Konstanz

am Bodensee

A beautiful mind in Lindau

I finished reading 'Beautiful Mind', which was nothing like the movie, but still an excellent account of how to deal with the dieties of mental illness. John Nash went crazy when his ordinary thoughts gave way to the exhilaration of delusions. Delusions are not just childish fantasies ..but compulsions driven by terror and the will to survive. He believed he was receiving messages from superior beings in outer space when he read the New York Times –they told him that the US was becoming a fascist state and we were all being regimented. He became paranoid that independent thinkers like himself would be persecuted.

What I admire about Nash was his ability to counter these delusions and get out from under their influence. He accomplished this through the power of reason ..simply recognizing and rejecting the irrational beliefs that fueled his psychosis. If only my delusions were that easy to get rid of.

I put down the book and look out through the window of my Bavarian sanitarium. Tall pine trees waving in front of stormy gray skies ..not what I expected ..but definitely a break from the usual. Urges me to explore. Maybe that’s why I picked this book out of all the others in my brother’s collection. You learn a lot about things when they fall apart.

Spinoza in Lindau

Benedict De Spinoza was a philosopher living in Amsterdam during the ‘age of enlightenment’ ..around the mid-1600’s. What interests me is that his ideas pre-figured modern day neuroscience ..especially regarding the relationship between the mind and body. He talked about the ‘natural wisdom of the body ..speculating that ‘feelings’ are the mind’s ‘ideas’ about the body ..and so on. Today neuroscientists know we have an ‘interoceptive sense’ that carries messages from the body to the brain where they register as feelings and a sense of wellbeing. Feelings have the same value as other thoughts and ideas when it comes to guiding behavior. In fact, without them people would not be able to make even the most simple decision ..like what to eat or what to wear. The intellect paralyzes ..whereas feelings add weight to information, which, in turn, narrows things down, so we can act comfortably ..without undue deliberation.

Looking for Spinoza,by Antonio Damasio, is a highly readable book on the neuroscience of the mind~body relationship.

Charlotte Simmons, by Tom Wolfe, also shows the importance of feelings. The fictitious Charlotte Simmons is a super smart, high achieving honors student and valedictorian. However in college, her concerns about approval ..what other people think ..and what's 'cool' ..carry more weight than her own 'keen intellect'.

Trim dich

It rained really heavy last night ..which means today we are running up the muddy trail of a ‘trim dich’ course. I would like to get a rhythm going so that I’m not struggling so hard to keep myself upright. I start belting out tunes ..trail tunes like:

‘I don’t know ..but I’ve been told ..it’s hard to run ..with the weight of gold ..(breath, breath) ..other times ..I heard it said (breath, breath) ..it’s just as hard ..with the weight of lead’.

The forest is so thick ..the air is so heavy ..and Cindy and Steve are so far ahead that they can’t hear me. Lucky for them. I’m shouting as loud as I can. Feels liberating. Soon I’m running in step. I reach a temporary anxiety-free zone where there is only motion ..smooth and easy. Nothing pressing down on my chest ..nothing constricting my breath. Just watching my feet strike the ground ahead of me ..in a trance.

Whooosh

It got noticeably more quiet here today, which makes me feel kind of ‘low-spirited’. Nancy, Teresa, Lara and Jade took off from Zurich this morning. Left a big vacuum. It also got a whole lot hotter and more humid. So, I’m sitting on a shady patio, reading, watching the clouds go by and doing as little as possible. I talk to Steve and he asks me to think of a domain name for his electronic voting system. I came up with something like safe_and_representative.org ..in order to stress it’s ‘tamper resistant’ virtues.

Says here how very few moments are ‘emotionally neutral’. So, I think about that for a moment and go ..yeah, I get a ‘rush’ when people pay attention to me ..a ‘buzz’ when they understand what I’m saying –‘demolished’ when they don’t ..‘embarrassed’ that my German isn’t any better ..‘guilty’ that I make Bernadette struggle in English. I see the power I have to amplify my feelings and blow them out of proportion. For me, it’s important to let go of persistent, negative reactions. I counter feelings of ‘submission’ in response to my father’s voice ..which makes me feel like a kid again ..and reminds me of when spilling a bowl of soup was like a major catastrophe. Interesting to sit here and watch these ‘charged’ moments go by.

Homöopathy

I started homeotherapy this morning with Dr. Meßmer. She is a ‘Naturheilpraxis’, which means ‘natural health practitioner’ ..specializing in acupuncture, homöopathy and neuraltherapy. They regard this sort of thing more highly here than in the States ..I think it's part of their medical establishment. It also kind of fits in with the natural surroundings ..taking it’s place among the farms, forests and alpine mountains. I kept waiting for her to prescribe more butter, yogurt and cheese. Anyway, I complained of the usual ..fatigue and neuropathy. Her blood test revealed something that doesn’t show up on my tests in the U.S ..that is, my bone marrow is producing too many ‘immature’ red blood cells ..which helps explain the fatigue. Dr. Meßmer prescribed, among other things, folic acid to help oxygenate my blood, and L-arginine to help my liver detoxify better. She said that my immune system looks strong ..which I’m happy to hear because it means I have a better chance of fighting free radicals.

Hans and Fabian

Cap'm Hans took us on a leisurely cruise around the Bodensee in his little steamboat. How relaxing..! The water comes up to just inches below the rail allowing me to run my fingers through it. The Cap’m told me the Bodensee is 187 kilometers around ..about 116 miles. Hmmm, that’s bigger than Lake Tahoe, which is only 72 miles around. No way, my sister Nancy says. Ja, Tahoe only seems bigger because the road is more winding and we get only glimpses of it whereas we can see more of the Bodensee at one time. Afterwards, we sat at an outdoor restaurant on Wasserburg harbour and chatted.

I was chatting with Fabian because we both speak French. I found her attractive, but didn't let on ..she's Cap’m Hans' girlfriend. However, considering their tolerance for multiple partners around here ..he still lives with his wife .. I was considering asking for her number ..but then I thought it would be more discreet to get it from Bitz. Anyway, she’s originally from ‘Brittany’ ..the northern region of France. She tells me that people in Brittany feel closer to England. They despise Paris and everything south of it. That’s because the region has passed back and forth between the two countries throughout centuries of war. I told her that the Southern States of America still feel that way about the North ..some 125 years after the civil war. She didn’t know that ..so, I went on to explain how the California Coast, as well as the Pacific Northwest, may some day secede from the U.S. government. The culture of the west is becoming just so much different than the culture of the east. She was astonished to hear that ..just as I was surprised to hear about the people of Brittany.

Cap’m Jeff

I’m skipping over Lake Bodensee on a tube ..behind a boat with Cap’m Jeff at the wheel. Whooosh!! Staying inline with the v-shaped wake that keeps narrowing in front of me ..giving him the thumbs-up to go faster ..looking down ..watching the movement of water splitting apart in front of me and then coming back together again behind me ..flowing cohesion ..feeling the spray on my face ..watching the countryside zoom by. Whooosh!! Washing away the accumulated stress of holding myself together on solid ground. Water always makes me feel this way.

Chapella walk

I went for a BIG WALK yesterday ..up through the forest to the Chapella on the hill ..then back by way of Montford Schloß Beer Garden. I did this twice ..stopping only once at the beer garden.My endorphins kick in half way up ..making me feel loose and rhythmical. Swinging my walking stick like a baseball bat and singing: ‘I know you rider’ ..rather loudly, up the hill to the chapella ..where there’s a young lady picnicking. Wonder what she’s thinking ..I’m feeling totally Amerika’n’sch. Everything is vibrating in different waves of green ..as far as my eye can see. I’m surrounded by bright green hills and thick dark forest. At the chapella, I get a panoramic view of the Bodensee ..and a massive weather system full of clouds coming from the northwest.

Wanderweg

I went for a moderate walk yesterday ..down and around the cemetery with Dad. Talking about back pain, hip pain, bad knees and neuropathy. I tried to explain the ‘endorphin’ theory. Then I walked up to Montford Schloß Beer Garden by myself. It was a ‘moderate’ walk because I got lost and ended up going farther than I intended. I couldn’t find the farmhouse that marks the footpath (wanderweg).I’m practicing Pranayama out on the deck this morning ..feeling comfortable. Watching the clouds zoom by in front of clear blue sky. Alpine weather moves fast. It’s about 15° cooler ..and much clearer than yesterday –down from a steamy humid 90° f. The weather doesn’t bother me much though. I have nothing more pressing to do than sit here and go with the flow. The fluid levels in my upper respiratory system are going down too ..in spite of the massive amount of pure dairy food I’ve been eating. Lindau is in Bavaria, which is the dairy producing region of Germany. My sister Jennifer is right, it’s not dairy products that hurt ..it’s all the other stuff they add to it in the U.S.

Things to do around Lindau

Sunbathe nude at the hidden schwimmbad ..then walk around the mediaeval-looking town. Drink beer and watch the boats going in and out of the harbour. Visually follow the surrounding countryside all the way to the Swiss Alps across the lake ..makes you feel like you’re in a fairy tale that’s been going on for centuries.Watch ‘The Incredibles’..‘Big Lebowski’ ..and many others from Jeffrey’s DVD library ..probably see some concert videos and other cultural events that you missed this year. Hike to a beer garden ..drink a ‘raddler' (normal beer with limonada citrone) or ‘cola weissen’ (wheat beer with coca cola) ..play with Jade ..listen to her say things you know she heard her teenage brother say.

Jade

My ten-year-old niece, Jade, looks so young ..like a childhood version of Reese Witherspoon. She weighs only 44 pounds ..but, I have learned not to underestimate her. She can make some pretty tough inferences while reading grown-up material. She can work multiple remote devices and control the PC, IPOD, DVD and TV ..tells me which movie characters to watch out for ..pauses the movie when I leave the room momentarily ..even adjusts the lights for me when I go online. Very tuned-in. She has phonemic awareness in spades ..I could hear it while she was reading aloud and ran into words that she didn’t know ..like ‘illustrative’ All she had to do was sound out the first three phonemes: ‘i..ll..u’ to recognize they were the beginning of a word that she did know .. and said ‘illustration’ ..but she knew that wasn’t quite right and immediately came back with the right word ‘illustrative’. I think the ‘ive’ ending is what threw her ..it didn’t conform to a visual pattern that she could immediately recognize.

Brother Jeff

My brother Jeff and I watched a Peter Gabriel concert DVD ..the same show he saw last year at the outdoor theater on the lake in Bregenz, Austria. Very high-tech performance art. Reminds me of the stuff he did with Laurie Anderson on his ‘So’ CD. Next we listen to ‘Alter Bridge’ ..made up of former members of ‘Creed’ ..which was the best selling group of the nineties ..which is a surprise. Very cool tho ..they’re alternately soft, folksy and hard. We also listen to Jack Johnson, who is definitely folk-jazz ..which is very popular in Germany right now. I like him. Later on we hear his music playing at a nearby beer garden. Over here, I can participate in online communities built around just about anything: music ..poetry ..satellite imagery ..streaming video ..the web of science and the stream of consciousness. Sites that promote ‘social interactions’ rule the net. Even in this small Bavarian town near the Alps ..information connects. I suggest this as a topic for Jeff’s senior thesis. Nah, he says ..not technical enough. He’s working on a degree in network engineering.

Touch down

I land in Zurich ..without my luggage. I’m put-off by this at first, but then I realize I won’t miss it much. There are plenty of provisions here in Lindau ..and everyone is so gracious, thoughtful and kind. Razor blades and t-shirts for me ..a bicycle for Jade. One day Bernadette announces that my luggage is on it’s way. She’s so sweet ..puts stuffed animals in the bed for Jade ..takes the ‘empties’ from my room ..makes life comfortable for everyone.

Take off

LA to New York ..and I’ve been up for almost 12 hours. Oh, I try to sleep on the plane but when I shut my eyes it sounds like every conversation in the cabin, including the jet engines, are going off inside of my head. So, I try polite conversation with the pretty ‘Scarlett Johanson like’ girl in the seat next to me. She works at an art gallery in New York city. Doesn’t own a car ..says she walks to work everyday. I try to imagine what that must be like. She’s originally from Los Angeles but enunciates so clearly that I couldn’t tell. No Southern California slur there. She tells me that she cannot hear the difference between the way New Yorkers and Angelenos speak. She also tells me not to believe what I see in Woody Allen movies. Well, ok ..I figure that’s because she speaks high caliber English with other New Yorkers speaking equally high caliber English. She’s reading ‘The Fountainhead’ by Ayn Rand. I ask her if she thinks the characters sound like they’re giving speeches. She answers no, it sounds like normal conversation to her. Guess that’s because they’re speaking her language ..the one she learned at private schools in Hancock Park .

Flight 64 from New York to Zurich ..I’ve been up for 24 hours now. As soon as I get off the plane from LA ..I’m standing in the boarding line for the flight to Zurich. Kate says it rarely works out that way ..you usually have to run to another concourse. Now I’m hallucinating. I swear the little lady from Switzerland looks like Melissa Etheridge. I suppose she thinks I’m rude for staring ..maybe I should try to explain. Nah, I don’t want to risk getting lost in translation. It is good to hear people speaking German and French though ..just wish they’d do it somewhere other than the inside of my head. There’s a terrible pain going on in there –so I take out the big guns ..vicodin and motrin ..and start flushing my system with so much water that the stewardess stops to ask if I’m all right.

Patricia and Reinhard

Summertime

Summertime ..to me that means boogie boarding at eucalyptus beach ..taking Pacific Coast Highway to Big Sur ..and, this year ..visiting my family in Germany – 5 sisters and a brother. Means that pretty soon we’ll be sitting in beer gardens ..walking past orchards loaded with apples and pears, too small and bitter to eat ..but just right for the schnapps we drink. We’ll drive through the hops and vineyards around lake Bodensee ..take a ferry to the city of Konstanz, which is a town so old it feels medieval. We’ll also hike up Mount Pfänder (pronounced ‘fender’) ..and take the ‘tele-freak’ (cable car) back down.