I sleep through morning workshop ..and breakfast too. I stop by the kitchen and prepare a bowl of yogurt and granola ~ I’m sitting in the lodge, writing, when I suddenly feel overcome with fear ..it’s almost noon and the workshop members will be arriving soon. Afraid that they’ll think I’m a slacker ..I get up to leave ..but it’s too late, they’re already here and the instructor is bearing down on me like a hawk ~ I panic ..scramble for an excuse ..and blurt out something like “I’m still adjusting to Esalen time” ..immediately realizing what a bullshit statement that was. When the adrenaline fades ..I see him more clearly (first principle) ~ he’s just walking by ~ smiling from ear to ear ~ gently saying “Good morning Lee” ~ and it occurs to me that he wasn’t looking for an explanation at all ..but I was too busy looking for one to see that.
Workshop: During a mediation period this afternoon, the workshop members complain about loud voices coming from the garden outside ~ James (our workshop instructor) suggests we try shifting our perspective ..and see if we can perceive their voices as ‘raw sound waves’ instead of immediately ‘parsing’ them into words ~ and I’m thinking; yeah, right ..I’m so delusional, I immediately hear voices even when they are just ‘sound waves’. James momentarily places his hand on my leg as I’m about to interrupt ..somehow, he senses that I’m preparing to speak ..I wonder if he also knows what I’m going to say ..(?) He goes on to tell us that ‘anticipation’ is ‘mentally toppling over’ ~ I wonder what that means ~ he says that it means I lose my footing in the present moment (and break principle number two) by leaning over too far .. reaching for a moment that hasn’t arrived yet. OK ..(?) and I think ..my senses deceive me and my mind plays tricks on me.
3 comments:
I understand his point about anticipation, but at the same time, do you think that possibly when you sometimes (just sometimes even) reach for that moment that hasn't arrived maybe it's a way of trying instinctively to prepare yourself for something that you may intuitively know is going to happen? Whether this knowing occurs in a transcendental (for lack of a better word) way or it's just because our lives (or just for some people I guess) often seem to follow patterns of some sort or another. And I don't just mean patterns in a habit sense. I mean ending up in entirely different but completely similar situations by totally different means and you anticipate (and commence to trying to prepare for) the outcome by recognizing the pattern. Which I suppose some people would look at as a habit...but it's larger than that I think...it's more like your karma...something that requires that preparedness...or more appropriately, that knowing I guess...know what I mean? Sorry for the long winded response. I probably have no idea what I'm talking about.
Cookie ~ what an interesting response ~ I know what mean ~ there’s something always pushing me forward ~ into the ‘unknown’ ~ with a feeling of readiness ~ and an intuitive sense of what’s coming.
It’s only during meditation practice that he suggests letting go of anticipation ~ and being so present minded ~ it doesn’t always work outside the meditation hall ~ it that makes any sense.
..you express yourself wonderfully
I'm so glad somebody else gets this :D thank you
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