Summertime

Summertime ..to me that means boogie boarding at eucalyptus beach ..taking Pacific Coast Highway to Big Sur ..and, this year ..visiting my family in Germany – 5 sisters and a brother. Means that pretty soon we’ll be sitting in beer gardens ..walking past orchards loaded with apples and pears, too small and bitter to eat ..but just right for the schnapps we drink. We’ll drive through the hops and vineyards around lake Bodensee ..take a ferry to the city of Konstanz, which is a town so old it feels medieval. We’ll also hike up Mount Pfänder (pronounced ‘fender’) ..and take the ‘tele-freak’ (cable car) back down.

Summer look

After solstice it really feels like summer. I went to the store and picked out t-shirts in every ‘cool’ color – sea green, plum, yellow and burgundy. I realize 'coolness' is a property of mind ..not color. Anyway, I also got khaki shorts, jungle fatigues and a pair of swim trunks. When I went to pay with my visa card, they told me it was ‘declined’. What ..? I paid that bill. I got on the phone and found out that my account was blocked because my card number had been stolen, along with like thousands of others, from a ‘merchant center’. OK, well ..good work, I told them ..feeling glad they had caught it in time to save my credit worthiness. Now what? The store – Eddie Bauer – issued me one of their cards. Gave me a discount as well. I thought that was pretty decent of them.

Solstice

Ahhh, craziness ..the summer solstice parade ..a day-long festival ..and a procession of humanity coming from every direction. It's put on by local artists ..not civic organizations ..so there’s no marching bands ..nothing traditional. It's a celebration of life. How pagan. How fun. This year's theme was ‘wild things’ ..which could mean anything ..and usually does ..because anybody can participate in any way they want. For instance, my neighbor walks up the street playing a trumpet ..one of my friends was one of the belly dancers ...a former coworker and his wife used to dress up like scuba divers and pull their kids up the street in wagons with water guns ..until their children grew up and thought it was silly. I buy tons of confetti eggs and hand them out to kids ..tell them it's ok to throw at their parents. For me, the best part is the 'circle of drummers' at the park ..they play a continuous African-tribal beat ..on drums from every part of the world. I join the circle of people surrounding them ..and dance to the rhythm ..until I move past self-consciousness ..and activate a part of me that moves effortlessly. Kind of like at a rock festival.

Pop culture on the brain

There are places in my head that contain the essence of people and places that really matter ..like Halle Barry, Jennifer Aniston, and the San Francisco Palace of Fine Arts. Specific areas of my brain are dedicated to recognizing these culturally significant icons. Related images have a channel-direct connection to them so that little features ..like Halle Barry’s ankle ..will instantly activate my whole concept of her. Less important things, like Brad Pitt’s new movie, do not go near the Jennifer Aniston area. Instead, they get scattered over a much wider area ..and eventually lost. Out of the millions of pieces of information passing through my puny little brain, only those that elicit interest ..and have earned a reputation for being ‘cool’ ..get special ‘sites’ reserved for them ..as well as many pathways leading to them.

Bill: is there any life in jennifer without brad ..?
Nancy: who cares ..i am so tired of her
Bill: ok, now ..who was billy bob thorton married to before?
Nancy: angelina jolie !!
Nancy: she stole him from Laura Dern and there’s a quote from her where she says she would never date a married man ..shit, Dern and he were engaged to be married ..close enough !! so, from that quote, i take it that she and pitt are an item !
Bill: brilliant deduction sherlock
Nancy: lol
Bill: lets see, you got billy bob thorton ..laura dern ..angelina jolie ..jeff goldblum ..geena davis ..brad pitt ..jennifer aniston ..nicole kidman ..katie holmes ..tom cruise ..war of the worlds ..orson wells ..widespread panic
Bill: somehow, when i think of jennifer aniston ..i don't think of Brad Pitt ..i think of lisa kudrow ..lol
Bill: and when i think of lisa kudrow ..i think of sally struthers and the children’s crusade ..or margot kidder and the psychiatric ward
Nancy: lol
Bill: i think margot was writing her biography when she began to get paranoid ..her computer contracted a virus ..she panicked ..delusions set in –she fantasized that her first husband was out to kill her, so she left home –and wound up on the streets
Bill: so now, when i think of jennifer ..i picture this homeless person with an irrational fear of brad pitt
Nancy: lol
Nancy: Didn’t they find Margot Kidder laying in someone’s backyard?br/>Bill: maybe in someone else's cardboard box
Nancy: lol
Bill: i don't think they knew who she was until they booked her into psych-central
Nancy: really ..?
Bill: yep ..
Bill: hey, you know, it’s hard for me to imagine brad pitt going for an ex of billy bob thorton
Nancy: are you kidding ..? have you seen them together in mr and mrs smith ..very beautiful
Bill: ok, but a few years ago could you have imagined brad pitt settling for billy bob’s hand-me-downs?
Nancy: LOL !!
Bill: i can just see brad pitt in an interview saying ..oh, i hang out with billy bob so i can score with the chicks he tosses my way
Nancy: BBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
Bill: do you know why her and billy bob split up ..?
Nancy: she wanted kids ... ergo, maddox !!
Bill: maddox ..?
Nancy: that is the cambodian baby boy she adopted .. now 4 ..goes with her everywhere
Bill: i see .. so, you're saying billy bob dumped her?
Bill: who is he seeing now ..? ..halle barry?
Bill: or am i getting movies mixed up with real life
Nancy: you sure are ..she was in monsters ball with him
Bill: wasn’t angelina jolie the psycho blond in 'girl interrupted' ..?
Nancy: Yes. she won an oscar for that performance !!
Bill: so ..billy bob dumped oscar winning psycho blond mrs smith bradgeline ..?
Nancy: lol
Bill: is there any life in jennifer without brad ..?
Nancy: who cares ..i am so tired of her
Bill: ok, now ..who was billy bob thorton married to before?
Nancy: angelina jolie !!
Nancy: she stole him from Laura Dern and there’s a quote from her where she says she would never date a married man ..shit, Dern and he were engaged to be married ..close enough !! so, from that quote, i take it that she and pitt are an item !
Bill: brilliant deduction sherlock
Nancy: lol
Bill: lets see, you got billy bob thorton ..laura dern ..angelina jolie ..jeff goldblum ..geena davis ..brad pitt ..jennifer aniston ..nicole kidman ..katie holmes ..tom cruise ..war of the worlds ..orson wells ..widespread panic
Bill: somehow, when i think of jennifer aniston ..i don't think of Brad Pitt ..i think of lisa kudrow ..lol
Bill: and when i think of lisa kudrow ..i think of sally struthers and the children’s crusade ..or margot kidder and the psychiatric ward
Nancy: lol
Bill: i think margot was writing her biography when she began to get paranoid ..her computer contracted a virus ..she panicked ..delusions set in –she fantasized that her first husband was out to kill her, so she left home –and wound up on the streets
Bill: so now, when i think of jennifer ..i picture this homeless person with an irrational fear of brad pitt
Nancy: lol
Nancy: Didn’t they find Margot Kidder laying in someone’s backyard?
Bill: maybe in someone else's cardboard box
Nancy: lol
Bill: i don't think they knew who she was until they booked her into psych-central
Nancy: really ..?
Bill: yep ..
Bill: hey, you know, it’s hard for me to imagine brad pitt going for an ex of billy bob thorton
Nancy: are you kidding ..? have you seen them together in mr and mrs smith ..very beautiful
Bill: ok, but a few years ago could you have imagined brad pitt settling for billy bob’s hand-me-downs?
Nancy: LOL !!
Bill: i can just see brad pitt in an interview saying ..oh, i hang out with billy bob so i can score with the chicks he tosses my way
Nancy:BBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
Bill: do you know why her and billy bob split up ..?
Nancy: she wanted kids ... ergo, maddox !!
Bill: maddox ..?
Nancy: that is the cambodian baby boy she adopted .. now 4 ..goes with her everywhere
Bill: i see .. so, you're saying billy bob dumped her?
Bill: who is he seeing now ..? ..halle barry?
Bill: or am i getting movies mixed up with real life
Nancy: you sure are ..she was in monsters ball with him
Bill: wasn’t angelina jolie the psycho blond in 'girl interrupted' ..?
Nancy: Yes. she won an oscar for that performance !!
Bill: so ..billy bob dumped oscar winning psycho blond mrs smith bradgeline ..?
Nancy: lol

Prodigy

An 8 year old boy is brought to the school psychologist. He’s a child prodigy ..plays Bach Piano Concertos from memory. His life revolves around music ..he’s incredibly focused. He practices 6 hours a day on his own ..out of sheer pleasure ..and he would play longer if his mother let him. His teachers ask all the usual questions:

'Is there any danger that he might miss out on regular childhood activities and become anti-social ..?'
'Is third grade going to interfere with his development ..?'
'Is there anything we can learn from him that might help children with attention problems ..?'

Little Jimmy sits on his hands and rocks back and forth ..he doesn’t want to be bothered by all these adult questions. "What would you rather be doing right now Jimmy?" asks the psychologist .

"Playing piano." He responds quickly.
"Ok, what’s the next best thing?"
"S O C C E R ..!" he lights up enthusiastically.
"Who is your favorite soccer player ?"
"Freddy Adu ..he’s awesome !"
"Oh yeah ..how come ?"
"Cuz his favorite movie is Fellowship of the Rings"
"Uh huh ..and what's your favorite movie?"
"Oh, the Rings, I’ve seen it millions of times ..I keep waiting for Sauron to come back *dun dun dun dun dun dun* .."

Proprioceptive Write

I resist exploring the feelings I’m left with after my father leaves. It's sensitive and hurts to touch ..which makes me feel a little bit ashamed because I think I should have gotten over them by now. Things like: I don’t think I’m good enough ..interesting enough ..or smart enough to sustain his interest ..leave me with feelings of inadequacy. I don’t think he enjoys visiting me and seems uncomfortable. I fall somewhere outside his field of interest ..not in-tune with his view of the world ..which I attribute to his depression-era, New York upbringing ..where his perceptions of the world were formed ..and serve as a point of reference ..making the things I say or do seem too West Coast and inconceivably weird ..things like journal writing and zen practice.

Gene pool

The qualities I was born with do not necessarily come from my parents ..it turns out that they could not have been ‘genetically engineered’ with much success either..not that anybody would want to try. No, life in the womb is way too volatile for that. Scientists - reporting in the journal of Nature - say they have found genes that can introduce random variation during embryonic development of the nervous system ..causing deviations from the genetic blueprint that guides the growth of the brain. Genes called ‘retro-transposons’ jump around in neural stem cells ..the cells that give rise to tissues in the brain and nervous system. Retro-transposons act to produce changes in the electro-chemical properties of nerve cells ..changing how they respond to signals ..and the way they link up to form networks. This explains why individual brains differ so much, even between identical twins ..allowing traits to vary from one generation to the next ..without waiting a millennium for some ‘cosmic mutation’ to occur. It also explains why ‘selective breeding’ for psychological traits - such as IQ or music ability - is not always a sure thing. I don't think we have to worry about creating a master race. Life defies our attempts to control these events.

The Wedge

A 2-foot wave bounces off the jetty and moves west ..not toward the shore, but alongside it. Seconds later, this wave collides at 90 degrees with another wave coming straight into shore ..now I’m inside a 6-foot barrel that’s like a rolling green room ..I shoot out in an explosion of water and foam. What a rush.. only someone who’s been there knows the feeling.

American Gothic

Bless you Mary Jesus

Oakland California may be a refugee camp for San Franciscans displaced by the Dot Com meltdow ..for Mary Jesus, it was already home. It was also sanctuary from the demons inside her head, the one’s she thought would go away when she turned 30 ..but they stayed on to torment her more. She was diagnosed with depression and borderline personality disorder ..but was fine as long as she had a place to live. When that was threatened, she lost her grip. Her apartment was in a stately old building . She refurbished the hard wood floors, hung black lace curtains, and painted her bedroom black and red, tastefully –in Japanese motif –decorated it with her own paintings ..dark, sinister expressions of death and Christian-challenging symbols. She loved the place. Even managed the building for a while ..and very effectively according to some of the tenants. She originally grew up in the goth-rock underground of Sacramento ..and continues to reject mainstream society. She wears black outfits ..black gloves, black sunglasses, black lipstick and parasol. Her friendships often ended abruptly however. Mental instability does that. Now she was being displaced by the rising tide of people displaced from San Francisco. She fighting, but the eviction proceedings are not going well. At the eviction hearing, she put on a dapper black velvet pantsuit and, without an attorney, presented her defense. She lost. Over the next two months there were a series of emergency motions for reconsideration. Twice, Mary Jesus won 30-day stays of the eviction. To pay her rent, she borrowed $900 from publisher Victor Vale, who had often encouraged her to write about her struggles.The conflict turned into despair. Mary's primal fear was homelessness. Twice, she was hospitalized at the county's psychiatric facility after exhibiting signs of extreme anxiety in court. Mary had another hearing to present new facts. But, on the morning of the scheduled eviction — she learned that she had lost her final appeal. Once again, Mary Jesus was transported to the county psychiatric hospital in restraints. She was released later that day. Returning to her apartment, she put her belongings in plastic bags and hung them as gifts on the doorknobs of neighbors ..she wrote a note, complete with court case names and numbers, and made 200 photocopies. She took the elevator to the balcony of the Tribune tower, climbed over the railing and tossed the notes to a crowd of people below. Then, to everyone’s horror, she took a deep breath ..held her nose with one hand ..raised the other in the air ..and, like a someone jumping into a pool, she plunged to her death

Things to do around Newport Beach

Have breakfast on the beach ..preferably coffee, bagels and Greek olives. Listen to Red Sparrows (the soundless dawn came ..). Plunge into cool clear morning ocean. Watch tiny little fishes swim around you. Pour on sunblock. Walk past the jetties. Watch adrenaline surf junkies at the Wedge. Eat lunch at Original Pizza. Take the ferry. See your kid sister ....and her kids. Watch the waves break like little white lines pouring out of the pitch black night sky. Feel them pound the sand underneath your butt. Feel glad.

Chatting with Anna

Anna Palmer

Anna: any time i need to see your face ..i just close my eyes and i am taken to a place ..where your crystal mind and magenta feelings ..take up shelter in the base of my spine ..sweet like a chic-a-cherry cola.
Bill: lets see, that sounds like, uhhh ..savage garden !
Anna: lol of course.
Anna: how have you been doing?
Bill: simply wonderful ..
Anna: thats great!
Anna: mmm mentos. these are addicting ya know!
Bill: yes, but so refreshing
Anna: lol
Bill: what flavor is your mouth ..?
Anna: mmmint
Bill: that’ll clear your head ..lol
Anna: yes ..it does
Bill: mr sun is out ..shining all over me
Anna: freaky enough, he's shining over here too ..go figure.
Bill: what a sneaky dude that guy is
Anna: very
Bill: never know when he's gonna show ..
Anna: my shoulder hurts... i think i slept on it funny-ly.
Bill: which is better than sleeping on it serious-ly,
Anna: are you mocking me?! lol
Bill: i don’t know ..does it hurt funny ..?
Anna: lol yes. it hurts funny.
Anna: lalalala i feel like dancing
Bill: *takes anna by the hand and dances*
Anna: *is dancing*
Bill: *blares the music and swoops*
Anna: i've got 462 pageviews!!!
Bill: ok, but i viewed about, oh uh ..450 times ..lol
Anna: lol
Bill: ..and i'll keep on viewing
Anna: yay!
Bill: until my vision goes blurry
Anna: lol

Holographic interface

Hasn’t the technology of ‘virtual reality’ come far enough so that I don’t have to hear the same: “yo ho yo ho ..a pirates life for me” every time I go to Disneyland ? In the 1970’s, they were able to project holograms on vapor and show ghosts zooming around the haunted mansion. When is the next generation going to arrive where holograms can respond to my actions, like interactive ether. I want rides that simulate intergalactic battles against virtual storm troopers or the forces of the evil Emperor Zurg –where I determine the outcome of events without following the same old script. If they can put simulator technology in the software that powers the Internet ..why not push it beyond the conventional Graphical User Interface (GUI) and into three-dimensional space ..where, instead of ‘point and click’ ..I can ‘aim and shoot’.

Walking meditation

I'm paying attention to the meditation of the trail ..watching the earth roll by underneath my foot steps..it’s not a smooth ride ..things jump, rock and roll as they go by ..following the rhythm of my stride - I think, perhaps, the shock absorbers of my senses may be shot.

Other world

I create a mental instance of my mother, saying “Don’t you think it would be a nice idea to help your neighbor ..?” I create an mental instance of myself saying, “No, I'm gonna' write.” Another 'instance' of myself pleads. "No more boring old nature crap, please" I suddenly see images of people in my workshop looking at me and asking themselves .. “is he gonna write more boring old nature crap today ?” My mind drifts ..my heart warms to memories of Santa Cruz ..following the woodsy trails through Lorenzo park ..walking past the street musicians on Pacific avenue ..eating hot soup at New Leaf ..always looking for Pergolesi’s Cafe. Sometimes I feel more at home in these ‘instances’ than I do sitting on my own patio. I live in a world displaced by thoughts and images ..disconnected from things as they are ..I wrap it in an layer of concepts and ideas ..always looking for the right words to replace what’s in front of me ..carrying them around ..hoping others will understand and validate me. Seems like such a waste of time. Thoughts shoot by ..faint recollections of things I’ve read ..warnings of things to come ..not one worth stopping to explore. I woke up this morning to the same chaos that began with the big bang. I’m sitting on a coastal plain ..slouching towards the sea ..listening to the echoes of dinosaurs in the songs of birds singing in the trees –writing more boring crap in obscure metaphors and tortured syntax .

Mean streets

I woke up feeling rundown and mean. Went down for my morning coffee and ginseng ..but that didn’t help. I set up the deck furniture .. cursing at myself for being clumsy. Nothing’s falling into place. I change the newspaper at the bottom of my ‘birdcage’ porch ..cursing at the birds. I tell myself to relax ..otherwise, things seem worse. Doesn't stop me from wanting to scream at Don’s wife tho – tell her to quit turning their side of the creek into an English garden ..because once she got on my case for chopping down a eucalyptus tree. So, I’ve never learned her name ..and, hey ..it’s her property, live and let live, whatever, blah blah. Better to sit here and say nothing if I don’t have anything nice to say. I get the same gut-wrenching reaction to this mornings’ news ..I write the usual unprintable letters to the editor ..then put my legs up on a chair and begin dozing in front of my laptop. My neighbor Don shouts across the creek: “Don’t work so hard Bill ..!” I wake up startled. My initial reaction is to correct the misconception that I'm working hard. Then I realize he's joking ..then I answer back with something like: “Can’t you see the pressure I'm under here ? ”

Crash

Am I being poisoned by the weed killer across the creek ..or the fumigation across the street ? Maybe that’s what’s making me feel rundown and low ..but I don’t really know. Blurry spots drift by my field of vision ..and gently fall to the computer keys ..it looks like soot but I know it’s all in my eyes. Yesterday I hiked for 6 hours ..my longest time so far this year. It was a strenuous hike too ..30 minutes up to APS and ‘Sylvan Park' ..my first stop .. where I practice deep breathing exercises for 5 minutes. Up the steps to Mission Ridge, like climbing a stadium, where I breath for 5 minutes on a stone bench. Following the trail to ‘Franceschi park lookout’ ..I sit in my ‘hideaway’ and breath again. I climb some more and go around the bend ..stopping at ‘Stillness field’, with its Zen-like rock garden ..where I breath again. Loop around the hilltop on a shady country lane ..then drop down Arbolado way. I’ve been told that walking downhill teaches your legs how wide they can stride. So, I concentrate on stretching my legs and taking big steps. I know it looks funny. Crash ~ my motor coordination is off today ..as well as my equilibrium ..I fumble with the breakfast plates ..I stumble around the deck setting up table and chairs ..I catch myself by grabbing hold of the umbrella pole ..or hitting the fence, then the door-frame ..kinda’ like a bumper car.

Cosmos

Voyager One has reached the edge of our solar system ..it's in a region called the ‘heliosphere’ ..where tiny particles of the sun collide with the gasses of outer space. It’s a brutal place that’s continually expanding, contracting, rippling and shaking ..if you go there, expect a bumpy ride. Like a kid, I’m still fascinated by high-flying objects ..the borders of outer space ..and the edges of consciousness. If you don’t know enough about something, like, let say ..embryonics, is it better to explore further ..or back away ? Since Bush doesn’t appear to be very near the mainstream of modern science ..maybe he should back away and leave questions like this to the scientific community. I mean, doesn’t the business community also feel this way about government interference ..?

NeuroJournal

The networks of my mind feel sluggish today ..like they do whenever I try to connect them myself ..and put together a coherent narrative. It feels like I’m interfering with the natural, effortless flow of thought. I see fleeting networks of text fire while I read the paper ..only to disappear in an instant ..unless I intervene to make them persist ..extending them with reactions and opinions ..adding relevance and the weight of feeling ..like how does this information fit in with my plans to speak and sound ‘smart' at the computer club next week ..? I feel like I’m writing from my head too much ..so, I turn my attention to the senses ..see what they have to say. A strong, cold wind continues to blow by ..rattling the leaves of the trees ..while I hunker down in the warm and cozy shelter of my niche outside. I suddenly realize there’s a storm approaching ..because I remember the weather reports I heard last night ..connecting the gust of wind in front of me with something bigger, and more sinister somewhere out to sea ..resonating mind ..bringing me back into my head again.

Buzz

i feel kinda' restless today ..buzzed on caffeine and ginseng ..i'm somewhere between reading the paper ..watering the garden ..chatting online with sister nancy ..scanning the entertainment pages ..seeing what’s showing .. ‘cinderella man’ and ‘saving face’ –hmmm, i always like a come-out-of-nowhere indie flick ..surfing the net trying to find other books by cynthia morgan ..I guess stories about the adventures of marijuana farming have fallen out of favor these days –must be so low down the google hit-list of 500,000 ..i can’t see it. OK, should i take the train to orange county and see ‘saving face’ with nancy? now that sounds like an act of courage ..a headlong rush into the orange crush on a holiday weekend ..no, better to just sit here on the deck and feel the breeze with quan yin. soothe my restless soul. sure is cold out here tho ..I don’t think the sun is ever gonna break through the morning fog ..maybe it’ll slip underneath around sunset.

walls

the same
high walls
city streets
narrow avenues
shops and
alleyways
pass me by
on either side

i walk up
a dry river bed
quarreling with
people inside my head

some say
i'm ok
others say
i'm pissing my life away

my stomach burns
like an adrenaline drip
sending fumes to my chest
choking off my breath

no matter how far I go
every night, every day
these walls surround me
and i can’t get away

Chat

Bill: GOOD MORNIN’ SISTER MORPHIN’ ..!!
Nancy: LOL
Nancy: has Alicia Keys performed at the bowl yet ?
Bill: That is a positive ..last Tuesday
Nancy: and did you get to hear her?
Bill: only a smidgen, because I was watching the country music awards
Nancy: oh, that’s right !!
Bill: I watched them set up the stage tho ..but her tour bus wasn't there yet
Bill: and that's about as close as I’ll ever get ..lol
Bill: but I'm waiting for the day they invite me inside the bus ..
Nancy: LOL
Bill: and Alicia tells me to wait backstage
Bill: i'm also waiting for the day Melissa Etheridge performs here
Bill: or Charlize Theron winds up homeless here
Bill: or Hilary Swank starts working out at my gym
Bill: or Kate Beckinsale's boat comes sailing in
Bill: what was your question ..?
Bill: and when is Rene Zellweger gonna lose that deadbeat country singer?
Bill: I guess the real question is ..what dreams haven’t I been having ..lol
Bill: I was wondering, do Ellen Degeneres and Portia di Rossi get along ok?
Bill: or are they getting tired of that 'gay thang’ ..lol
Nancy: LOL
Bill: hey, mother always told me to aim high ..dream the impossible dream
Bill: how's business at the crack house next-door ..?
Bill: still keeping the books .?
Bill: what ever you do ..keep the disks ..they'll be worth a fortune in extortion

Quan Yin

Quan Yin is the Buddhist Bodhisattva of Great Compassion. She is not an external deity, but represents the compassion in everyone. In one hand, she holds a lotus flower, in the other, a vase of water. She is often shown pouring the water from the vase ..showering all living beings and awakening the spirit of compassion.

Lady Anna

Proprioceptive Write

Feeling my breath ..is it too shallow ? Breathing deeper ..filling my belly ..lifting my chest ..holding it ..then letting go ..releasing the grip I have on my thoughts and expressions. I feel my breath rise and fall again ..I try loosening my jaw ..maybe that will help the words come out more easily. Birds singing ..train whistling ..bringing me back to my senses ..the music inside fades ..making room for the next tune. Thoughts and images come and go ..the gym yesterday ..what I'm planning to do tomorrow ..in between there is a feeling of sadness. Where does that come from ? A bunch of possibilities present themselves for consideration. Fear of loneliness ..fear of living unfulfilled ..fear of getting involved ..then disappointing someone else. I tell myself to be comfortable with myself. There's no angel coming to release me from the karma I'm in ..just more numbness from the barriers that I keep around me. Visions of my mother sitting alone ..content and smiling. There weren't too many moments like that. A lot more trauma. Had numb relief taken over ? Thinking about it brings tears to my eyes ..and I ask myself ..am I doomed to re-enact it ?

Uncle John

Uncle John and his wife Carmen came up today. He’s not really my uncle ..and everybody calls him ‘Jack’ ..but ‘Uncle John’s Band’ is one of my favorite songs and Jack is one of my favorite people ..so, there you go. Today they are a ‘couple on vacation’ ..no hurries. We sit and talk ..drinking iced tea and beer on the pier’. They both like to read and say they do it a lot. That doesn’t surprise me though ..I always remember Uncle John with a book in his hand. He was the one who read passages out loud from Khalil Gibran during acid trips in the desert. Now they read English Literature –mostly mysteries and detective stories. Thomas Merton is on Carmen’s list of people to read next. Uncle John gets up around 4 a.m. every morning to be at a job site that could be anywhere in Southern Cal –like the Port of Los Angeles or Saint Mary’s Hospital in Long Beach. He’s a field supervisor and says he enjoys the challenge of dealing with new situations all the time ..I’m not sure Carmen likes him so far from home though. But that’s conjecture on my part. He’s still good natured and easy-going ..I don’t think much bothers him and I can’t recall ever seeing him angry. He looks both solid and flexible. Like an Oak. They like El Capitan and go camping there regularly ..except this year. Instead, they are going to drive up to Cloverdale and visit the Hay’s. “Little John is a seven year old boy in the body of a twenty year old” says Carmen. “He loves structure and routine” says Jack ..first he makes his bed ..then washes the dishes ..followed by the laundry –and pizza on Friday. He also likes computer games and karate –oh, and riding a bicycle ..especially in the morning at El Capitan ..with his father. When I think back, Jack was always a morning person –says that’s when it feels the freshest. I think it’s interesting that Little John has a strong sense of order ..hmmm, karate requires so much discipline and concentration. I wonder if he’s able to see things to completion. Probably so. Carmen says he’s getting better. Everybody finds a way.