Vigil

Sometimes the biggest component of pain is fear

Day sixteen: It rained last night. I get up at 6 am and play in the mud with Andy. Tug of war with a dog who has jaws of steel. I put my play-clothes in a plastic bag and shower. Vanessa needs to be at work on time so she drops me off at OHSU and I bring Laura coffecito and a banana. I’m waiting for the results of the morning’s CT scan to determine whether she’s OK to leave ICU ..meaning no more drain ..no more surgeries and no artificial shunt. At noon Dr. Hardaway arrives and announces the CT scan was normal. She’s draining on her own. No further intervention required. She feels so confident Laura will be leaving ICU that she removes the existing drain from her head right there in the room. It’s a fiber-thin catheter. Laura doesn’t flinch ..yet. It’s not until she’s stitching her scalp that Laura winces ..tries to jerk her head away and cries “Noooo. You can’t do that!” I get the feeling her reaction has more to do with 2-weeks under orders not to touch it. Like it’s a vulnerable site not to be messed with. She may not realize it’s her brain surgeon doing the messing. Sometimes the biggest component of pain is fear. She will be released from ICU just as soon as they can find her another room. I assist Laura with some physical therapy exercises to stretch and loosen her muscles. She’s compliant and surprisingly limber. She looks up at the ceiling and goes “I have a lot of work to do.” Afterward she says something in rapid Spanish ..looks at me and switches to English “I couldn’t respond when I was tired” referring, I believe, to the questions everyone’s been putting to her over the last two weeks. Almost like she’s apologizing for her unresponsiveness. I smile and say “of course not” ..delighted she has the presence of mind to remember her prior state of mind while drifting in and out of fever. I take it as another good sign. We spend the next hour and a half looking at pictures of remodeled homes. When she drops off to sleep I go and keep a promise I’d made to myself when I first arrived and take the gondola from the mountainside hospital to the Willamette River below ..feeling buoyed by news of Laura’s recovery. Momentary disorientation when I reach bottom thinking I’m in town only to find I haven’t left the university. I sit and have juice in the Wellness Center. Feeling ecstatic.