Esalen (day four)

Last night was the first session of a weeklong 'writing' workshop titled ‘Felt Sense’ ~ which is appropriate because, when I write, it usually feels like I’m making no sense ~ anyway, I didn’t buy the book ~ or even look at the notes ~ so I have no idea what’s going to happen ~ we go around the room introducing ourselves ~ I rack my puny brain to think of something pertinent ~ and when it’s my turn to talk, all I come up with is: “hi, my name is Lee ~ I’m a wannabe writer ~ and a master of disguises ~ I’m here because I want to be a more genuine writer ~ and get there without stumbling and looking like a fool” I think the ‘fool’ part caught people’s attention because this morning, over breakfast, some of the members felt inclined to tell me what they think ~ Ronald says it doesn’t look like I have much ‘structure’ in my life ~ and I go “you must have watched me pack” ~ then I become aware that everyone is decked out in the latest fall fashions ~ whereas I look like the gardener ~ next, James tells me I remind him of Bob ‘bobcat’ Goldthwait, the comedian ~ I laugh and say thank you ~ and become instantly self-conscious about my hair ~ he goes on to say that he knows Goldthwait ~ even been backstage with him ~ and guess what ~ he acts exactly the same way as he does on stage ~ I had no idea I looked so scary.

Workshop: I tend to beat myself up more when I write than when I meditate ~ so this workshop is going to be tough ~ especially considering what a rough crowd I’m here with ~ this morning I struggle trying to narrow down a topic ~ it feels like Chinese firecrackers going off in my head ~ one thought leads to another ~ but then, just when I find something inspiring ~ nothing comes out ~ it feels like I’m being strangled by the editorial board ~ and I think ~ what a long week this is gonna be.