There’s a desert sky overhead ..which combines with the ocean air and makes me feel like I’m living in the tropics. Don’t get me wrong ..it doesn’t bother me, I actually enjoy tropical weather ..but lately I’ve been having trouble sleeping. Sometimes I wait until four in the morning, when it cools off, before trying ..but weather is not the only reason. I’m afraid of being attacked by the demons that bombard me in the night when I go to bed. These aren’t ghosts from the nether world ..they are my own personal fears and anxieties ..things that I haven’t learned to cope with yet ..which just bolsters my fear that I probably never will. It seems that the best I can do is anesthetize them and cover them up. So now they’re buried somewhere in my psyche waiting to come out and haunt me at night They run from petty annoyances to major stress. I’m afraid of not getting back on my feet and working at something meaningful again (!) ..and I’m afraid that I’ll never get around to decorating the house ..or finishing the laundry (?) I’m afraid I won’t even be able to keep up with the repairs ..which really tweaks my sense of self-sufficiency. Then there are the phantoms that tell me I’ll never kick my bad habits ..or make it to the gym ..or recover my interest in reading .. but you know, books contain disturbing ideas ..ones’ that I’m trying to forget ..tales of trauma and tragedy ..my thoughts become intolerable ..making me get out of bed and pace the floor at night ..I can’t seem to stop thinking about them ..or put them to rest.
4 comments:
theres a little pill called ativan. Most people use it during the day. i find days a cakewalk. but the impending doom of the for the old and the restless is another matter.
impending doom of the night. must be that ativan. :+)
I think what you are describing comes BEFORE transformation...why would we change if everything is going so smoothly...and why would we appreciate it when it does..(or appreciate our own growth...)at least...this happens to me. Try wrapping yourself in white light before you try to sleep. Just visualize a white sheet of light coming form the use the palm sof your hands and visualize the light surrounding you, protecting you, nourishing you.
hmmm ..chemical messages and visual messages ..i shall listen to both
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