Offshore flow

There is a distinct line on the horizon separating the ocean and the sky. No blur, which means there’s still an offshore flow ..no marine layer to fog things up. Jim and I walk along the beach ..watching the waves and the birds ..and he tells me that ‘birds are transformed fish.’ ‘Huh ? ..are you saying birds evolved from fish ?’ ‘No, I’m saying that they eat fish’ ‘Hmmm, couldn’t you just say that birds are digested fish ?’ ‘Yea, same thing.’ ‘Ok, ok ..since they’re part of a food chain ..can you also say that fish are future birds?’ ‘Ummm, no ..I don’t think the fish are aware of that.’ ‘Now wait a minute ..how do you know what fish think ?’ ‘Well, I don’t think they’re counting the days till they become birds.’ The line between the ocean and sky is blurry now ..I think the flow must have shifted onshore.

Wet rat

I am at the college ..sitting outside by the fountain ..and I can see smoke from the Topanga Canyon fire drifting out to sea. That means there’s an offshore flow today ..not the usual marine layer ..it’s really hot ..101 degrees ..and very dry. I’m taking a break from the computer lab where I’ve spent the last three hours in techno-hell. Didn’t accomplish a thing because of stupid file-handling problems. I assure myself I’m not to blame because other people are having the same problem ..I know this because I can see them on Google when I search for the error message. It feels like an oven out here ..my own private Idaho in there ..I'm thinking about going for a swim in the ocean!

Soundtrack

I woke up this morning feeling strange. Each moment arriving in a flash ..disconnected from the last. I eat a sloppy breakfast of Quaker oats and spilled coffee. I feel numb and I’m having trouble connecting to my surroundings ..and getting things done ..like cutting fruit for my cereal. I hear my brain shouting ‘wakeup ..wakeup !!!’ I can barely operate the sound system. I’m sitting on the deck feeling woozy ..but after awhile the tunes start to register and my thoughts fall into step ..almost like a soundtrack. I hear songs with phrases like: “don’t be shy ..let your feelings roll on by ..in your eyes ..in the arms of the angels ” and I realize how powerful a soundtrack can be ..music invokes memories and feelings that can make a movie more or less accessible ..heightening receptivity to the visual images flashing by. All I need is the right soundtrack.

Conundrum

The cocaine trade is pretty stable. U.S. supplies have not changed over the last five years in spite of $3 million spent by the Bush administration to eradicate this bounty using aerial surveillance. I think the Colombian 'coca' farmers are learning from the coffee farmers just how sustainable ‘shade grown’ cultivation can be.

Wharf rat

I am able to get along with the crazy people living down by the wharf. We share similar delusions. Some of them seem to have adjusted to their delusions ..as obsessive and irrational as they may sound. Charlie Swift was an engineer ..spent 20 years in industrial design. He left his wife at home one night to buy a bottle of wine ..and didn't return. He thinks she's still waiting for him ..but he’s afraid to go home because of the trashing he'll get. He's been imagining it since ’93. Those were the days when he drank cabernet. Now his wine of choice is burgundy. Unlike people I meet at the clubs, I don't believe I've ever met a wharf person who says there's a brand of wine that's beneath them to drink.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: A new book by T.C. Boyle called ‘Tooth and Claw’ sounds good if you want to read more about people trapped by obsessive-compulsive behavior. Brain Lock by Dr. Jeffrey M. Schwartz, is a good book if you want to read about obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) from a clinical viewpoint. It is highly readable and uses case studies to describe methods for helping people suffering with OCD.

Lab rat

I think I’ve been spending way too much time in the computer lab ..I'm seeing Windows everywhere and the lab tech is starting to look attractive. I don't mean she ordinarily looks like Lisa Loopner (Gilda Radner on Saturday Night Live). She’s really very pleasant ..great big oval-shaped eyes, very green .. a wide smile, very bright ..and I like the way her face lights up when she talks about MP3 Podcasts. Anyway, this morning she welcomed me with a smile and said: “your back ..poor thing”. Now, I wonder, did she mean ‘poor thing’ as in ..‘poor thing ..you work so hard’ or ‘poor thing ..you must have nothing better to do ..how pathetic’. Actually, it’s me who’s wondering how pathetic I am. So, instead of hanging around ..I do a few quick keystrokes and duck out of there. I think of something I can do to make me stop feeling like such a geek. I go to Morninglory Records and explore. Music renews my spirit. While I’m there I discover ‘Devendra Banhart’ ..very unique, he sounds neo-folk. Very cool ! I hang out at State&A listening to a group called ‘Coral Sea’. They sound sort of like Coldplay ..except with strings ..very sweet ! Next time I go to the computer lab ..maybe I won’t feel so pathetic.

Uncharted territory

I stayed after class last night to listen to the instructor repeat how ‘delegates’ work in cyberspace. It's like sending someone on a mission (a secondary thread) to make copies. First, you have to give them the address of Kinko’s ..then the address of where to meet back on the main thread safely. OK, I think I got it. While he was talking I flashed back to the second grade where I gave up recess one day to listen to the teacher repeat long division. I didn’t get it at first because I was sitting way too far in the back of class ..and paying much more attention to my immediate surroundings ..namely Mary. Fortunately, I got this uneasy feeling that I missed something weighty. Next I flash-forward to college where I would stay after my neuroscience class, with a few other students, seeing if we could wring anything more weighty out of the instructor. What do I know ? Very little ..there's so much uncharted territory.

Time warp

I'm laying peacefully on the deck under a clear night sky. There's no moon and the stars look like bonfires. First, I find Taurus ..then Orion. Astronomers say I’m looking at past history ..stretching clear from here to the beginning of time. The next morning I’m looking down my street, about to walk to the corner market, when I remember what the Hopi Indians say about time and space: they are inseparable. I’m actually looking forward in time because, from where I am now ..the corner market is in the future. Then I wonder ..aren’t I looking into the past. I mean, I can’t see the future ..all I can do is project the past and all the other times I’ve been to the market. So really, what I’m doing is looking back in memory ..(?) Now I’m sitting on the curb ..feeling kind of lost.

Brink

In New Orleans some people have been pushed to the edge with nowhere left to go. Many of them were already living on the brink ..economically and psychologically speaking. Now their survival is at stake. In Jefferson Parish there is a Mad Max-like community living in squalor ..the social structure obliterated. Although some may have a roof over their head ..they have little food or water ..and no power. Junked appliances and wrecked cars are everywhere. I've been told they have a messiah though ..a social worker who siphons gas and goes driving around scavenging supplies. He comes back dispensing ice, cookies, candles, water and anti-psychotics ..anti-psychotics? I suppose those are good for shattered nerves and broken dreams. Where are they going to go? Many have never been outside of New Orleans ..and they’re frightened of what’s out there. Hell, I would be too if I had to abandon home like that. It's become like a Third World country since it was passed over during the evacuation ..I wonder if we’ll pick them up during the next period of reconstruction.

Resurgence: A new book by E. L. Doctorow called ‘The March’ depicts General Sherman’s demolition of the South ..and how it cultivated the seeds of resurgence.

Geek mind

Fear and loathing in the computer lab ..or mothers, don’t let your children grow up to be techies! I look up ..it’s past midnight and I’m still in the computer lab. I’ve been here through lunch and dinner but my appetite wore off a long time ago. I’m running on fumes of acetylcholine and obsession. I refuse to accept defeat. It’s like there’s a defiant broadcast signal in my brain hollering: ‘why don’t these fucking numbers compute ..why don’t these fucking numbers compute ..and what kind of a fucking loser am I anyway’. But the real question is ..why can’t I just back away from the computer and walk outta here? I haven’t had normal eye contact with anyone for over 24 hours ..and I'm getting delusional. It looks like the guy next to me is eating his keyboard ..another person is muttering over and over again about files from hell ..someone is crying about something irretrievably lost ..there's a guy over there shaking his fist at the screen and shouting about how unstable his connection is. The lab assistants look disturbed. When the guy next to me starts saying something about getting a gun ..I lean over and ask him to shoot me first.

Geek society

I’m going to class tonight ..and, I’ve never felt more stupid ..I’m taking visual basic ..because I always thought it was way cool ..and now they’ve upgraded it to java class ..but I got such a leaky head ..I haven't done anything like this in about a million years ..and there's all these young kids in there going 'what's the old guy doing here ?' ..and I’m going 'what am I doing here ?' ..and when I say ’young kids’, I don’t mean ‘cute college girls’ ..they don't take classes like this .. all the good-looking girls are in the real estate class next door ..come to think of it .. there aren’t too many good-looking guys in here either ..a bunch of pale-skin, spiky-hair, skeleton-thin computer hackers with piercings and tattoos .. jacked up on red bull, Xbox and adrenaline .. jabbering in computer code with razor blades behind their ears ..switchblade knives .. waiting for me in the parking lot ..because they prey on the old and weary ..ok, then Wednesday I’m taking another class ..database servers ..now these guys are so far in the back office that light hurts their eyes ..I feel safer with them though ..they're just anti-social.

Neuro satisfaction

Ever since the MTV Video Awards, the tune “Don’t wanna be an American Idiot” keeps looping through my brain. Now it’s become a mantra for me to enroll at the local college ..and take some computer courses. So far, it’s been challenging. Since I don’t program for a living ..what may be small, routine steps for a classmate are like major undertakings for me. Things like event-handling and multi-threading. So, it’s gonna be slow. Satisfying maybe ..but definitely slow. Satisfaction is a feeling I only get when I do something challenging anyway. It doesn’t last long ..and I become quickly dissatisfied again. According to neuroscientists, satisfaction is the result of neurotransmitters (dopamine and cortisol) flooding my brain whenever I accomplish something new. It’s a temporary state that needs refreshing from time to time. Oh well, I hope that these classes are more satisfying than overwhelming. Otherwise, somewhere down the line I'll be submitting an entry called 'Neuro nightmare'.