Courage to be you (Esalen workshop)

best short clip on the subject ..definitely worth seeing ..!!!

 

Esalen (day five)

“There was a wicked messenger
From Eli he did come
With a mind that multiplied
The smallest matter.” Bob Dylan. 

Mary shows us how we live on a ‘spectrum of activation’ ..and that people spend most of their waking hours in the cautious zone (the yellow zone), which comes as a surprise to all of us. She refers to this as ‘being vigilant’, which she says is a good thing. It tells us when to stop (and enter the red zone) or when to go (and enter the green zone). Too much time in the red zone means being pre-disposed to doing nothing ..and too much time in the green zone means allowing events to zoom by without regard for where they’re heading. Sophia struggles with this, asking how ‘vigilance’ can be good thing “..isn’t there a fine line between vigilance and hyper-vigilance?” Feeling smart, because I think I finally caught-on to what Mary is saying, I jump in with something I think may be helpful. I suggest to Sophia that maybe it’s not a fine-line that separates vigilance from hyper-vigilance but a range or spectrum instead. Perhaps hyper-vigilance means living too much in the red zone where it suppresses needful activity. Now I hear my voice trailing-off into uncertainly .. hoping either Sophia or Mary will say something to help rehabilitate me ..and thinking ‘mindfulness’ may have been a better word, and so on. However, Sophia quickly nods her head in agreement, saying “..of course” and Mary lets it pass ..and I’m left here sitting, thinking “who do I think I am, chief semanticist ..splitting hairs over a choice of words” and feeling somewhat less than helpful. Even now, the fact that this is what I remember to write about tells me how cautious I can be even after the fact ..looking back and ruminating over an instance that went largely unnoticed and has been pretty much forgotten by everyone (including Sophia) ..seems pretty fucking useless. Oh well oh well.

That’s why I’m reminded of the lyric by Dylan quoted above. I interpret Eli to mean the high priest and judge that sits inside my head; and rumination to be the part of my mind that multiplies the smallest matter.

Esalen (day five)

 I want to scream but I duck-out of the workshop instead. Perhaps it’s to avoid dealing with my own issues but there’s a dialogue going around and around, without resolution. Why resolution is important to me right now I have no idea. 

Ken: If I don’t make these changes right away ..I feel like I won’t make them at all. But I know it would be irresponsible for me to just quit and leave (talking about changing jobs and moving away from a painful situation). 

Mary: well, you don’t have to do these things right away ..that would be acting impulsively, which is what’s gotten you into trouble in the past ..right? (referring to infidelity and resulting divorce). 

Ken: yeah but, unless I do it right away ..I’ll lose the sense of urgency I need to do it at all. 

Me: are you saying you can’t do things unless you feel a sense of urgency? 

Ken: that’s right. I usually need a feeling of urgency to get things done.

Mary: think you can plan to make changes while it still feels urgent ..then proceed with deliberation? You know, I have this saying by Winston Churchill posted in the hall outside my home-office. It goes: “stay calm ..carry on.” 

Ken: yeah but, events in my life will overtake that and other tasks will become more urgent the way they always do. 

Mary: isn’t relief from suffering urgent enough?

Ken: yeah, but I only feel that way here ..back home I’ll spiral back into the life I’m used to. 

Now I feel like screaming. I know that I’m working through Ken because what I hear him saying is something I recognize in myself. I often wait until things become urgent before doing them. However, I also know the painful consequences of procrastination. I want to say something that’ll help. However, it’s beginning to sound like a circular argument and the phrase: “spiral down ..forget about carrying on” is running through my head. Instead of saying anything, I duck outside for awhile. It helps me clear the mental chatter going on inside my head and lessens my compulsion to jump-in and try to help ‘resolve matters’ ..which is usually no help at all.

(posted November 2nd at UC Santa Cruz)

Esalen (day four)

To the mats ..

I’m laying on my back while Joy and Marie are massaging me ..Marie from my head down ..Joy from my feet up. My eyes are closed while Mary gently guides us: “Be aware of your breath ..see who comes into view ..who is it that you feel you want to talk to right now.” Many people flash by ..then I see my dad come into the foreground while others fade into the background. His presence stays. Next I hear Mary say: “Imagine a specific place where you can sit down ..look them in the eyes and, out loud ..tell them what it is you want to say to them ..what it is you are feeling.”I sit with him in his Tucson studio and say:

“Dad, I was at that place you refer to as ‘that place you like to go’ (Esalen). However, right now it doesn’t sound as dismissive as before ..more like an acknowledgment of something I like to do ..a recognition of how I feel. Makes me feel good. I don’t know why I ever expected more. I want to say that I appreciate you remembering what I like. Thank you. I also want to thank you for giving me life ..twice. Once when I was conceived, of course ..then again when I was eighteen and lost. You paved the way for me to go to the university, where I felt most at-home. Now I recognize that, what I once perceived as disinterest in what I was doing ..was actually non-interference with what I was doing. I know how much you value individuality. You were allowing me to ‘be my own man’. Not telling me what you expected me to be. Now I see that as a gift to be cherished. Thank you, dad ..I love you.”

Tears of joy are streaming down my face ..
 

(posted November 1st at UC Santa Cruz)

Esalen (day one)

Ken is from New York. Says that tonight’s activity was “..way too West Coast” for him. Thought he could be just an observer. Says he’s unsure if he can participate in the workshop this way. Mary asks what bothered him about tonight’s activity. He says he doesn’t know. Mary suggests that maybe he’s afraid. Ken says he guesses so. The instructions were to scan the room, then when Mary says “go” ..walk over to someone, take their hand and sit down with them. Everybody (including myself) reads way too much into these simple instructions. Some of us wander confused ..especially when the one we had chosen ..gets taken. Mary never said we couldn’t be a “threesome”. I read “form a couple” ..with all its connotations. I chose another wanderer ..Brita. Next we’re revealing something about ourselves to each other. I forget what I said, but I remember what Brita said. She lives in Big Sur, works at Esalen as a bodyworker and does whatever else she can to contribute. She also has a job in Monterey. I forget what. I also met my roommate, Michael, this evening. He’s on a month-long retreat ..with weekends free. This week he’s hiking with Steven Harper’s group. He’s from Toronto.

(posted October 31st at UC Santa Cruz)

Beauty of uncertainty

based on a study showing what happens when we discount the surprise value of unexpected events ~> [link]

Network communication theory

I have a theory that says whenever messages are transmitted between people in different locations; the accuracy of communication drops by 60%. I call it the ‘displacement theory of communication’ and it's an extension of findings in the field of human information-processing [link].

This drop in communication is wide-scale and can occur anywhere from cell phones to air traffic control systems. Messages are by nature incomplete and often assume knowledge of local conditions that aren’t available to the receiver. Without exacting protocols, like those developed in the air traffic control industry, incomplete messages are at best probabilistic and rely on the receiver to supply the most likely meaning intended. Since this is an innate function of human information-processing; it can happen quickly and imperceptibly. When it does, we are prone to making overconfident and faulty decisions about the most likely meaning intended. It has long been know that the most frequent decision we make during conversation is about the intention of others .. it’s also the one we get wrong most often. So, facebook users and text messagers ..beware! We are making the rules up as we go.

Deceptive advertsing

Response to an article in the LA Times titled~>

[FBI says Iran planned to attack Washington]

“Iran’s military elite hired members of a Mexican drug cartel to assassinate a Saudi ambassador in Washington DC” all I have to do is read this statement out loud and it comes across sounding pretty ludicrous. 

I can’t believe an elite military force in Iran would be foolish enough to hire a Mexican drug cartel to pull-off an assassination of this magnitude. First, it’s not in the interest of the cartel whose biggest concern is safeguarding the cash-flow they earn from smuggling drugs – covertly – into the US. They’re hardly known for political assassinations outside of Mexico where it’s ordinarily done to protect smuggling operations. Second, why would a drug cartel, with profits estimated in the billions, be interested in earning a few extra bucks by detonating a bomb inside Washington DC ..? They risk blowing their cover and incurring the wrath of the US, which is where their business interests lie. I don’t believe they care a whole heck of a lot about relations between Iran and Saudi Arabia. What I do suspect, however, is the intention of the US government. It gives them a good cover story for bombing Iranian nuclear power plants, something which Saudi Arabia has been expressing a great deal of interest in lately.

Iran-Contra Affair

Conspiracy theorist that I am ..why do I feel like I’m the last to know this. Looking back, it seems painfully obvious to me that the Iran-Contra affair had nothing to do with selling arms for hostages. That was a cover. It had everything to do with selling drugs for guns and money to support the Contras. A hostage exchange just sounds a lot more patriotic in the advent the operation was uncovered, which it was. The Contras were trying to overthrow the communist regime in Nicaragua. Turns out the U.S. National Security Council was allowing drug traffickers to sell their wares (in this case cocaine) to distributors in the U.S. in exchange for guns and money to support the Contras. As long as the proceeds were being funneled to the Contras, the U.S. State Department and DEA were willing to let the shipments flow. Police departments in both San Diego and Los Angeles can attest to this. Their efforts to investigate and arrest smugglers were repeatedly obstructed by the DEA [link].

Steve Jobs

It’s not a new management technique suitable for indoctrination. He was an old-school authoritarian. His message was simply to stay open, receptive and enthusiastic about new ideas in whatever field is closest to your heart. He chose to promote the right idea for software engineering. He invested in Mitch Kapor’s open architecture, which is component-based and extendable. Qualities that got it on the net (as apps) ..then on mobile platforms (as smartphones). Component-based software development is more toy-like and fun ..and it adapts easily to different platforms. The idea is, you don’t change components that already work, you pull them out of a library then adopt them to do whatever you want by creating an interface-component. Kind of like tinker-toys. Component-based software runs simulator-like (as it does at Pixar) - simulating things like an exchange floor with buyers, sellers, transactions and shipping methods (think Amazon). His message was to be open-minded, observe how things work in nature and real-world systems ..then double-down on technology that mimics those observations. That’s the best bet for future innovation.

distorted perception

In 1984, scientists looking for ways to treat glaucoma, produced synthetic cannabinoids in order to avoid violating anti-marijuana laws. This lead to the production of over 460 different kinds of cannabinoid compounds. These compounds were used to study receptors in the brain involved with pain and inflammation. Their formulas were published in scientific journals, which is necessary for peer-review. Now, enterprising home-chemists can produce these compounds and sell them on the street. Drugs like ‘spike’ or ‘K-2’ go for around $25 to $30 a gram. They are 10 times more potent than marijuana but, unlike marijuana ..dangerous. They can produce hallucinations, paranoia and convulsions followed by emergency room doctors. I guess what I’m trying to say is that, out of one misguided law ..there are now 460 compounds that the DEA has to investigate and outlaw. It’s an enormous task. In the last 20 years, they’ve only been able to list 5 as schedule-1 drugs, which means illegal to sell or possess. Now they want to pin the blame on the retired chemist from Clemson who produced a lot of these synthetic cannabinoids. I guess it’s human nature to forget our own contributions to present-day fiasco. Good luck boys.

anti anxiety

“With the ideal comes the actual 

like two arrows in mid-air ..they meet” ~ Sandokai 

What does this have to say about stress and anxiety ..? The odds of events meeting our ideals are about as likely as two arrows meeting in mid-air. At the local-level, what we think people should do or say is an ideal ..what follows is the actual. Like arrows in mid-air, they seldom meet. At the neural-level, when events don’t meet our expectations, an orienting response is triggered. Pupils dilate ..light intensifies ..sounds get amp’d ..muscle tone increases ..acetylcholine is released .. blood vessels constrict and blood pressure rises ..all in a fraction of an instance. The orienting response is meant to be transitory. It should subside once dissimilarities are found to be non-threatening. But when the incidence of dissimilarity occurs too often, and the orienting response doesn’t get a chance to recover ..it becomes chronic. You experience a constant sense of vigilance both mentally and viscerally, which is similar to what someone with PTSD suffers. It takes a toll. There are many reasons for experiencing a higher incidence of dissimilarity. I have a theory that highlights one possibility: memory becomes scripted with age and repetition [link]. Many of our old views of the world simply don’t match present-day reality anymore. However, we persist. This leads to a false sense of knowing and anticipating what comes next. However, what comes next is never certain ..only imagined. Anticipation-fueled imagination is a vicious cycle that leads to more frequent experiences of dissimilarity between the imagined and the actual. I believe it results in the chronic anxiety and pervasive feeling of dissatisfaction I often see in people my age.

coastal zone

A wave curls, topples and breaks overhead. I pop out the backside and lie on my back floating in its wake. It's like looking through a fishbowl, I see blue sky above with eucalyptus trees and ocean spray bobbing around the periphery. Two pelicans pass overhead leaving behind a trail of mental-chatter. “Predators of the sea ..I wonder if they can see their prey or do they sense them some other way ..and why can’t I do that ..and why do I always ask the same questions ..?” “Ungrounded” is how my father would answer. “Totally impractical and too childish to even consider.” His voice reminds me to return to the present ..he’s not here now. A swell passes, lifting me in the air as it goes. Now I’m upright and definitely tuned to the present. A wall of water is approaching. I burst into action and try to match its speed. It picks me up and drops me ..the momentum of the fall helping me stay ahead of the break. I may not be able to ride the airwaves ..but I can ride ocean waves like a fish, or a seal, or even better ..like a dolphin! Yeah, a dolphin ..that’s the ticket. They’re always smiling ..disarming looking and fun. Now I don’t care how childish I sound.

transformation cycle

Dr George, professor of ‘lifespan development’, can identify what year you graduated from high school during a 20-minute interview while blindfolded. Clues? Verbal expressions, vocabulary, explanatory-style, values, ideals, etc. “..basically, it’s recognizing what’s in focus and what’s on the periphery of their narrative. Tells you what cohort they belong to.” What’s a cohort ..? “A cohort is a group of people who pass through periods of historical and social change at around the same age. As a result, they experience these events during the same period of development. People who were in their adolescence when 9/11 occurred for example, or those who were coming-of-age while fighting in Iraq. It makes a difference in the way they express themselves and how they explain current events. Their narrative is an interaction between lifespan-development and socio-cultural development.” He says, however, if college was a transformational experience .. they’re not so easily pegged. “It’s a game changer” Why’s that ..? “Because it sets in motion a transformation-cycle that follows them throughout life. Like recurring periods of renewal ..they shed what’s out-of-date and adapt more contemporary elements to their narrative. In other words, they periodically cover their tracks.”

Reading behavior

When I make a conscious effort, I can kind of catch a glimpse of whatever’s going on inside my head that helps me grasp the meaning of what I’m reading and relate it to other things I know about. It may be part of my training, but ..what I’m seeing is not unique to me. It is a process that’s common to everyone. It’s universal. It’s been observed and documented by linguists all over the world. As I read, I’m building an ‘event-chain’. An event-chain is made up of information from prior-sentences, which I get from working-memory, and prior-experience, which I get from long-term memory. When I read about the rebel invasion of Tripoli this week, I immediately built a relatively simple event-chain based on a limited set of events stored in long-term memory. It looked something like this:

However, as I read further ..I discovered this was not the case. The invasion was the result of Kadafi’s own undoing. Now my event-chain looks something like this:

Suddenly NATO air strikes don’t seem quite so important anymore. My first reading was in error. It doesn’t take into account a whole heap of events I didn’t know about. My second event-chain probably doesn’t either. However, I still come away with the feeling that I’m sufficiently informed, which leads me to another observation: I resist yielding to the probability of the unknown, which is always greater than what I can fit into an event-chain. However, an event-chain is about all that I can fit into my pea-brain.

natural born killer

Susan has an adversarial relationship with the natural surroundings we live in. It’s a beast that needs taming. She began ripping out the periwinkle and nasturtiums that covered the slope above the creek. I stopped her before she ripped out the native plants along the banks. Got a stink-eye for that. Then she began planting ‘posies’, which didn’t take but contributed to the sudden death of an oak tree [link]. Next, she decided do have an olive tree removed. Her husband actually cried when he noticed it missing. She claimed the tree-guy must have made a mistake so they took him to court ..and lost. Fewer trees made them more visible from my side of the creek. She felt this was an invasion of privacy and told me about her plans to plant a bamboo ‘wall’ along the property line. “I don’t want people trespassing around here anymore, Bill” she said. What she really meant was “I don’t want you to be able to see us anymore, Bill.” I talked to Dr Jones and he nipped that in the bud (long story). The next three years she spent battling with another neighbor who had built a small stone wall nearby, which I thought fit-in well with the surroundings. It was a vicious battle, which she eventually lost and had to pay somewhere around $250,000 in court cost (hers and theirs). It fouled the atmosphere enough to where the neighbor moved out ..which Susan considered a victory [link]. Now she’s looking in my direction again and plans to build an extension of the former neighbors’ wall along our property line. However, she wants to build it higher so it’ll act as a retaining wall and she can create a level yard out of the slope. I mentioned what a major feat of engineering that would be and this time I got the evil-eye. I quickly walked over to see Dr Jones who monitors building permits. If she starts building without a permit, the City will stop her. If she applies for a permit, Dr Jones and the other residents will counter and the City will nip that in the bud as well. Then I’m afraid I’ll see her sitting across the creek, in an Adirondack chair, staring at me with a blunderbuss on her lap.

Charlie

Sitting on the deck sharing a bowl with Charlie. I’ve always felt safe doing this even though I don’t have a medical marijuana card. My neighbors aren’t that close, and besides ..they’re pretty cool. I haven’t met the new neighbors across the creek yet. When I mention this to Charlie ..he freaks. Now he’s imagining a surveillance operation and starts outlining a plan in the almost-certain event that they start to move in on us. “We can hurdle a wall or two ..carjack Richard’s SUV ..drive to the harbor ..commandeer a boat ..sail out into the channel ..then head for open seas. It should work.” “Why would they have us under surveillance, Charles?” He looks at me in disbelief and explains how it’s not uncommon for con men to infiltrate the police department to enrich themselves by taking advantage of asset-forfeiture laws. While I don’t disagree about asset-forfeiture laws ..I tell him I think it’s a bit of a stretch in my case. Now he’s looking at me like you would a naïve child. “Bill, you really outta’ get a medical marijuana card ..save us both a lot of aggravation.” I’m not the one who’s aggravated, but I don’t say anything. Charlie’s not just a conspiracy theorist ..he’s a true believer ..and he’s definitely one to act on his beliefs. Paranoia has always been his default response.

Coastal zone

The ocean is olive-green with a soft silvery glow where the sun is absorbed (not reflected) by the surface. There’s a strong northwest swell but mostly small mushy waves. So I’m swimming just outside them. I run into Barb on the beach where she’s preparing for her regular swim out to the shipping lanes. I sit with Joanne and her son Ryan and share a couple mouthfuls of sushi rolled in seaweed. Ryan is 6-years old and just finished surf-camp. He likes to tell people he’s part Cherokee. He already looks like a California surfer with thick blond hair, dusty tan and cool Oakley shades. He goes and grabs his boogie board and I take him out and launch him on the waves. He rides them into shore and quickly paddles back into position ..where I launch him again. Says he likes the feeling of bobbing up and down in the water. “So do I ..” I tell him.

clearlessness

I wipe off the lenses of my senses. Sure enough, there’s a multilevel interchange of butterflies zipping around the creek. Birds eat olives from the trees on the other side and spit them out on the deck ..and me. More ingenious ones drop hard breadcrumbs into a bird-feeder so they’ll be soft enough to eat. My neighbor Don is following orders from his wife and clearing the back-forty. I’m sitting here trying to make sense of the news. A feeling of frustration is gnawing at me ..not sure where it’s coming from. Possibly the remnants of yesterdays’ fiasco. The radio operators in the canyon are disrupting wireless connections and pissing off the notebook PC operators. I don’t see a ‘civil’ solution. Hoping there’s a technical solution that’s just not apparent to me. My brain feels as small as a pea this morning.

Katy Perry

I finish running and climbing the steps at the HS football stadium. It’s almost sunset. I can hear Katy Perry at the bowl singing loud and clear. I climb the last set of steps, catch my breath while walking down a passageway ..and run into Alex and Jose. We sit in the stands and share some herb. They’re compañeros from the local Hispanic community who haven’t heard anything by Katy Perry before, unless it was by accident ..like tonight. They’re just hanging out. Occasionally they hear a tune they recognize ..only because it’s by somebody else. They are Snoop Dog fans. To me she sounds like a cheerleader at high amplitude ..but I’m really too stoned to say. I’m just gonna’ enjoy. Jose tells me it’s strong stuff. They can’t believe how long I hold it in for. Turns out Alex and Jose are eighteen, recent graduates of the high school ..and the only time that they ever leave the East side is to go fishing on the wharf. They say they’ve heard of ‘Goleta pier’ and might go looking for it some day. They’re not sure which direction it’s in. I tell them it’s north of here and that they might want to checkout the pier at Refugio too. “Wherezzat ..?” “Farther north ..” but I might have well said “ ..on the moon.” I remind myself that these kids occupy a shorter space-time narrative (God am I stoned). Now I’m being extra careful not to sound snobbish. I do suggest that they get out more. “Oh yeah ..like, where, man ..?” Head north ..like San Luis Obispo. Jose says he’s heard of it. I tell them there are youth hostels along the coast highway where they can stay really cheap. They go “yeah ..where at, man ..?” I’m about to suggest they try Googling it but stop when I realize how pointess that’d be. They already told me they don’t have Internet. I almost asked them for their email addresses too. I’m really stoned and having difficulty shifting perspectives. I can’t think of anything to say that might work so I write down the words ‘youth hostel’ on a cup and tell them to ask around ..the way I used to find things out when I was their age.

Cyber space junkies

The Internet extends the information-processing capability of the brain. Like having remote sensors, we’re presented with images of events and people streaming-in from all corners of the globe at a much faster clip. The Internet puts previews of coming attractions in front of you like never before with a wider range of unfiltered choices to select from. If you want freedom of choice ..you got it in spades. If making choices is difficult, it’s like drinking water from a fire-hose. But if you’re an information-junkie like me ..you feel like a kid in a candy store. Cyberspace is a simulation of our social sphere ..it portrays an exchange of people, information and ideas. It is also an extension of the ego ..it reflects our efforts at impression-formation. It has the ability to re-enact prior exchanges .. like the ruminating part of the brain. However, when it performs this act ..it does so in front of a large audience. Helps not to be squeamish about getting your lines wrong.

Dr Gene

Dr Gene tells me that the U.S. debt-debate is a red-herring. “It’s a distraction from what’s really happening to the economy,” he says. “The S&P didn’t downgrade our credit rating because of the level of the debt ..it was in response to political gridlock. We’ve had federal deficits throughout history ..especially during wartime ..and the markets didn’t suffer because of it.” He believes that the debt-level is modest and probably even necessary given current economic conditions. So, what’s the problem..? “I believe it’s really bad timing on the part of republicans to be asserting political ideology right now ..that and the President failing to assert his powers of office. He could have easily raised the federal debt in time to meet it’s obligations. The 14th amendment allows him to do that without approval from congress. You see. Bill ..it’s not the size of the debt, it’s the government not making payment on the debt that shakes up foreign investors, S&P and the folks on Wall Street.”

New tune

Sovereignty for sale

They say the worst thing you can do in an economic crises is panic. However, it’s kinda’ hard not to when I’m sitting here with a sliding sensation in my gut, like the wheels of my car have lost traction on an icy road. Only I’m not in a car, I’m sitting at my desk. They say that the world’s largest communist country, China, has now become the world’s biggest creditor. This, in turn, gives them the right to demand the U.S. surrender it’s military and social programs that are putting the value of their biggest asset at risk .. U.S. Treasury bonds and other dollar-backed securities. I think it’s time for me to make an appointment to see Dr. Gene.

a wheel inside a wheel

I’m walking over to the high-school athletic fields nearby when I run into my neighbor Ron. I say hello how are you and stuff, and he says “fine ..the same old thing as yesterday and the day before. ” I detect a hint of discontent. My first reaction is to try and counter this by suggesting it’s something we all have in common. “Well then, I’m catching you at a moment when I, too, am doing the same old thing as yesterday and the day before.” He shakes his head in agreement (?) ..which looks more like weariness. I figure there must be something else going on and tell myself not to counter whatever that might be. Neither of us really have time to talk right now, so I just go “You know Ron, it’s alright ..the world is a cycle.” He looks at me while taking a hit off his cigarette. I don’t know why, but I’ve got this urge to continue. “I’m following a cycle of going to the track, which means running in circles, which are made up of tiny cycles of intense respiration” I laugh and go “if my senses didn’t re-cycle themselves periodically ..I’d experience white-out.” Now he’s walking away, looking at me out of the corner of his eye and going “yeah, right ..” like he’s heard that one before. Now I’m wondering if I didn’t just repeat a cycle of bullshit that I mistake for reassurance ..but is really the start of another cycle of avoidance. Oh well oh well, I go, thinking ..at least I don’t have a nicotine cycle to worry about, which triggers a whole new cycle of rationalizations.