ve finally come out with a running shoe you can wear in the water.” I tell her about my plans to start walking where I used to run along the shore. She lights up and asks me to call ..she’d like to join me ..says it would help her stayed committed ..and gives me her number. I give her mine. Turns out we’re neighbors ..she lives just a few doors down. Now I’m having lingering thoughts about her.
