Lab rat

It’s been awhile since I worked in a laboratory setting. Although I can’t say I miss it much ..I still have insatiable curiosity and powerful exploratory instincts. So now I’m using myself as a lab specimen ..and performing a periodic ‘content analysis’ of the commentary inside my head ..the one that interprets events in my life and tells me how badly I’ve screwed them up. Preliminary results show an accelerating trend toward critical self-loathing ..fear-mongering ..and reckless catastrophe theories ..in other words, it doesn't sound pretty. It uses a lot of profanity ..constantly mis-labels things ..and delivers mostly bad news ..multiplying the smallest matter ..for example, I miss a couple of payments ..and all I hear is how badly I screwed my credit ..how I’m never going to get a loan again ..so I’m personally screwed for the rest of my life ..forget about ever attracting babes ..because they’re going to foreclose on me ..and I can kiss the California dream good bye ..not to mention what a fucking dumbass I am ..and that I’d probably be better off drowning myself in the bathtub. I open the envelope and discover that my crime was forgetting to pay the grocery bill. Tentative conclusion: (we always had to make up one of these) Interpretation and commentary happen so fast .. I don’t stand a chance of catching a glimpse of the way things really are ..which makes worrying about them a big waste of my imagination..