just live

So don't ask me where I'll go / ‘Cause, frankly, I don't know / And I don't give a shit / Why must we all make sense / Of what just won't make sense / For once, I'm just gonna live / I'm just gonna live / Because we're..

Lilia pt 3

I haven’t heard from Lilia since her sister-in-law visited. I called once or twice to she if she were up for running but got no answer. Today I find out she’s planning to move. Rob told me. I ask why and he says: “She’s violating her rental agreement. Only allows for her and one other person (her teenage daughter). There are three teenage girls living there.” Makes me think someone must have snitched. He goes: “They weren’t obnoxious or anything. Just being teenage girls. Wasn’t their fault. Lilia’s got secrets though.” I’m thinking ..yeah, single mother going through a divorce. Something she confided in me but probably not the rest of the neighborhood. Explains why I haven’t seen her around. Turns out her sister-in-law has two teenage daughters who wanted to spend part of the summer in Santa Barbara. Not uncommon. Hardly warrants a violation. On top of going through a divorce ..re-locating .. starting a new job ..and trying to help her nieces .. she’s got to find someplace else to live. That sucks. I suggest she try holding out as long as she can .. let her nieces enjoy the rest of their summer break.

false memories

They say the fabric of memory is pliable and self-serving. It can be revised by the simple act of re-hashing things. I don’t know if this has anything to do with it but I often recollect scenes from movies I enjoy. Lately I’ve been watching a lot of French films with the actress Audrey Tautou ..who I just adore. I saw her in the movie ‘Da Vinci Code’ last night. This morning when Audrey Tautou popped into my head ..I mistook her for the character she plays in the movie. A character of potentially game-changing consequence to humanity. It felt eerie. It was just a flash but I’m wondering if this isn’t also some kind of false memory. Perhaps I’m overthinking it. I often blur the distinction between fantasy and reality. I know I confuse scenes from the movies with episodes from my past.

egocentricity

I saw the movie ‘The Girl’ last night. It takes place on the border between the U.S. and Mexico in Texas. Reminded me of how egocentric I can be. So can Ashley ..the main character. She over-estimates her role in the death of Rosa’s mother then undertakes an enormous journey to reunite Rosa with her family in Oaxaca .. explaining to them how it was her irresponsible actions at the border that lead to the mother’s death. After hearing what happened .. Rosa’s grandmother disagrees and says: “No, it was the river that killed her.” That and the pursuit of her dream. She considers Ashley a saint for bringing her granddaughter home safely. This confounds Ashley who places herself at the center of events. Even her father tells her he’s not going to bail her out of this one. It wasn’t her fault though. Illegal border crossings are risky business. It was underway long before she got there.

Invisible Empire

Oh Glory

Story of Eve

“I couldn’t get past the idea that I’d been abandoned. In my mind I was like the victim because I wasn’t able to get him to stay. I seriously believed I was the best I’d ever be ..I was nothing without him. When he left, I felt like a failure ..like I wasn’t good enough ..he wanted someone better. I realize now that he wanted to better himself. Now I’m like, what the fuck ..? Who’s to say I didn’t abandoned him? I get a lot of things wrong.”

Now

Why do you care what people think / Are you hooked up to their leash / You know {{ankle biters}} ate up your personality / Try to remember how it felt /  To just make up your own steps / And the {{anklebiters}} chew up, spit out someone else / Fall in love with yourself / Because / Someday you’re gonna be the only one you’ve got / Someday you’re gonna be the only one you’ve got / Why do you want to please the world /And leave yourself to drop dead / someday you’re gonna be the only one you’ve got / What do you actually expect / A broken mirror / to reflect / You know  {{ankle biters}} gave you a false perception    ~ Hayley Williams

Hayley Williams of Paramore

trek

I arrive at Butterfly at 8:50 am. The sky is clear and about 10 degrees warmer than where I live, which means it’s already hot down here. I strip to shorts and follow my new loop. At 9:30 I’m back on the beach doing yoga exercises. The fog has replaced blue sky. There’s a group of swimmers calling themselves ‘the ducks’. They swim out to the buoy and back. I remind my self not to even think it. I paddle on my back ..kicking from my ankles to get better propulsion. I flip over and do some freestyle swimming  ..reminding myself that a little is enough. Used to be easy. Now it seems I’m working harder to keep my head above water. Not sure why. Perhaps it’s because I’m not able to rely on my ankles as much, which means I slow down and stall. I have to switch to greater leg motion for freestyle.

trek

I arrive at Butterfly at 9:40 am. The fog is thick and getting thicker. I find a new trekking route that goes by the Music Academy ..score! After completing one loop ..I’m back on the beach practicing prāṇāyāmā at 10:00 am. A sailboat moored offshore disappears although I can still hear the halyard clinking the mast. Conditions are calm with a nice waist-high break. I walk out confidently and dive into an oncoming swell. I come out the backside and slip on my fins in one swell foop (it was taking me several tries before). The weight of the water doesn’t feel nearly as heavy on my fins as it has on prior days. I glide on my back kicking from my ankles .. I get better propulsion that way. Afterward I’m walking down the aisles at Trader Joes. The thin atmosphere on Earth is easy compared with the water. Almost feels like I’m walking on the moon.

 walking on the moon

trek

I decide to add a swim to my trek, which means doing just half a trek. I start at Butterfly Beach instead of the lagoon and go out and back along the bluff. A 25 minute round trip. I do some yoga exercises on the beach ..take a few deep breaths ..grab my fins and slowly walk out into the water. There’s a tiny swell but it pushes me around big time. I plunge in and slip on a fin in one swell foop. Standing upright in waist deep water ..the other fin proves more difficult. Trying to balance on one fin isn’t so easy. I get knocked over every time I lift my foot. I try rolling with the surf but it’s too disorienting and I end up swallowing a mouthful of water. I try a sideways stance to counter the incoming swells. That works and I slip on the fin ..fall backward into the water and float. The effort to lift my fins upward is substantial though. I can feel the weight of the water more than ever. Pushing down is much easier. So I take short kicks using my ankles as much as possible. That works and I glide along watching the shore zip by. I flip over to swim freestyle but its feels really awkward. I’m too uncoordinated. I flip on my back again and feel the weight of the water on my fins, ankles and calves. Tells me I’m working pretty hard. So I just float for a while and let the swells push me back into shore. I take big steps getting out ..plop my butt on wet sand and review what just happened out there. I counter feelings of discouragement by telling myself it’s going to take a little practice ..that’s all. Perhaps I’ll use the pool a few more times. Anyway, feels good to be back ..w00t!

Butterfly Beach

music exchange

bringing down the recording industry. 

Brilliant use of the Internet to create a meaningful music exchange

quantum tunnelling

In space, the powers of creation and destruction work differently than they do here on earth. Matter appears, dissolves and reappears just like here but  in  a   much   s l o w e r   m a n n e r.  Matter that makes up you and me. On earth we’re refreshed at such high rates of speed that the particles of matter disappear and reappear in essentially the same place ..making our position more or less predictable from one instant to the next. In space, however, it’s so cold that things take a little longer ..when measured in nano-seconds. So, instead of the high-speed collisions that we see on earth .. particles are refreshed by way of quantum tunneling in space [link]. This means we could wink out of one place one moment and reappear in another place the next ..kind of like looking at someone through a strobe light. And not only that .. this kind of delay lowers the probability of particles sticking together ..meaning there’s a good chance that we could dissolve in the process.