Affirmative Consent

In response to 'Affirmative Consent'  by Dr. Paul R. Abramson (x)

"..a person's approach to sexual behavior and relationships is often already firmly established by the time he or she reaches college ..ameliorative measures at the college level might come years too late. If we want to get it right, we must begin educating them in junior high school about the necessity of affirmative consent. The [best way] to do that is to make it part of the mandatory sex education curriculum."  - Dr. Paul R. Abramson

I agree. Our approach to sexual relationships is established well before college, however, I'm not sure classroom instruction is the answer. We're reared in a culture of 'intoxicated sex'. There are few opportunities for young people to meet without ingesting intoxicants to help ease the anxiety of social interaction. I think the Boy's and Girl's club is a better place than sex ed class .. and could be greatly expanded. It's a place where young people can go to meet while doing something other than drinking. I mean activities like video games, dance ..and even ping-pong are far less stressful than High School parties. Classroom instruction often goes out the window in the face of social anxiety. Engaging with others in a more natural setting while learning first-hand the consequences of disrespect and offensive behavior is, in my opinion, a step toward healthier relations ..and possibly away from a culture of intoxicated sex.

Romance of the absurd

Writing contest entry:  I was her dance partner at the dances after the high school football game . Her name was Carol. She was dark-haired and devastating. We’d sit with friends in a circle on the dance floor. When the music started she’d look over at me through those dark bangs, rock her head mischievously, take my hands and pull me up. We danced to rock and roll ..our arms clasped around each other’s neck. Head-to-head she’d look at me with an alluring smile that wouldn’t quit. It persisted while I lay in bed at night. This has gotta’ be love I felt. I was fifteen. My friends thought I was crazy “You’re way out of her league, bro.” I didn’t care what they said. I figured they were envious.

At the last dance I took a chance and tried to kiss her. She pulled back. I persisted and offered to walk her home. “I’ve got a ride” she replied. My heart sank. At a party that weekend I managed to make-out with someone else. How I haven’t a clue. I was such a nerd. My heart wasn’t into it though. She did manage to leave a bunch of hickies on my neck.

Monday morning I shared a little ganja with friends, spotted Carol across the quad and, feeling no inhibitions, called her. Then I ran through the quad and managed to trip and fall down right in front of her. She helped me up ..looked at my neck and gasped at the marks I had completely forgotten. “Will you go out with me ..?” I blurted out. “You've got to be kidding” she replied. “Let me explain” I said. She went “look at your eyes ..you must be stoned!” Our relationship, as it was, went no further. Football season was over.

Resurrection of Eve

She met him during her senior year in drama club. Roger was a recent graduate of theater arts from UCLA. He'd been asked to help them put on a production of ‘The Mikado’. I remember her going around singing: “You are the reason I've been waiting all these years” She was a fine soprano but a future Hollywood starlet ..probably not. She wouldn't stop talking about him like he was some kinda' golden boy and I could tell she was way beyond being just into him. He lived in the in-law quarters of a Malibu estate where he worked as a caretaker. She joined him after graduation and they spend what she describes as the most blissful summer of her life together. In September he left to take a position with a theater company in New York. Devastation ensued. At college, she was like a zombie. I don't know why she couldn't go with him but I figured maybe she didn't feel like it was her destiny or something (!?) I suppose I really didn't give it much thought. I ran into her in town a little while ago. There still seemed to be a lingering fog but I could sense some clearing. Then there was a breakthrough. It went something like this:

 

“I couldn’t get beyond the idea that I’d been abandoned by Roger.”
“In my mind I was like the victim because I wasn’t able to get him to stay.”
“I seriously believed I was the best I could be with him - I was nothing without him.”
“When he left, I felt like a failure ..like I wasn’t good enough ..he wanted someone better.”
“I realize now that he wanted to better himself.”
“Now I’m like, what the fuck …who’s to say I didn’t abandoned him?”
“I got a lot of things wrong back then.”

 

So did I, I told her ..I still don’t get it right.

Dissolution II

Continued from  ~>[ link ]

 

David shows up at my kitchen table one day looking troubled. His Hawaiian liaison was getting kinda’ weird. He felt they were at a point where it was OK to kiss .. perhaps even neck. But she’d get uncomfortable, freeze-up, burst-out crying then lock herself in her room. I thought, oh man ..this is not what he needs right now. I didn’t know what to say except everyone’s different ..there are no rules ..and thought about my own misadventures. It continued this way for a while and he’d show up all dejected looking. Then he finished his degree, got a teaching gig in Huntington Beach and stopped coming by altogether.

After class one day, I suggested to a friend that we go have drinks at ‘Executive Suites’ ..remembering what David had told me about the place. He burst out laughing and told me that it’s a notorious lesbian bar. I was like ..OK, that explains things. But I had to wonder ..did David not realize that. Possibly, I forgot to mention that he was a bit naive. Things began to unravel after that. In the evenings, I began noticing something peculiar ..an older fellow with long hair, handle bar mustache and dirty work clothes sitting in his truck chugging beers ..tall cans of Colt 45 to be exact. When I’d arrive home from class at night, he’d be gone but his truck would be there. Didn’t bother me. This was largely student housing, which made him stand out ..that’s all. Then one evening, while he was sitting in his truck chugging beers, Diane pulls up in the driveway, gets out and goes inside. Next, I see truck guy get out and go up to her door ..still holding a tall one. I’m like, yikes ..and thought about dialing 911. However, when she opens the door ..she squeals, throws herself in his arms, wraps her legs around his waist and he carries her inside and shuts the door. My first thought was ‘poor David’. My second thought was .. that tells me something. It was never about the wine ..or David’s choice of jobs or anything. I had it all wrong. We had it all wrong ..I’m not sure David ever knew Executive Suites was a lesbian club ..or that Diane had a lover.

Dissolution I

While I was in college, I lived next door to a delightful couple, David and Diane. They were born-again Christians. David was working on his teaching credentials, while Diane worked as an administrative assistant to a VP. David was outgoing and gregarious, while Diane was shy and reserved. I got to know David better. I remember one day, sitting at my kitchen table, listening to him tell me about a recent turn of events in their marriage. Diane had begun criticizing him for the glass of wine he has with dinner. He defended himself by quoting from the bible, claiming “Jesus drank wine”. On another occasion, he was moaning that, in restitution for that ‘sin’ ..Diane was now refusing to participate in another ‘sin’ ..sex. Now that was a major wrinkle. I had no answer except to agree that she may be overreacting. I asked if there was something else going on. The plot thickens. She was also complaining about being the sole source of income and telling David that he should get his real estate license ..or sell insurance ..or something. My concern was that a full-time job might delay the credentials he needed for the job he really wanted. But David was resourceful. He was a talented musician and began getting nighttime gigs singing and playing guitar at local clubs. I soon learned that this was another source of grievance for Diane ..she felt he was heading directly to Sodom and Gomorrah. Then one day he dropped the bomb. They were separating. I was saddened. He was devastated. I tried to console. He had a lot going for him. I mean, he was handsome (he looked like a young Treat Williams) ..and talented and so close to finishing his education. David moved out but continued to appear at my kitchen table (when he knew his wife was at work). He told me about one of the clubs he played at called ‘Executive Suites’ on PCH, where the girls outnumber guys like 10 to 1. He tells me I outta’ go there sometime ..I couldn’t miss. He says between acts he sits at a table with a group of babes all to himself. I laughed because I could see that this was a definite boost to his ego. One day he came by to tell me he had hooked-up with of his ‘groupies’ ..a tall Hawaiian beauty ..and that this was all right because his marriage was still on-hold. Now, whenever I saw him .. he was floating on air. I was happy for him.

to be continued ~> [ link ]..