Online mirror

I’m sitting watching a flickering candle and wondering if I’m following the process. What process ..? The process I learned in a writing workshop I once took. Actually, I already know that I’m not. I say this because I’m not starting from the present moment, but from a place I remember yesterday, and the day before. Anyway, I want to say that I’m moving forward with a topic in mind ..but no clear idea of where it will lead. I have found that putting my journal online has been revealing. It’s put a mirror to my face and shown me what a pompous ass I am. Perhaps I’m not always so, but my writing often sounds pretentious and boastful. What do I mean boastful ..? Like I’ve got something to prove. What am I trying to prove ..? That I haven’t been slack ..I learned my lesson ..I can write from a so-called west coast literary tradition with the best of them ..whatever that means. Sort of stream of consciousness, I suppose. But that’s not how it sounds. It sounds crafted and arrogant. I want to say it sounds like I write from my head too much, but that’s not quite right. I write from the heart as well, but mostly with feelings of concern over how it’s going to sound to other people. Will it be entertaining enough, or engaging enough. But more importantly, does it fit the image I want others to have of myself. What image ..? That I’m smart and lead a fulfilling and eventful life. How embarrassing is that ..and downright vain. I may not be fully conscious of these feelings while I’m writing, but I get a sense of them now, while I’m reading. It sounds like I’m trying awfully hard to impress someone. I have no pretensions of being a good writer ..but at least an honest one, but these don’t even sound honest to me. Instead, I feel like my writing-practice becomes an exercise in impression-formation once I start thinking about putting it online.