Trek

10 am ~ It’s foggier and much cooler than a couple days ago. The ocean looks foreboding and I have my doubts about going in. I trek in my sweats ..circling the Music Academy and Koi ponds several times before heading back to Butterfly Beach. About a 40 minute loop. Still not sure I’m going in though. After a set of prāṇāyāmā and yoga exercises (30 minutes) I feel looser and the air feels considerably warmer. I look out and see a girl swimming in a flesh-colored thong bikini. I have to look twice ..maybe three times ..to make sure she’s wearing anything at all. Then Steve walks over and tells me the water is as warm as it looks. That’s it. I’m going in. I backstroke until one set of leg muscles start cramping then flip over and swim freestyle until another set starts to cramp (20 minutes). I’m done. Back out on Cabrillo the fog is burning off and it feels toasty. I swing by Blockbuster .. pick up ‘Whip it’ and head home feeling positively high.

just live

So don't ask me where I'll go / ‘Cause, frankly, I don't know / And I don't give a shit / Why must we all make sense / Of what just won't make sense / For once, I'm just gonna live / I'm just gonna live / Because we're..

Lilia pt 3

I haven’t heard from Lilia since her sister-in-law visited. I called once or twice to she if she were up for running but got no answer. Today I find out she’s planning to move. Rob told me. I ask why and he says: “She’s violating her rental agreement. Only allows for her and one other person (her teenage daughter). There are three teenage girls living there.” Makes me think someone must have snitched. He goes: “They weren’t obnoxious or anything. Just being teenage girls. Wasn’t their fault. Lilia’s got secrets though.” I’m thinking ..yeah, single mother going through a divorce. Something she confided in me but probably not the rest of the neighborhood. Explains why I haven’t seen her around. Turns out her sister-in-law has two teenage daughters who wanted to spend part of the summer in Santa Barbara. Not uncommon. Hardly warrants a violation. On top of going through a divorce ..re-locating .. starting a new job ..and trying to help her nieces .. she’s got to find someplace else to live. That sucks. I suggest she try holding out as long as she can .. let her nieces enjoy the rest of their summer break.

false memories

They say the fabric of memory is pliable and self-serving. It can be revised by the simple act of re-hashing things. I don’t know if this has anything to do with it but I often recollect scenes from movies I enjoy. Lately I’ve been watching a lot of French films with the actress Audrey Tautou ..who I just adore. I saw her in the movie ‘Da Vinci Code’ last night. This morning when Audrey Tautou popped into my head ..I mistook her for the character she plays in the movie. A character of potentially game-changing consequence to humanity. It felt eerie. It was just a flash but I’m wondering if this isn’t also some kind of false memory. Perhaps I’m overthinking it. I often blur the distinction between fantasy and reality. I know I confuse scenes from the movies with episodes from my past.

egocentricity

I saw the movie ‘The Girl’ last night. It takes place on the border between the U.S. and Mexico in Texas. Reminded me of how egocentric I can be. So can Ashley ..the main character. She over-estimates her role in the death of Rosa’s mother then undertakes an enormous journey to reunite Rosa with her family in Oaxaca .. explaining to them how it was her irresponsible actions at the border that lead to the mother’s death. After hearing what happened .. Rosa’s grandmother disagrees and says: “No, it was the river that killed her.” That and the pursuit of her dream. She considers Ashley a saint for bringing her granddaughter home safely. This confounds Ashley who places herself at the center of events. Even her father tells her he’s not going to bail her out of this one. It wasn’t her fault though. Illegal border crossings are risky business. It was underway long before she got there.

Invisible Empire

Oh Glory

Story of Eve

“I couldn’t get past the idea that I’d been abandoned. In my mind I was like the victim because I wasn’t able to get him to stay. I seriously believed I was the best I’d ever be ..I was nothing without him. When he left, I felt like a failure ..like I wasn’t good enough ..he wanted someone better. I realize now that he wanted to better himself. Now I’m like, what the fuck ..? Who’s to say I didn’t abandoned him? I get a lot of things wrong.”

Now

Why do you care what people think / Are you hooked up to their leash / You know {{ankle biters}} ate up your personality / Try to remember how it felt /  To just make up your own steps / And the {{anklebiters}} chew up, spit out someone else / Fall in love with yourself / Because / Someday you’re gonna be the only one you’ve got / Someday you’re gonna be the only one you’ve got / Why do you want to please the world /And leave yourself to drop dead / someday you’re gonna be the only one you’ve got / What do you actually expect / A broken mirror / to reflect / You know  {{ankle biters}} gave you a false perception    ~ Hayley Williams

Hayley Williams of Paramore

trek

I arrive at Butterfly at 8:50 am. The sky is clear and about 10 degrees warmer than where I live, which means it’s already hot down here. I strip to shorts and follow my new loop. At 9:30 I’m back on the beach doing yoga exercises. The fog has replaced blue sky. There’s a group of swimmers calling themselves ‘the ducks’. They swim out to the buoy and back. I remind my self not to even think it. I paddle on my back ..kicking from my ankles to get better propulsion. I flip over and do some freestyle swimming  ..reminding myself that a little is enough. Used to be easy. Now it seems I’m working harder to keep my head above water. Not sure why. Perhaps it’s because I’m not able to rely on my ankles as much, which means I slow down and stall. I have to switch to greater leg motion for freestyle.

trek

I arrive at Butterfly at 9:40 am. The fog is thick and getting thicker. I find a new trekking route that goes by the Music Academy ..score! After completing one loop ..I’m back on the beach practicing prāṇāyāmā at 10:00 am. A sailboat moored offshore disappears although I can still hear the halyard clinking the mast. Conditions are calm with a nice waist-high break. I walk out confidently and dive into an oncoming swell. I come out the backside and slip on my fins in one swell foop (it was taking me several tries before). The weight of the water doesn’t feel nearly as heavy on my fins as it has on prior days. I glide on my back kicking from my ankles .. I get better propulsion that way. Afterward I’m walking down the aisles at Trader Joes. The thin atmosphere on Earth is easy compared with the water. Almost feels like I’m walking on the moon.

 walking on the moon

trek

I decide to add a swim to my trek, which means doing just half a trek. I start at Butterfly Beach instead of the lagoon and go out and back along the bluff. A 25 minute round trip. I do some yoga exercises on the beach ..take a few deep breaths ..grab my fins and slowly walk out into the water. There’s a tiny swell but it pushes me around big time. I plunge in and slip on a fin in one swell foop. Standing upright in waist deep water ..the other fin proves more difficult. Trying to balance on one fin isn’t so easy. I get knocked over every time I lift my foot. I try rolling with the surf but it’s too disorienting and I end up swallowing a mouthful of water. I try a sideways stance to counter the incoming swells. That works and I slip on the fin ..fall backward into the water and float. The effort to lift my fins upward is substantial though. I can feel the weight of the water more than ever. Pushing down is much easier. So I take short kicks using my ankles as much as possible. That works and I glide along watching the shore zip by. I flip over to swim freestyle but its feels really awkward. I’m too uncoordinated. I flip on my back again and feel the weight of the water on my fins, ankles and calves. Tells me I’m working pretty hard. So I just float for a while and let the swells push me back into shore. I take big steps getting out ..plop my butt on wet sand and review what just happened out there. I counter feelings of discouragement by telling myself it’s going to take a little practice ..that’s all. Perhaps I’ll use the pool a few more times. Anyway, feels good to be back ..w00t!

Butterfly Beach

music exchange

bringing down the recording industry. 

Brilliant use of the Internet to create a meaningful music exchange

quantum tunnelling

In space, the powers of creation and destruction work differently than they do here on earth. Matter appears, dissolves and reappears just like here but  in  a   much   s l o w e r   m a n n e r.  Matter that makes up you and me. On earth we’re refreshed at such high rates of speed that the particles of matter disappear and reappear in essentially the same place ..making our position more or less predictable from one instant to the next. In space, however, it’s so cold that things take a little longer ..when measured in nano-seconds. So, instead of the high-speed collisions that we see on earth .. particles are refreshed by way of quantum tunneling in space [link]. This means we could wink out of one place one moment and reappear in another place the next ..kind of like looking at someone through a strobe light. And not only that .. this kind of delay lowers the probability of particles sticking together ..meaning there’s a good chance that we could dissolve in the process.

morning trek

6:30 am ..I check out the news and weather online. Watch Hayley Williams sing on YouTube. Feel my spirits lifting. Have coffee and a smoothie on the deck ..watch my thoughts pick up speed. Put the top down on the alfa and zip to the shore. I start at the bird refuge by the lagoon  ..adjust my trekking poles and take long strides to the bluff overlooking Butterfly Beach. I pass through azalea, bougainvillea and lantana. Watch a hummingbird freeze in midair to check me out. I can feel the breeze from its wings on my face. I thank her for the kind gesture and she passes. I look out over the edge ..glassy conditions, emerald green water. I think next time I’m wearing my swim shorts instead.

Lucidity Festival

Rainbow Girls
Lucidity Festival

Santa Barbara  CA

Lilia pt 2

I run into Lilia on my next trip to the high school track and ask her if she’s able to continue running on the beach. I’ve been going down there just about every morning since we met. She reminds me to call before next time I go. We make plans for the following day. Later I wonder if it’s such a good idea ..might be too soon to make it a social event. I don’t know. I need to stay focused. I call the next day anyway .. but she tells me she has to go to the airport with her family ..she forgot. Her sister-in-law is coming to visit. But she wants to go tomorrow. I call the next morning and get a message telling me she’s a voice-mail customer who hasn’t started her voice-mail service yet. For some reason it feels like a failure-to-launch, which surprises me. I shouldn’t feel this way .. it’s not like it was a date or anything. Even though I know I’m  making a big deal out of it ..it.kinda’ revives my doubts. Reminds me to stay focused.

certainty of possibility

I think I may actually know something about the value of information. It was my field in grad school and I worked in IT for almost 20 years. Seems like I should. Anyway I can usually tell when someone says something will happen based only on the  possibility that it could happen. In logic I think they would call that a fallacy. Last week the Washington Post reported  Edward Snowden’s claim that the government has unfettered access to our personal online records. Alarming, but the way the report reads ..only a possibility. Since the Washington Post is a fairly reliable source and some of the other claims turned out to be true, I gave this one equal credit. Next I hear all the major online services denying such a ‘secret government portal’ exists. I felt like I’d given it too much credit. The folks at Google would certainly know when they’re being hacked ..wouldn’t they. Then the New York Times reports that Google and government officials ‘discussed the creation of portals’ where the government can go retrieve online information anytime ..without a search warrant. Certainly bolsters Snowden’s claim. Today I hear that Snowden has been on a campaign against intrusive government for a long time and his claim is based on ‘government-training material’. Certainly a worthy campaign ..but I’ve seen government-training material before. So now I’m back to square one. Just because someone says something could happen doesn’t mean it did. As far as I’m concerned .. the value of his claim is still indeterminate and could go either way.

don't look back

Lilia pt 1

I meet Lilia for the first time at the football stadium. I’m walking around the track ..she’s sitting on the steps having a beer. It’s Friday after work. I stop and say “hi, kicking back?”  She responds enthusiastically so I stay and we chat. She says she needed to get out of the house ..something about not wanting to drink in front of her daughter. She goes on to tell me she’s getting a divorce and recently moved back to Santa Barbara where she grew up. Went to high school here ..played soccer and ran cross-country. Graduated in 1984 ..which I quickly figure makes her 12 years younger than me (old habit). She looks fit ..Hispanic ..pretty. She tells me she’s started running again on the beach and says: “they’ve finally come out with a running shoe you can wear in the water.” I tell her about my plans to start walking where I used to run along the shore. She lights up and asks me to call ..she’d like to join me ..says it would help her stayed committed ..and gives me her number. I give her mine. Turns out we’re neighbors ..she lives just a few doors down. Now I’m having lingering thoughts about her.

Kālī

continued from [here]

I saw Kālī a few more times before she left Santa Barbara. Then I didn’t hear from her at all. I assumed she was getting along OK in Ojai ..composing music ..following the path ..getting clear ..when I received a message. She’d gone much deeper than that. The path was now her home. She was living at an Ashram in Colorado ..immersed in spiritual practice 24 hours a day ..sometimes performing Tantric Yoga until sunrise. Tantric yoga requires a partner ..and she had one. Marco Shapanka is a practicing Hindu and devotee of Sri Ramakrishna. Sri Ramakrishna was a 19th century Bengalese Swami and head of Dakshineswar Kālī Temple. Sri Ramakrishna also had a partner ..Sri Sri Sarada Devi who is considered to be an incarnation of the Goddess Kālī. So, to my astonishment, Serena was not just following Kālī ..she was re-enacting the life of Kālī and her successive incarnations. It felt like I was witnessing the birth of another wave in a cycle that had begun 4,000 years ago.

(to be continued)

Kālī

continued from [here]

Next time I saw Kālī I learned her real name .. Serena. She told me she was a devotee of Sri AnandamayiMa .. a Hindu Saint and incarnation of the Goddess Kālī. In Hindu tradition, the Goddess Kālī is consort to Lord Shiva and together they represent the creative and destructive powers of the Universe. Hearing this struck a chord. I was on a similar path when I was her age. I remembered a piece of music that resonated with me then and brought it with me next time. It resonated with her too. The inside cover has an illustration of the Kālī Yantra .. same as the one tattooed on Serena’s back. Until then I had not paid much attention to the CD illustration. I was paying attention now. Serena explained how the tattoo came to be on her back. Earlier in the year she had an ecstatic experience. She came into direct contact with the spirit of Goddess Kālī [link].

(continued)

Kālī

When I first met Kāli, she told me she was sick of living in the contaminated atmosphere surrounding Southern California. It wasn’t just the air pollution. She felt that way about the food and culture as well. At 20 she was already an established DJ ..specializing in electronic Eastern music. However she was about to stop performing. “I’m tired of playing to a room full of zombies.” She was also looking for a place in Ojai, which she felt was a more healthy community. There she could take time to compose and deepen her commitment to spiritual practice. “Sounds refreshing” I said ..and told her about a Buddhist monastery on a nearby mountaintop where she could go meditate whenever she wanted. “Ohhh, you have no idea how wonderful that sounds right now.” Actually, I thought ..yeah I do. But I just smiled and gave her a hug. I had no doubt she’d find her way. [continued]

Galactic Psymadhi by ॐ Kali Devi ॐ

Shoreline

I down a smoothie and go walking in the early morning fog along the shore. It’s my favorite time ..just before burnoff. Very soothing. I pass by tai chi and yoga classes in the park. Very cool. At the end of the wharf where there’s nothing separating me from the water I watch low flying pelicans appear out of the mist then disappear again. The water is smooth and olive green. Very full and very still. Massive. Leaving, I promise to rent myself a three-wheel bike next time. I’m in the market for one anyway.

time beings

In the book ‘Tale for the Time Being’ [link], a 100-year-old Zen master says:

    “For the time being
       ...words scatter
     are they fallen leaves?”

In the Shōbōgenzō [link], Dōgen Zenji says:

   “We are all time beings
     existing as passing moments in time .”

So, I guess to answer the Zen masters question: Yes, words are like fallen leaves because once spoken, they quickly pass and exist only as prior moments of time. ..transient as falling leaves. Another way to answer, I suppose, is by not answering at all ..in observance of the insubstantial nature of words.