Wheel inside a wheel

I’m still upset about my conversation with Jim yesterday. I need some reassurance, so ..I call my friend Marty; a financial planner in Laguna Beach. He sounds really shook. He tells me that he’s having panic attacks and trouble sleeping at night. Three years ago, about the height of the real estate market ..he was afraid the bubble was going to burst ..so he sold his ranch in Trabuco Canyon and moved to a small apartment in town. He put the money he made into the stock market. Now he’s watching his investments evaporate ..and says it feels like he stepped off a cliff ..and he’s still falling. I guess he didn’t see it coming ..but then ..who did. Worst part of it is, he says, his clients call him everyday going: “Marty, I can’t take it anymore ..cash me out.” I tell him to hang-in there ..ride it out (surfing term) ..it can only get better. He says he’s gotta’ go now and put dinner ..or his head ..in the oven. The poor guy feels worse than I do. I conclude that it doesn’t matter which party is in power ..the markets are like a cycle inside a cycle inside a cycle. Government has about as much chance of harnessing that as they do the weather.

Jim

Jim is furious with me. The closer it gets to election day, the more black and white our thinking becomes. He knows I’m independent ..but socially progressive. To him that’s socialism. Then, like a drop of ink in clear water ..everything turns color. Over the phone, he blames the democrats in congress for the financial mess we’re in. Nothing specific comes to mind so I ask him to explain. Annoyed, he shouts: “you know ..social programs like Fannie Mae”. Being from another generation, it seems like they’ve been around forever ..I Google them and find out they were created in the 1960’s ..and I’m thinking Johnson administration, great society and entitlement programs ..maybe he’s right ..but then, no ..that can’t be ..goes back too far. I go: “Jim, that was forty years ago ..property values have been going up ever since ..what happened ?” He goes: “We have a democratic congress again.” I still don’t see the connection ..so I figure it’s my turn to make up some shit: “Tell you what I think, Jim ..it’s the republican administration’s fault ..they made it easier for banks to make risky loans .. by allowing investment firms (like Lehman Bros.) to buy them and re-sell them in the stock market (I figure, kind of like Fannie Mae ..it let’s the banks off the hook). Silence. “Jim, I think there’s plenty of blame to go around ..” More silence. I’ve crossed the line into irredeemable territory. We end the conversation politely ..but he’s not too pleased with me. I think I need to get one of those books by Dale Carnegie.

Predatory behavior

Coming from Orange County ..where beach parking is a nightmare ..I’m always delighted when I can pull off the road anywhere I want ..for free. I walk down the steps to a beach ..located in Oprah County ..as though I’m a local. I’m walking by the water, minding my own business, pleasantly empty-headed ..when I walk into the middle of a frisbee toss. It lands in the water where a tall blond, wearing only a thong, goes: “I’m not playing anymore” ..and walks back to her towel. I wade in to fetch the frisbee ..thinking about the thousands I’ve lost the same way ..when her male partner gets right in my face going: “I know you ..didn’t you use to hang out at Rocks ?” (a bar on State street). I’m like, no ..you must be thinking of someone else ..and figure that’s it. He doesn’t budge . He proceeds to tell me the names of all the other bars he goes to ..and all the property he owns ..how much money he wins in Vegas ..how they comp his airfare, hotel rooms and hookers ..how he schmoozes the blackjack dealers ..and always leaves there several thousand dollars richer. Then asks me how I would like to join him sometime. I tell him about the time I lost forty grand in Tahoe and swore off gambling. He tells me Vegas is a different story ..and changes the subject. Meanwhile, he’s still in my face ..and standing so close that we bump into each other every time our weight shifts in the sand. I don’t mind ..he’s pleasant enough and has good hygiene, but ..I can’t figure out what all the self-promotion is about. Now he’s talking about his efforts to save the ocean ..and I ask him if he’s an attorney (a conversation killer) ..and he’s like, no ..just someone who knows the right moves ..like when he’s in Vegas ..and blah blah blah. Then he asks if I’d like to join him up on the beach right now ..and gestures toward a group of babes. I chuckle and say that I’d love to, but ..I gotta go. He tells me to stop by next time ..they’ll be there. I say OK ..and ask his name. Steve Harmon. I’m walking away wondering where I heard that name before. I take a swim ..and sit on the sand to watch the sunset. Then one of Steve’s girls comes over and says she’s sure she knows me from somewhere ..and I say I don’t think so, because I’d definitely remember her. She goes: “Don’t you live in Hope Ranch ?” No, I reply ..must be someone else you’re thinking of. Now I’m sure this isn’t just friendly conversation. I told Steve I’m not a local ..but wasn’t more specific .. and now I just ruled out the second wealthiest place around. I politely tell her that I have to go .. and walk up the steps .. go over to my car ..when, boom ..it hits me. I remember where I heard his name. He was a high-rolling venture capitalist in Silicon Valley ..who took a well-publicized beating during the dot-com bust of 2001. So, now I’m thinking ..the stock market isn’t looking so hot ..he probably wants to see if I’m someone who could help bankroll his next gambling expedition. Suspicious soul that I am.

indian summer

I run into Barb and Chris today, swimming back into shore ..while I'm swimming out to sea. They ask me where my fins are ..and I tell them in the trunk of my car ..I didn’t think the waves looked big enough. They tell me I’m not going to get very far without them. That’s OK, I tell myself ~ I’m content to just float around here out anyway ~ looking up at the sky and letting the swells roll by. On shore there’s a dude, in a beer-fueled frenzy, throwing rocks, the size of bowling balls, into a pattern that looks like the shape of a skull. Father down, the signs of yesterday’s dredging operation have disappeared. I’m not even sure where it was anymore. They were trying to free a sailboat that’d gotten washed up and buried in the sand. There was a great big trench about 40 feet in diameter, and 8 feet deep. The tide must’ve come in and sealed it over. I feel even more disoriented when that huge old seal-rock that I’m looking for is gone ~ until I realize it was never there ..it’s in Laguna Beach. I make note of this as just another instance of my mind playing tricks on me ~ transposing something from the past into my notion of what should be in the present.

indian summer

The offshore breeze is warm ..but the water is so cold it gives me brain-freeze. From the shore I can see a pod of dolphins ..if I were out there still; they’d be bumping into me. I can hear water shooting out of their blowholes whenever they come to the surface. Barb says they must be feeding ..I say I think they’re playing ..Chris says they’re probably playing and feeding ..what a diplomat. I ask them if they swam out to the shipping lanes again today. They laugh and tell me ‘whatever it takes to reach a sustained 'cardio-rate’. They’re a couple restauranteurs I know from town ..out here between the lunch and dinner crowd. I admire them. They’re both a little bit older, but hell of a lot better swimmers than me.

offshore condition

The offshore wind is so cold today, it cuts my flesh, lungs and nerves. The air is so thin it makes me feel heavy. I take a short hike ~ and my body rebels. I feel resistance in my legs and hear voices screaming. I shout back, telling them to get used to it and go with the flow. We pass the place where the condos are going to go ~ and I’m thinking about what I’m going to say at the planning commission next Tuesday. No Way! They’re totally out of character with the area. Furthermore, they’re on the way to the County Bowl. where I envision more cars ~ more quarrels ~ more walls ~ more cops. Now, don’t get me wrong ~ I’m not against change ~ or progress ~ or the wind for that matter ~ as long as it goes in the direction I want it to go. Otherwise, I rebel and blow off a head of steam. Sometimes it works ~ sometimes it doesn’t. When it doesn’t, I know it’s time to quit ~ I hear someone shouting back, telling me to get used to it and go with the flow.

I heard another metaphor today. My neighbor Don says that the recent plunge in the stock market reminds him of wiping out at the Wedge in Newport Beach “It’s like you’re three feet under water ~ you can see the sky and the sun ~ but you can’t seem to get there.”

another place to fall

indian summer

A flock of pelicans hover, then tuck their wings and dive-bomb for fish. I sit amazed and cheer, wondering if they use sonar, feature detectors ..or telepathy as I was once told. In any case they’re as close to prehistoric times as you can get. Robert takes a running start and skims across the surface on his board ~ he kicks-off a wave and goes into an aerial spin ~ landing in time to catch the wave back to shore. He does this between classes. In the distance, I see people paddling out on stand-up surfboards called Ku Hoe He'e Nalu ..meanwhile I’m riding shorebreak and getting friction burns from the sand ..Robert laughs. The sky is a brilliant shade of royal blue ..a quarter moon smiles through ~ palm trees pierce the view ~ then Ka-boom ~ another wave crashes ~ water rushes around my feet ~ Robert skims ~ and a new cycle begins.

indian summer

Today is the first day of summer in Santa Barbara. Autumn is when the offshore wind comes and blows the marine-layer away ..turning the beaches crystal clear! I roll back the ragtop, throw in some Churchills and careen through town ..everything is blurry. I round the bend from Olive Mill to Channel Drive ..and everything is clear. I’m so white I shine like porcelain. I pour on sunscreen, spf 1001, do some deep breathing exercises ..and hurl my body into the water. It's refreshing but not too cold. There are some decent swells, so I get past the impact zone ..and ride a few in. Sitting on the shore I feel like I'm like looking at a poster by Rick Griffin ..which is as of deep as I want to go on this fine day.[Link]

nothing

I practice meditation ~ some people tell me that I’m wasting my time ~ what good is sitting doing nothing ~ I’m no expert and I have no answers ~ in fact, sometimes I have my own doubts and stop practicing ~ writing it down is a way of explaining it to myself ~ if reading someone else’s explanation about doing nothing sounds like a waste of time ~ feel free to move on ~ who can blame you. Nothingness is a necessary state for something to happen ~ Buddha said something like this over 2,500 years ago ~ lately, practitioners in the field of neuroscience have been re-discovering the teachings of Buddha ~ I find this strangely reassuring. At the earliest stage of experiencing something ~ nothing is happening. Between each event arriving at the senses ~ the lenses are wiped clean ~ even a simple nerve cell has to return to a neutral state before it can receive and transmit a clear signal to the brain. Buddha taught that the mind and body are in a state of perpetual renewal ~ and that meditation is simply a period of doing nothing to interfere ~ just sitting and watching instances of thought and feeling appear and disappear ~ without judging or criticizing them as they go ~ I find that sitting still and doing nothing is just about the hardest thing in the world to do.

zen practice

Nobody takes turns talking in my head ~ everyone keeps shouting at the same time ~ it doesn’t matter though, no one is really listening ~ sometimes, during practice, I catch a riff ~ today it went like this:

Hey, I practiced a little longer today ~ Yeah, well .. if you keep practicing out here the neighbors are going to think we’re nuts ~ I don’t care, I like being outdoors, besides ..I stopped feeling like I was living in a fishbowl a long time ago ~ Oh yeah ..then what made you bring it up? ~ Just an observation ~ No it wasn’t ..you were obsessing ~ OK, I was observing myself obsessing ~ A lot of good that’ll do ~ Actually, non-judgmental observation is an excellent way to practice ~ Who told you that? ~ Jisho Perry ~ Sounds like an excellent way to practice rationalizations if you ask me ~ That’s because you don’t practice enough ~ Hey, there is no such thing as ‘too much’ or ‘too little’ ..it’s just practice, remember? ~ Where’d you get that idea? ~ Jisho Perry ~ Do you believe everything he tells you ?~ No ~ Yes you do ~ No I don't ~ and so it goes ~ No wonder I don’t do this more often.

Animal poo

For the past couple weeks I’ve been walking up a road that leads to a canyon behind me. A fine yellow powder covers the road and makes me wonder ~ I look up at the oak trees ~ but they are not like eucalyptus trees that leave pollen all over my deck. Oak trees don’t shed like that. I ran into Bob today, a retired dentist who lives across the way. I like to call him ‘Dr Jones’ the way they do in the Indiana Jones’ movies. Anyway, the oak trees belong to him and he tells me there’s an ‘oak caterpillar’ eating the leaves ~ he points out a couple of trees that I hadn’t noticed ~ they’re almost bare. It turns out that the yellow powder I’d been wondering about is the excrement from this leaf-eating activity ~ and I’m like euwwww. The nearest cross-street is called Anapamu ~ which I jokingly pronounce ‘animal poo’ to friends of mine from out of town. I guess I’m not joking anymore.

Slip stream

There’s a stream running through my head. I sit and watch it go by ~ one flashing instance after another. When I try to push it ~ or tweak it ~ I disperse it. Now I’ve got several streams running through my head. I see images of my father holding me on his knee ~ zen master Jisho walks by but can’t stay for tea ~ my neighbor Don appears telling me it’s going to be a good day. I see images of Big Sur smoldering and feel anxious about going. Now I’m trying to peak at instances that haven’t arrived yet. Jisho's voice gently tells me I’m leaning too far ~ but it’s too late ~ I’m tumbling head over heels ~ hoping to land in instances closer to home. Doctor Jones tells me to get a grip ~ I'm having an out-of-sequence experience ~ I see the warning signs ~ curva peligrosa ~ I swerve to avoid them and sirens wail ~ a police car roars by like a freight train. I drive along the shoulder until I come to an off-ramp and disappear down the side streets.

Smart people

Video exchange ~ that’s the deal ~ for one fee I get to see as many videos as I want ~ but not at the same time ~ I have to give one back before I can take the next. So, tonight I’m all psyched to see the third season of ‘weeds’ ~ I make sure to put the old video ‘smart people’ in the car before I leave. I arrive at Blockbuster and go directly to the aisle I want ~ the videos are a little mixed up so I shuffle them around until I find the one I’m looking for ~ disk three. I go up to the counter and realize I don’t have ‘smart people’ ~ must’ve left it in the car ~ so I put down weeds ~ go outside and proceed to tear the car apart ~ no luck ~ I must’ve left it at home. I finish shopping then go home and tear the house apart ~ twice ~ and give it up for lost, figuring, this time ~ before I see weeds ~ I’ll have to pay full price for the other video. I take my credit card, go back to Blockbuster, pick up a copy of weeds, and my copy of smart people is sitting right behind it.

Wine country

Water from the Pacific Ocean hits the coast and vaporizes ~ the vapor gets sucked up by thermal drafts and separates into molecules ~ the water molecules get carried away by the jet stream and turn into clouds that rain over the vineyards of California ~ the rain water gets sucked into grapes and the grapes are turned into wine ~ the wine is consumed by people on the coast who dutifully return it to the Pacific Ocean where it crashes into warm coastal air and vaporizes again ~ so, I think what I’m trying to say is ~ the next bottle of wine you drink may have originated in your own backyard.

Letter to the editor

The Los Angeles Times printed my letter today. It's a response to an article written by economist Dan Ariely, titled ‘Deconstructing confidence’ [link].

Letter:  Dr. Ariely, If exposure to uncontrollable events leads to helplessness ..I’m not sure government regulation is the proper antidote. It seems like this would reduce our sense of control even further. I agree that we’ve experienced an alarming sequence of disasters over the last decade. But, I also believe it’s the experience of overcoming events like these that bolsters confidence ..not relying on ‘government planners’ to circumnavigate them for us. Besides, no one is ever going to eliminate unpredictable events and setbacks. The best we can do is prepare for them by fostering a sense of resilience. That seems like a far better antidote to feelings of helplessness than government regulation.

Deconstructing

Another newspaper article caught my attention [link]. Dr. Ariely, a noted economist, cites a landmark study in behavioral science to support his call for more government regulation. While I’m neither for nor against regulation ~ he chose to misinterpret a study I’m familiar with ~ and I need something to write about ~ so bear with me ~ there's a point here somewhere. In 1965, researchers discovered that lab animals, who experience a sequence of uncontrollable events, do not learn future tasks as well as their peers with no such experience. They called this condition ‘learned helplessness’. So now, according to Dr. Ariely, learned helplessness is the reason why Americans are not responding realistically to current economic conditions. Over the last decade, we’ve experienced too many uncontrollable shocks ..things like the Internet crash and the housing collapse. What we need now are more ‘government planners’ to circumvent these things for us. I don’t know, for some reason this doesn’t sound like the proper antidote ~ and ~ pay attention ~ because here's where Dr. Ariely parts ways with the scientific community: the investigators originally working on learned helplessness, discovered that it mimics depression ..and began looking for ways to alleviate it. They found that it takes only a few successes, in situations that people previously considered insurmountable, to restore confidence ..and foster a sense of resilience to future setbacks. Since I don’t think we’re going to eliminate setbacks anytime soon, resilience seems like a far better antidote to feelings of helplessness than government regulation.

Through the looking glass

I wake up to the fragrance of incense, baked cookies and ganja drifting through my bedroom window ~ I throw on some overalls, splash water on my face, pop a couple chewable vitamin C and go investigate ~ my neighbor is playing a wooden flute while a member of his band gently strums a guitar. I'm reminded of meditation time at the Ashram ~ with a twist ~ without words I sit and listen ~ feeling hypnotized ~ Anahstasia passes me a bowl ~ I breathe in deeply and close my eyes ~ a note is struck on a cymbal and the music moves in another direction ~ I follow ~ letting go of my plans for the day ~ I sit and watch them fade away ~ the cymbal rings again and the music moves in a different direction ~ then suddenly ~ flash ~ We’re walking through the redwood trees on cold springs trail ~ I feel like I passed through the looking-glass ~ and popped out here ~ good thing I slipped on a pair of Merrells this morning ~ I try to mention this but my lips are numb and my tongue is heavy ~ I hear their children laughing from the tree limbs above ~ and I’m reminded of the elves of Lothlorien ~ the stewards of the forest appear ahead ~ smiling and welcoming us to join them in a drum circle ~ I bow in greeting and find a place to sit ~ hoping this isn’t a test or something because I don’t know anything ~ and there wasn't time to study.

Reading minds

I ran across an article in today’s paper that caught my attention. It says that army scientists are looking for a way to capture human thought ~ using brain waves ~ in order to help soldiers returning from Iraq with head injuries. Since I somehow consider it my life’s work to debunk overreaching statements like these ~ I thought to myself ~ I know brain waves are good at tracking levels of attention ~ and biofeedback is used to help people with ADD. However, I can find no evidence to suggest that brain waves somehow represent the vicissitudes of human thought. This project has no merit. The only reason the military would consider such a possibility is in search of a better method of mind-control ..which is precisely what they were after, without success, when they conducted unorthodox experiments using LSD back in the sixties. They’re obviously not doing this in the interest of science ..so I certainly can’t believe they’re doing it for the benefit of soldiers returning from Iraq.

Observation deck

The bubbles on the surface of my morning coffee are reflecting different colors ~ I move in for a closer look ~ fine little twinkling stars of violet and green ~ how come I never noticed them before ~ I think back to last night but there’s nothing there to suggest why things would look out of the ordinary today. Perhaps I’m getting a contact high from the smoke drifting by ..and I remember that Cezar is back from Texas. He played Oz fest ..says he’s second only to Ozzy Osbourne in the number of festivals played ~ I congratulated him on that accomplishment, but now I’m wondering if it only means that he’s, like ..the second oldest metal-head there.

The coffee tastes the same ..

Ron comes over and sits down ~ I ask him where he’s been for the last couple weeks. Bisbee Arizona ~ opening another branch of his new-age spiritual center. I’m like ~ Ron, are you out of your mind ..? Those are like traditional God-fearing Christians down there ..with military weapons. I know Lee, we’re really only expecting a small handful of people ..That’s not my point Ron ~ I’m talking about right-wing paramilitary groups who take turns guarding the border ..they’re going to mistake you for a foreign infiltrator and vaporize you. Now Ron is looking at me like I’m the one who’s missing the point. He goes ~ Nah, Bisbee is like the new Santa Fe ..lots of art galleries and antique stores ..stuff like that. And I’m like ~ Uh huh, well ..don’t try spreading the word too far from town ..seriously .. don’t make me come down there looking for you. These are dangerous times for paranoiacs like me.

Drawing by Nicolas ~ age 15

China cat

Rio Bravo

The war on drugs is claiming more lives than the war in Iraq. In the last eighteen months, 4,000 people have been killed across the US-Mexican border .. I’m talking innocent men, women and children .. many of them shot dead with US supplied weapons. There are so many gun shipments headed that way; they’ve begun calling the Rio Grande the Iron River. It’s enough to supply an army ..and balance the trade deficit. In my opinion, drug traffickers have the upper hand .. they follow the laws of nature and principles of economics ..which trump the laws of US legislators every time. High priced intoxicants head north while high-powered weapons move south to ensure the supply chain. US Border States are wide open for gunrunners. We build toll bridges, fences, guard towers ..patrol them with thousand and thousands of border guards .. yet we've accomplished little to stop another force of nature ..human migration. It’s like trying to package water. So, I guess this means we’ll kill 4,000 more people next year in another senseless war.

State of mind

Re: Suspect’s state of mind

LATimes ~ Anyone who tells you they are suffering from ‘paranoid delusions’ is probably not. It shows a degree of lucidity not commonly found among sufferers. However, it is the type of fabrication commonly used by sociopaths ~ someone pursuing profits without concern for the harm they’re doing others. Bruce Ivins clearly had a financial interest in the hoax he was perpetrating ..and a sociopath’s disregard for the consequences. I believe his erratic behavior was engineered ..perhaps as a pretext in the event he was caught.

A letter to the LATimes

Lord Bacchus

My neighbor Dez has a big Doberman, with a bad temper and ferocious bark, in his back yard. His name is Lord Bacchus and they don't like it when I refer to him as just Bach. I forget the reason why so I looked it up just now to see if I could find out. Turns out that Lord Bacchus is another name for Dionysus ..the God of wine and ritual madness. So now I'm grateful to them for keeping me from offending the deities of revelry. Lord Bacchus ..the dog ..has a nasty habit of barking at anyone who passes by ..friend or stranger ..he doesn’t discriminate. The other neighbors are pissed because he can't seem to get it through his thick skull that we live here too .. barking at us doesn't do any good. I think that’s precisely the reason Lord Bacchus keeps barking ..it doesn’t do any good .. and it really pisses him off that, as hard as he tries .. we keep coming back. We don’t learn. So now I’m afraid he’s going to escalate ..going from threatening bark to gnashing teeth.

Observation deck

Did ADD start with tree shrews or humans ..? Do intoxicants play a role in maintaining the ecosystem or are there giant squid lurking beneath the surface ..? I wonder if I’m sufficiently hydrated or having absorption problems. Am I forgetting something ..? Oh, yeah ..I wonder if fence-sitters are the same as flip-floppers. I hear sirens ~ no, those are my ears ringing. What brings some thoughts to mind and buries the rest ..? What’s with all the annoying questions ~ and so few declarative statements ..? Could be self-doubt ~ or the process of analytical-thought. I don’t know which. Where am I going with this ..? I have no idea. Oh shit, I also don’t have time to chat with my neighbor right now ~ but it’s pretty obvious I have nothing else to do ~ better think of something fast ~ nothing comes to mind ~ except maintain eye contact and smile a lot ~ but not too much otherwise he'll think I’ve lost my mind ~ oh, and don’t forget to nod at the appropriate times.

Photo of a tree shrew ~ the first mammal to be able to focus attention ~ and shift attention ~ with equal ease. I admire these little creatures.