LaLonnie

LaLonnie likes to call me a snake oil salesman. He tells me that psychology is nothing more than a pseudo-science. I agree with him, a lot of claims don’t have much merit ..but then, I like to point out that there are many that do. He just looks at me with disdain and dismisses me as a ‘flat-lander’. I can only guess what that means. This time I took it as my cue to duck out ..I had no interest in sticking around to watch his slide show at Dennis’. Dennis invited me over earlier going: “hey man, you gotta’ come see this.”

Weeks go by then, out of the blue, I get a call from the psychiatric unit of Long Beach Memorial. LaLonnie is asking for me. They tell me he’s sedated (1,200 mg of Thorazine) and I can come visit him now. I’m shocked. I had no idea. I look back for signs but I really don't know him well. I tell the nurse I had no idea ..and that I’m not his therapist. She says that’s OK, he’s already seen a therapist ..he’s asking for a friend. I tell her I think he’s asking for someone else, and I’m about to give her Dennis’ number, when she says no, he specifically asked for me. I call Dennis anyway, saying: “hey man, you gotta’ come see this.”

LaLonnie is sitting in his room, definitely sedated. I go “Hey LaLonnie, what brings you here?” His speech is measured but slurred. He tells me a police car brought him here. “OK, what were you doing when the police car brought you here?” “The first time?” he asks. “Yeah, the first time.” “S-s-standing in front of my house, givin’ way books.” “You mean the police came because you were giving away books?” “Nooo, of course not ..that wouldn’t make sense, would it?” “OK, why did the police come?” He thinks about it for a minute and says: “Oh, the neighbors called ’em cuz’ of a disturrbance.” It turns out, he was shouting at anyone who took a book, as well as anyone who didn’t take a book ..either way ..they were idiots. “So, what did the police do?” “They told me to s-stop sh-sh-shouting and go back inside the house.” “OK, what were you doing the next time the police arrived ?” “Throwin’ money out in the s-s-streeet.” “I see, was it your money?” (No, it was his aunt’s money, he’s in charge of her estate). “What did they do this time?” “they told me I better get back inside the house and s-s-stop throwin’ money in’ the streeet, and ..hey, I already explain’d alla’dissh to m-my attoorney, why’m’ I talking about it again? N-n-not to talk ’bout this with anybody.” “OK, so ..tell me what you were doing the next time the police arrived?” “Pulling f-f-furniture out on the lawn.” This time his neighbors stopped by to ask if he was having a yard sale. He told them no, it was perfectly good furniture .. he was taking it out of the house to protect it. Protect it from what, they asked. “A fire” he said. What fire, they asked. “The fire I’m going to light to burn the house down.” I'm like ..WTF LaLonnie (!?) He goes: “Oh m-m-man, I told ’em I was gonna’ build it back up again, only this time with b-b-better mat’rials, like t-t-titanium and p-pre-stressed concreete ..that way it will last hundr’ds of thous’nds of years, instead of just two or three d-d-decades.

He’s tired and it turns out the real reason he called was to get someone to fetch his address book. Dennis and I go. The house (which also belongs to his aunt) looks normal from the outside ..but it looks like squalor on the inside. There are piles of dishes, caked with hardened food, everywhere. Dennis goes looking for the address book while I poke around. The other rooms look about the same. Back at the hospital, Dennis asks about things at home. LaLonnie explains he’s working on it. He joined a dating service to help him find a girl who, as he put it “..will feel so honored to sleep with me that she’ll have the place cleaned up in no time.” “That’s pretty slick” says Dennis “I don’t believe a woman's ever felt that honored by me before ..how do you do it?” “First I d-dazzle ’em with brilliance, then I crussh ’em with a chunk of s-silence.” As we’re leaving, I say to Dennis: “I think it's ironic, the poor guy has just been hit by an awfully big chunk of pseudo-science .”