Chatter bots

A programmed ‘chatter bot’ opens Yahoo’s messenger service ..goes into the member directory ..looks up user ids ..and, for each one it finds ..opens a Yahoo message box and fills it with canned chat ..sending out invitations for people to look at them on a website where the number of page-views gets tallied ..giving someone the numbers they need to command higher fees for the banner ads you see. I usually respond by inviting them to look at my website first ..knowing full well that chatter bots are not programmed to listen. My college roommate used to do something similar when people came to the door handing out religious pamphlets. He always acted so delighted, telling them how much he loved these. He would ask them to wait at the door ..while he went into a hallway closet where he kept boxes full of pamphlets that other people had given him ..he’d select one at random ..and return saying: “I would like to show my gratitude by giving you one of mine to read.” Turns out those religious messengers weren’t programmed to listen either ..they usually just handed them back saying: “Sorry ..I can’t do that.” My roommate responded by acting hurt ..taking the pamphlet back ..and saying: “Well, if you won’t read mine ..then I’m not going to read yours.” ..and close the door. However, once in a while, someone would come to the door ..and actually sit on the steps and read one. My roommate didn’t mind inviting them in for a chat. So, who knows, maybe one day I too will find an IM waiting in my box from a ‘chatter bot’ who actually took the time to listen.

New medz

Flashing lights wake me in the morning ..my brain is trying to tell me something but I refuse to listen ..so it yanks me out of bed and slams me against the wall ..I try to focus but my eye sight is shattered .. it’s like looking through a kaleidoscope .. part of the floor drifts above me ..while things in front of me stretch around my periphery ..a hand reaches down ..then breaks into pieces that drift out of sight ..I figure I’ll catch up with it later and go downstairs for a cup of coffee ..but my kitchen has turned into squalor ..all the windows are broken ..and a group of skin heads have established residency in my living room ..I hear them talking but it sounds like gibberish ..I see grubby fingers juggling razor blades ..and bloody handprints smeared on the walls ..they turn to me and start to laugh ..I turn around and see tentacles reaching through the broken glass ..I try to run but get wrapped up by my neck and face ..and pulled through a portal into outer space.

The doctor just nods his head and says: “Please, tell me more“ ..while he writes me a ‘script for new medz.

My front door

Its’ been a long time since I was in the middle of nowhere ..not sure if I remember how to get there. One thing is certain however ..I feel like I’m getting stuck in the middle of ‘somewhere’. Fences are going up so fast that, pretty soon ..I won’t be able to recognize the canyon where I live anymore. It looks like the city of Los Angeles has leapt a firebreak ..somewhere around Calabasas ..and is spreading fast. Where it will end ..God only knows ..but now it’s right outside my front door. I’m finding out what happens when destructive forces cross natural barriers ..attorneys with unscrupulous practices follow. They steal a million dollar view and sell it to somebody else ..there ain’t nothing you can do. I hear when psychological boundaries collapse ..they bring doctors with the latest medications ..which is a good thing because maybe then I can find the middle of nowhere ..take off my clothes ..lay in the grass ..look up at the sky ..and feel like I’m part of the earth again.

Night sweats

I wake up in the middle of the night with a jolt ..my anxieties are coming out of the closet .. pressing against my chest and squeezing my throat. I try to shout but no words come out. My thoughts are loud and clear though ..and they are broadcasting like an air raid siren: “You gotta stop treating your attorney like he’s just a necessary evil ..and you better do something about that dead eucalyptus tree in the backyard before it does something to you ..and you might want to spend some time helping Laura with her banking situation before it becomes a bail-out operation ..and when are you going to deal with the mice living in the kitchen ..aren't you afraid of contacting hantavirus ..? And how long have you been driving with a busted tail light ..and unpaid parking tickets ..unpaid taxes ..aphid attacks ..and what about that pile of discarded electronic devices ..or those unpaid invoices ..?!” My hands are shaking ..adrenaline is leaking into my stomach ..my nerve-endings are frayed .. and I feel like my brain has turned against me ..I inhale deeply ..climb out of bed ..drive down to the shore ..run across the sand ..and dive into the sea. I’m laying on the beach ..waves crashing over me ..when a young bleached blonde helps me to my feet .. and says: “.. isn’t it funny how your thoughts gather ‘round ..and attack you in your sleep.”

Creekside sounds

The music stops .. the deck is quiet ..and I begin to hear the sound of birds ..and the swoosh of traffic on nearby Anapamu street. Words don’t come easy for me ..but I think sounds do. Sometimes, when I re-read my journal ..I hear a rhyme that I didn’t intentionally put there. Makes me think that language was built on sound patterns ..like the beat of African drums ..or the melody of bird songs. Nearby, a dog howls ..and I howl back ..it’s quiet again. I hear the couple arguing across the creek. I know they’re arguing even before I understand what they're saying.

“Where are you going with those (plants) ..?” she yells.
“I don’t know ..I’m just following your directions ..“Dear”.
“Well, how can you do that ..I haven’t made up my mind yet ..!”
“Oh, OK ..sorry (?)”

I get the feeling that she was just tossing out ideas ..and wants him to participate more in the planning process ..whereas he just wants to get the job done and go back to his beer ..so he’d like her remarks to be the last word. But I think there’s more to it than that. I say this because he and I have talked before .. he’s not interested in planting a garden by the creek .. we both agree that it should be kept natural. Like him, though ..I would probably keep my mouth shut too.

Jen'sphere

Sister Jennifer

Demolition man

My laptop went hurtling through space the other day ..then came crashing down on the living room floor ..the result of a high speed chase to the front door ...with my legs still tangled in the power cord. It works OK ..only now the monitor displays all the colors of the rainbow. So, I borrow Karla’s flat screen monitor to use until I get a new laptop ..but it looks so cool, I put it upstairs with my desktop PC instead. ..and the laptop, along with that big old desktop monitor, goes out into the garage .. and I’m sure Karla is sitting here wondering if she’ll ever get to download songs on her iPod ..burn CD’s ..or log on to MySpace again. Since then, my home theater system crashed ..my multi-media PC speakers burned ..and I’m starting to experience withdrawal symptoms from not getting a regular supply of auditory stimulation. I make a frantic run to all the electronic stores ..circuit city .. compUSA ..frys ..and radio shack. I go online to the manufacturer (Hercules) ..then amazon ..eBay ..even someplace called DJsupply. I learn that it makes no sense to try and repair anything ..but, replacing them with something that I think I can hook together seems fraught with confusion and despair ..time is running out ...and I'm beginning to feel hopelessly strung-out. I call my friend Dave, who has a small, store-front consulting service for people building high-end, computer gaming systems ..I never thought I would have to go to this extreme. When I say store ..I mean a bunch of closets crammed full of shiny silver boxes with work orders attached. He tells me to come by ..he may be able to do something for me. After sitting there and patiently listening to me jabber on for like twenty minutes ..he pulls, from out of nowhere, a set of multi-media speakers that sound killer ..next he shows me a notebook PC with high definition monitor ..DVD and CD burners ..built-in wireless networking ..a zillion and a half gigabytes of everything ..Bose speakers ..and while I’m sitting there salivating like Pavlov’s dog ..he says he’ll throw in a 22 inch flat screen monitor by View Sonic ..for Karla ..and I’m thinking, does Karla really have to know about this ..?

Writing behaviour

Birds are fluttering over my head ..I don’t see them but their shadows look like giant bats swooping across the deck ..I look away but now it feels like they’re coming at me from out of the corner of my eye ..so, I deliberately block images from that channel ..only to see them come in on a different one ..yesterday a hawk landed on a nearby tree in Franceschi park ..Karla and Andy were playing in the woods ..I called them but it flew away before they got there ..probably because I was yelling ..after that we walked into a grove of spongy leaves where Andy could pick up some speed .. I can watch him run like that for hours ..reminds me of ..uhhh ..what’s the name of that Greek god ..the one with wings on his feet ..the Flash ..? Anyway, I turn down the volume of those thoughts and return to the writing table in front of me ..a cold wind blows by ..leaves fly ..the candle goes out ..images of Big Sur arrive ..fade ..and pass away ..now I’m in a gap between images ..now I’ve stopped writing altogether ..and I’m wondering why .. I guess my thoughts are not registering very high on the scale of things that interest me .. I remember reading an interview in the paper yesterday with a college instructor ..and I ask myself what’s so interesting about that. He says that an inflated sense of ‘self’ can actually interfere with success in college ..I guess it seems interesting because it sounds so contrary to popular belief ..I mean, isn’t that how you get ahead in this country ..? No, he says .. it’s actually better to believe that there are things out there that you don’t already know ..softens your defenses ..and puts you in a more receptive frame of mind. He says that students come to school so full of themselves ..they don’t have room for anything else ..the ‘buzz’ of self esteem actually blocks whatever the instructor is saying. I think back on my college days ..and I remember learning pretty quickly that ..I did not know shit ..so I figured I better stay tuned ..otherwise, I’m not sure I would have stuck it out .. probably would have bailed right from the start ..but I stumbled along ..come what may ..now, I don’t remember much ..but I have a vague feeling that I can continue stumbling over most obstacles that get in my way .. but I’m still not so confident that I can quit doing things to bolster my esteem. So, I tell myself, when I look back .. I better have some strange stories to write about.