Everything is falling apart ..or so I tell myself ..but when I stop and look around ..the validity of the message falls apart ..only a few things I own are in need of repair ..my stereo ..my microwave ..my laptop ..everything else is working fine ..my desktop ..my furnace ..my car ..my neuro pathways ..OK, I may have to check those ..it seems to be the nature of my mind to multiply small matters ..and catastrophize minor setbacks ..it’s like I have a panel of judges inside my head that keep me awake at night worrying about some silly little thing going down over nothing ..like what someone said or did not say that day ..revealing their ‘true’ intentions ..threatening intentions ..like malice and betrayal ..when, by the light of day ..I see there is no such conspiracy ..that's when I experience what I call a simple ‘shift in perspective’ ..makes me feel lighter ..less overwhelmed by the misperception that the world is falling apart (at least until I pick up the newspaper) ..or someone is out to get me ..it allows me to go about the day feeling free and unencumbered .. less defensive and more receptive to what other people have to say (although my ex-wife would probably disagree) ..I can always rely on a slight ‘shift in perspective’ to pull me out of a downward spiral ..for some reason, resilience works for me ..I think I was born with it ..and my father nurtured it ..showing me how to focus on the obstacles in front of me instead of the demons of self-defeat inside my head ..I was reading a case study about homelessness earlier today .. when I thought about some of the others that I’ve read ..and some of the people that I’ve met ..I came to the conclusion ..or oversimplification ..that they seem to be the result of two forces ..a less-than-resilient mental disposition encountering a major-life misfortune ..something along the lines of losing a spouse ..a job ..a house ..followed by a lifetime spent ruminating ..blaming ..and self-loathing .. persistent feelings of failure ..not very adaptive ways of responding to temporary setbacks ..I realize how presumptuous this must sound ..especially coming from someone who usually writes such frivolous journal entries ..but I don’t dwell on it much ..and I continue to write all the same ..because someone once told me that the mind is a ‘story-making device’ ..and I believe it.
Monday, January 8, 2007
Shifty ideas
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7 comments:
Every good story probably needs a downward spiral to give it perspective. I find things fall apart in groups. The light bulbs burn out,the picture fall off the wall, the pen runs dry, the washer breaks, the car won't start and the shoelace breaks.
i find that at night, my mind is most vunerable to attack itself. with only me to talk myself out of it, it's not an easy thing to do.
Babs: door handles fall off ..the steering wheel comes off ..the voices won’t stop ..bad cough .. phone's tapped ..can’t sleep ..nerves snap ..ink spills ..mirror breaks ..land slides ..the house floods ..the pumps don't work cause the vandals took the handles.
Right! Like that. :]
Elise: Me too. It’s not an easy thing to do. By the light of day, I have reality on my side ..at night, a blank wall amplifies the smallest detail ..I try to tell myself not to listen to raving lunatics ..such as myself.
I take a long time to bounce back... I could easily be one of those homeless.
..but you aren't what you think you could easily be
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