Killer zen

Trying to resume meditation practice can sometimes be as difficult as running a 10k after several months off. My thoughts bother me as much as shin splints. At first, I pester myself with questions like, “what the fuck am I doing?” and “am I doing, whatever the fuck it is ..right?” Then I start ordering myself to get it right and make sure I’m making the most of my time. Now I’m going back to a time when I thought I was doing it right. Now I’m lost in thought over the 1,001 things I could be doing better. Now I’m telling myself to get over it .. this is not what mediation is about. Now I feel the constraints of my opinions bearing down on me ..now I feel the constraints of other people’s opinions bearing down on me, which turn out to be my own opinions disguised as other people’s opinions. I tell myself to take responsibility for them otherwise I lose the ‘center’ and my mind becomes scattered, which is something I learned about in a psychology class. Now I feel like I’m just remembering what other people tell me and not really experiencing it for myself. When I manage to push these thoughts away and return to the present moment ..I hear the swoosh of traffic on Anapamu street. This bothers me so I actually try to push it away too. I immediately realize the futility of that and remember what Zen master Perry used to say: “..be aware of the sound of traffic ..let it be a reminder of the passing nature of everything.” So, I let the traffic go by without further complaint. Now I’m back to asking myself “am I doing what I want, or what other people have told me I should do.” Because I know damn well, like a rebellious child .. I resist what other people tell me I should do. Now I’m congratulating myself on this little scrap of insight. Now I’m asking myself if it’s really insight or just another example of remembering what someone else told me, like my mother or a grade school teacher. Now I’m criticizing myself for not having one original thought of my own. I glance at the watch I set beside me and realize only three minutes have gone by. I’m aiming for twenty. This is torture.