Writing behaviour

Birds are fluttering over my head ..I don’t see them but their shadows look like giant bats swooping across the deck ..I look away but now it feels like they’re coming at me from out of the corner of my eye ..so, I deliberately block images from that channel ..only to see them come in on a different one ..yesterday a hawk landed on a nearby tree in Franceschi park ..Karla and Andy were playing in the woods ..I called them but it flew away before they got there ..probably because I was yelling ..after that we walked into a grove of spongy leaves where Andy could pick up some speed .. I can watch him run like that for hours ..reminds me of ..uhhh ..what’s the name of that Greek god ..the one with wings on his feet ..the Flash ..? Anyway, I turn down the volume of those thoughts and return to the writing table in front of me ..a cold wind blows by ..leaves fly ..the candle goes out ..images of Big Sur arrive ..fade ..and pass away ..now I’m in a gap between images ..now I’ve stopped writing altogether ..and I’m wondering why .. I guess my thoughts are not registering very high on the scale of things that interest me .. I remember reading an interview in the paper yesterday with a college instructor ..and I ask myself what’s so interesting about that. He says that an inflated sense of ‘self’ can actually interfere with success in college ..I guess it seems interesting because it sounds so contrary to popular belief ..I mean, isn’t that how you get ahead in this country ..? No, he says .. it’s actually better to believe that there are things out there that you don’t already know ..softens your defenses ..and puts you in a more receptive frame of mind. He says that students come to school so full of themselves ..they don’t have room for anything else ..the ‘buzz’ of self esteem actually blocks whatever the instructor is saying. I think back on my college days ..and I remember learning pretty quickly that ..I did not know shit ..so I figured I better stay tuned ..otherwise, I’m not sure I would have stuck it out .. probably would have bailed right from the start ..but I stumbled along ..come what may ..now, I don’t remember much ..but I have a vague feeling that I can continue stumbling over most obstacles that get in my way .. but I’m still not so confident that I can quit doing things to bolster my esteem. So, I tell myself, when I look back .. I better have some strange stories to write about.