Feeling my breath ..is it too shallow ? Breathing deeper ..filling my belly ..lifting my chest ..holding it ..then letting go ..releasing the grip I have on my thoughts and expressions. I feel my breath rise and fall again ..I try loosening my jaw ..maybe that will help the words come out more easily. Birds singing ..train whistling ..bringing me back to my senses ..the music inside fades ..making room for the next tune. Thoughts and images come and go ..the gym yesterday ..what I'm planning to do tomorrow ..in between there is a feeling of sadness. Where does that come from ? A bunch of possibilities present themselves for consideration. Fear of loneliness ..fear of living unfulfilled ..fear of getting involved ..then disappointing someone else. I tell myself to be comfortable with myself. There's no angel coming to release me from the karma I'm in ..just more numbness from the barriers that I keep around me. Visions of my mother sitting alone ..content and smiling. There weren't too many moments like that. A lot more trauma. Had numb relief taken over ? Thinking about it brings tears to my eyes ..and I ask myself ..am I doomed to re-enact it ?
2 comments:
I know that fear... I hope you have escaped it, at last... all those fears... I still have them... you mentioned fear of living unfulfilled... and think it is the unfulfilled-ness? that causes the fear... nothing solid to fall on... nothing soft, either, to catch the fall... just an eternal abyss always teasing, maliciously. Yikes, it's scary.
Whooahh ..you went deep into my blog. Somewhere around the beginning I think.
Proprioceptive writing is a way of overcoming obstacles to writing .. as well as taking me inside my soul ..a lot of stuff comes up that I’m ordinarily not aware of. There’s always sadness there .. I’m learning to live with it.
The link to your left titled ‘workshop’ is the website for this type of writing. I find it extremely useful.
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