Aftermath

 

it clings inside / won't wash away / beyond the reach / 

of the light of day / semen-filled eyes / milky vision /

there's no pills for what I'm feeling.

Bungalow girl

I met David at the club after spending half the night with guys who did nothing but talk about themselves or try to impress me with all the money they make. I was feeling nearly spent and hostile and it must've showed. But we got into a soothing conversation sharing horror stories about what it's like looking for anyone authentic in places like this. After 45 minutes I was feeling kinda’ into him. But it sounded like he had an attitude about L.A. women and wasn't into me. So when he offered me his number I got kinda' spooked.  I've never cold-called somebody I met at a bar before. Thinking out loud I must've blurted out something like: “I’m not sure I'll call you …but, I can give you my number.” He got up, said that’s OK and walked away pissed. I sat there with my head resting on the bar imagining how presumptuous that must’ve sounded: “Hey, here’s my number cuz I'm sure you wanna' call me a lot more than I wanna' call you."  OK,  I'm an idiot. I started slamming down a bunch more mojitos ...the bartender eventually called a cab.and when it arrived a bouncer kindly escorted me curbside. I ran into David the other night at another local bar and he said: “Hey, last time I saw you, you were passed-out and security had to haul your ass away." He went on to tell me that it served me right for being such a bitch and sucking all the life out of him. No, wait …what he actually said was: “it serves you right for being such a bitch and bringing other people down like you do.” He asked if it makes me feel better about myself and told me how I must get off absorbing other people's confidence or something. I’m still trying to Google what video game that comes from.    

Ask me anything

Ask me anything (19 December 2014) A most intriguing story. Not exactly the romantic comedy I thought. Although the narration is pretty funny. It follows Katie’s online journal over the course of a year that she takes off between high school and college. It reveals a year of living dangerously: alcohol-fueled promiscuity and high stakes pursuit of older men. It also reveals a sordid childhood trauma that may be fueling it. When Katie behavior gets dangerously close to home-wrecking territory – she mysteriously disappears. Her mother turns to the blog asking for information. She hires an investigator, but that leads nowhere. At first I suspected foul play. But looking back – events don't necessarily add up to foul play. I found reason to believe Katie’s story may not end so tragically. In a scene where she consults with Glenn (the wise old bookstore owner) she's discovers that, at 18 ...she’s still afraid of making decisions on her own – independent of what others might think. Perhaps Katie decided to sign off the blog in dramatic fashion … breaking her dependence on what her followers thought of her. It's like a story within a story where you have to step out of one to get  perspective on the other. I don't know ...it's open to interpretation and Katie's fate is in your hands.

Astrid

"It’s like, from the moment I could understand, I was taught to be afraid. ‘Don’t go out this door …you don't know what's out there’. Like I’ll meet a psychopath or disappear into an abyss or something. Now my partner of five years is giving me the boot and it feels like that door is the only one I can leave by.”

Viena

There are no delusions ...nothing separating Viena from the world-at-large. She presents a near-perfect adaptation to the psycho-social niche she occupies … ‘roadie for a punk rock band’. It’s populated by depraved junkies, fugitive outlaws, pure agave juice and several species of predatory reptiles.

Juno

"I got to the crosswalk and pounded the button until the light changed. My cell phone was buzzing but when I reached for it ...it wasn't there. I patted myself down but couldn’t feel it anywhere. I looked around and saw it laying on the ground. I picked it up, puzzled  ...shrugged ...answered and the song Modern Love by Bowie comes pouring out. I put on earbuds and  smile. I bow in gratitude to the deities of sound."

Zoé

"Anxiety is deceptive. First it focuses attention, and then it clamps the brain into rigidity by obsessively replaying the most terrifying possibilities."    (link)

 Zoé suffers panic attacks. Faced with ordinary situations she freezes-up until she's released to run to the bathroom and hurl. She never knows the right thing to say. Her mother wishes she could be more like her older sister Colleen …a stellar presence in the family. Zoé describes it as: “Torture ...I’ve been miscast as an understudy to ‘Saint Colleen’. I can’t live up to that. I’m the sicko who pukes in the bathroom.” It sounds kind'a like performance anxiety to me. She says: "Whatever ...it sucks all the air outta' me and I can't breathe." She spends most of her waking hours working on an exit strategy. She dreams of  hitting the road in a Ferrari with the top down and disappearing in a rush of air.