Growing up

Delayed adolescence: During High School, I experienced my mother’s struggle with divorce and single-parenting more than anything going on in the classroom (or school grounds). Not sure I’d call it depression ..but things sure looked awfully bleak. It felt like I was living in a cave without much light until about my senior year when my head started clearing a little ..although I hadn’t really learned much. I had begun practicing zen although I’m not sure that had anything to do with it. College is where I actually started  growing up (delayed adolescence ..?). I began to realize that things happening to me were the consequence of my own actions. More so than chance ..or the actions of others (karma ..?) I noticed when I put in the effort I succeeded more often than when I didn’t (big revelation). Now I felt like I had a lot of catching up to do ..not only in school but in my life as well. I put in long hours at the library and started getting good grades. I dated like a gentleman and started getting laid (continued ..?).

false memories

They say the fabric of memory is pliable and self-serving. It can be revised by the simple act of re-hashing things. I don’t know if this has anything to do with it but I often recollect scenes from movies I enjoy. Lately I’ve been watching a lot of French films with the actress Audrey Tautou ..who I just adore. I saw her in the movie ‘Da Vinci Code’ last night. This morning when Audrey Tautou popped into my head ..I mistook her for the character she plays in the movie. A character of potentially game-changing consequence to humanity. It felt eerie. It was just a flash but I’m wondering if this isn’t also some kind of false memory. Perhaps I’m overthinking it. I often blur the distinction between fantasy and reality. I know I confuse scenes from the movies with episodes from my past.

egocentricity

I saw the movie ‘The Girl’ last night. It takes place on the border between the U.S. and Mexico in Texas. Reminded me of how egocentric I can be. So can Ashley ..the main character. She over-estimates her role in the death of Rosa’s mother then undertakes an enormous journey to reunite Rosa with her family in Oaxaca .. explaining to them how it was her irresponsible actions at the border that lead to the mother’s death. After hearing what happened .. Rosa’s grandmother disagrees and says: “No, it was the river that killed her.” That and the pursuit of her dream. She considers Ashley a saint for bringing her granddaughter home safely. This confounds Ashley who places herself at the center of events. Even her father tells her he’s not going to bail her out of this one. It wasn’t her fault though. Illegal border crossings are risky business. It was underway long before she got there.

Covenant

My task is to try and uncover the semi-happy ending that was hidden back at the story’s beginning. Only then, I am told, will I have a chance at creating a real and satisfying resolution. There may be no other way. It’s crucial to get back to the original flash of inspiration .. a time when all plot lines were equally possible ..and remember to read the signs I missed along the way.

A Middle East tale

There was once a country where the majority of people were Shiite. But they were ruled by a Sunni tyrant. One day a faraway Christian country came and freed them from tyranny and established democracy where majority rules. The Shiite majority elected a Shiite government. The Shiite government chose its closest Shiite neighbor as an ally ..a sworn enemy of the Christian country. Was that so hard to foresee ..?

Warp speed

I look at the map of where I live ..the one inside my head. It’s warped. The angles are skewed and the distances are shortened. I can nail the directions to the County Bowl OK ..but the other side of town is a different story. This distorted image is like an icon that gives me an immediate sense of where I am and where I want to be. And it does a fairly good job. Consider the map of the London Tube you get at any station. It’s more like a schematic diagram than an actual view. Still it’s become an indispensable icon. In fact, I bet it comes closer to the one that’s inside just about every Londoner’s head these days. I ask for the closest Underground station and get a GPS-like reading. Mention Camden Town ..forget it.

Phone scam

December 10, 2012:    My stepdaughter is due any moment now. She lives in Portland and her mother is on the way. In fact, she should be there already. I’m expecting a call any moment. Sure enough, I’m preparing breakfast when the phone rings. The voice on the other end sounds excited.

“I've got news for you, Grandpa!” 
I’m like, sweet ..my son-in-law is calling me Grandpa now.
“All right. CONGRATULATIONS Dustin! How’s mother and child?”
“Uh ..OK” sounding noticeably less excited.
 “How’re you doing Dustin ..you don’t sound so well.”
 “Oh, probably ‘cuz I’m on medications ..I hurt my ankle at work.”
 He works in construction so it figures.
“Sorry to hear ..are you at the hospital now?
“No, here’s the thing you see..I got stopped on my way over.”
“Uh oh ..”
 “Yeah, I’m at the station now.”
“What for ..speeding?”
“No, driving while intoxicated.”
 “Did you tell them where you’re going ..they should give you a police escort” like I’ve seen on T.V. “Where’s Laura ..she should be there by now.”
“I didn’t wanna’ to get her alarmed so I thought I’d call you first.”
“They gotta’ be worried ..you want me to call?”
“Not yet ..there’s something I need you to do for me.”
 “What’s that ..?”
“A court official wants to talk to you ..like vouch for me or something.”
 “Who?”
“Not exactly sure ..”
“OK ..but Laura might be in a better position ..”
“No Grandpa ..I want you to talk to him first.”
Now I’m getting a little suspicious.
You sure I'm the party you’re trying to reach, Dustin?”
“You’re scaring me ..”
“Just want to make sure I’m who you think I am. By the way ..who am I?”
“You’re my grandfather.”
“Which one ..?”
 “Eugene. Are you’re screwing with me.”
“No, I think you’re screwing with me.”
 I hang up and immediately call Laura. She tells me she’s in the waiting room ..Dustin’s in the delivery room.

Proceed in slow motion

  Thors Well Oregon

Rob Brezsny’s Free Will Astrology Reading: Do you plan your meals while you’re meditating? Do you text-message as you drive? Do you simultaneously eat a meal, pay your bills and watch TV? If so, you are probably trying to move too fast and do too much. Even in normal times, that's no good. But in the coming week, it could get downright crowded. You need to slowwww wayyyy dowwwn. You've got . . . to compel yourself . . . to do . . . one thing . . . at a time. I say this not just because your mental and physical health depend on it. Certain crucial realizations about your future are on the verge of popping into your awareness .. but they will only pop if you are immersed in a calm and unhurried state. 

narrative of cultures

“Our lives, our cultures, are composed of many overlapping stories. Novelist Chimamanda Adichie tells the story of how she found her authentic cultural voice -- and warns that if we grow up hearing only a single story about another person or country, we risk a critical misunderstanding"

Flickering memory

I’ve discovered that I can remember movies I watched prior to 1995 almost verbatim, however, any movie released after that, I can watch repeatedly and it’s almost like seeing it for the first time. I admit that I sometimes sit halfway through a film before realizing I’ve seen it before ..maybe even more than once. For instance, I saw ‘Body Double’ last night ...not having seen it since way back in 1985. I could remember the ending quite clearly and anticipate just about every scene ..and almost every line. However, I’ve been watching ‘The Lincoln Lawyer’ over and over again with equal surprise and I’m never quite sure how it’s going to end. Go figure. Could be early onset Alzheimer’s. Could be the primacy effect where movies I saw closer to the onset of video were just more novel ..until about 1995 when the novelty wore off and I became accustomed to watching hundreds of videos a week with little recollection. In either case ..I’m having a lot less difficulty picking out videos to see for the first time these days.

Message of a thousand years

A study, published in the journal PLoS Computational Biology, suggests our brains subconsciously use a simplistic strategy in order to filter out options when faced with a complex decision. However, the research highlights how this strategy can lead to poor choices [ link ].

Message: “..a thousand years ago a massive earthquake and tsunami had all but wiped out Murohama, a fishing village on an island off the coast of Japan. The residents, knowing they were going to be inundated, sought safety on the village's closest hill. But they had entered a trap. A second wave, which had reached the interior of the island through an inlet, was speeding over the rice paddies from the opposite direction. The waves collided at the hill and killed those who had taken refuge there. To signify their grief and to advise future generations, the survivors erected a shrine ..a simple clearing by the side of a hillside road, with stone tablets and roughly made figures.”

This shrine continues to serve as a warning of where not to go in the event of an earthquake. On March 11, 2011 ..the locals heard the echoes of that message. “We all know the story about the two tsunami waves that collided at the shrine.” Instead of taking refuge on the closest hill, the one with the shrine, they took the time to get to high ground farther away. From the safety of their vantage point they saw two tsunami waves colliding at the hill with the shrine, as they did long ago. A message sent by ancestors over 1,000 years ago, traveled the distance and saved the lives of their descendents.