Gaming

Day 61:  I have broken the habit of turning off lights whenever I leave the room. Maybe it’s more of a compulsion ..I don’t know. I’m not being wasteful ..I just don’t want to end up in a dark place. My head doesn’t handle it well and usually drops the rest of me on the floor. Without visual it doesn’t know my position in space and it’s like ..everyone for themselves. Anyway, I credit computer games with helping me break this habit. They’ve help me think strategically and move forward carefully .. knowing I can’t move backward in time.

Oregon coast

Dharma, seek and you will find truth inside your mind, Dharma.

The ride

Day 60:  I finish my physical therapy and walk over to the high school football stadium. It feels like I’m detached from my body and viewing it through the narrow lens of a camcorder. What’s in front of me is in focus while the periphery fades away. I’m hoping my peripheral vision will pick up anything there that requires attention. I walk around the track that I used to run. I use the rails to stretch my piriformis muscle, which loosens my pelvis and gives me a smoother ride. I sit on the steps and watch a soccer game that’s already in progress. Feels comforting. Like I’m in the hands of some benevolent neighborhood spirit or something.

progressive relaxation

Day 60: Feels like I go through the day experiencing long periods of tension followed by short periods of relaxation. They seem to follow whatever comes up or the type of activity I’m doing ..like receiving news of a project deadline or working through a computer problem. I think progressive relaxation [ link ] works by forcing me to spend at least 20 minutes or so repeating this ‘tense and release’ cycle quickly and deliberately. It seems to put tension and relaxation more under my control .. extend the period of time I get to spend in relaxation and, who knows ..maybe even help me learn to relax at will.

New balance

Day 59: My vestibular system is shot [ link ]. Since it’s a major component of balance I’ve come to rely on vision and proprioception to know my position in space, which is what enables me to walk upright like a human being. However, I don’t receive the best signals from my legs and feet, which are a big part of proprioception. So that leaves vision. I’ve come to rely on my eyes. But my eyes come back to haunt me. So I’m learning that the best way to navigate mother earth is by keeping my eyes directed forward and not shifting them from side to side. I need to trust peripheral vision for that. It actually does a better job. Focused attention augments visual features. Too much attention to what’s on the periphery lowers the threshold for warning signals. For instance, bright shiny objects, like passing cars, signal motion ..but not necessarily the motion of the cars. It can trick me into thinking that I’m the one in motion and I’m moving in the wrong direction. It can also trigger alarm as though they’re coming at me. Best left to peripheral vision to correctly screen for these things ..keeping my eyes focused on what’s in front of me.

Rule-driven

       ..whereabouts unknown

 “Perpetual devotion to what we call business is only sustained by perpetual neglect of many other things.” ~ Robert Louis Stevenson

Day 56:  I think my new obsession with counting carbs is making my taste buds dull. I’m wondering what other things my senses are missing. The sign that says: no pain no gain has definitely taken a toll on my flexibility. I feel about as stiff as a board. In my search for common ground I think I’ve been missing subtle differences. Now I don’t know but I’ve been told knowledge is knowledge of differences. Or is that the language of separation ..(?) Lately I feel like a commodity that requires a ton of self-promotion. And this what’s-in-it-for-me attitude is robbing me of what’s-in-the-moment. Dr Thompson says he doesn’t know too many people with good mental health who don’t also have good presence-of-mind. Even Ecclesiastes says “..what the eye beholds is better than what the mind foresees.” Makes me wonder if I haven’t veered off-course somewhere.

high desert

I’ll show you a place / High on a desert plain / Where the streets have no name ~ Photo courtesy of Serena Kali Devi at Aum Love

Neuróticos Anónimos

“I can’t seem to face up to the facts / I'm tense and nervous and I / Can’t relax / I can’t sleep ‘cause my head’s on fire / Don’t touch me I’m a real live wire.”

Day 48:  Hi, I’m B. and I’m neurotic. I get uncontrollably weepy during movie scenes. Especially when someone is experiencing some kind of adversity ..as well as when they’re overcoming adversity. Watching ‘Hunger Games’ was a real roller coaster ride. I get angry when I read the paper. I quarrel with authorities, my father, and other family members ..even when they’re not around. I feel like my tolerance for frustration is slipping into dangerous territory, which frightens me because I’m obsessive about my mental health and take frequent sanity-checks. When it checks out OK I’m afraid I may be rationalizing something away. Like, is so much media distraction good ..? Beats tranquilizers. But when does it start to do just the opposite ..? I go around and around a lot. I’m irritated by people who show-off during casual conversation. I’m irritated by myself for showing off during casual conversation, which tells me what I dislike about others is most often myself.

Shit expert

I’m out hiking with my dog Andy. At the first sign of critters ..the aroma of shit ..Andy’s got his nose to the ground. He signals me by sticking his tail out and cocking his left leg up. Can’t be just any piece of shit though. It’s gotta be fresh .. meaning less than a 15 minutes old. And it’s gotta’ be a critter like possum or rabbit (not just another dog or cat). Now Andy’s whining and it looks like he’s got the shakes so I go over and ask him what’s wrong. He looks at me like he’s just seen (or smelt) a ghost. I look at today’s droppings. Way too big for a raccoon but a bit too small for a deer. That leaves ..Bobcat! Andy looks at me like ‘BINGO’ ..and we haul ass outta’ there. I don’t underestimate his sense of smell. It’s been ‘genetically tuned’ to pick up the scent of shit left by critters he hunts ..as well as critters that may be hunting us. Sure enough, the first person we run into tells us that there’s been a bobcat sighting in the area.

Peer-mediated buzz

   James Fowler, a professor of psychology at UCSD, found that messages from our peers are more likely to initiate action than messages delivered by a political committee [ link ]. Last year, Obama’s reelection committee learned the same thing. They developed a system that leverages database technology and social-media to deliver their messages. In an instant, this system allows them to:

1. mobilize grassroots support for White House concerns 
2. provide White House support for local concerns

Apparently they took an extra step, conducted surveys ..and learned that nothing energizes participation better than ‘reciprocity’. Brilliant use of technology combined with Obama’s experience as a community organizer. Politically I’m independent and pretty damn naïve ..but I can see why this might give Republicans cause for alarm.

well of souls

Serena Devi Aum

Healer at  Aum Love

Highway 1

 

Big Sur Sunset 

Photo by Linda Sonrisa

way home

Come down off your throne and leave your body alone / Somebody must change / You are the reason I've been waiting so long / Somebody holds the key / Well I'm near the end and I just thank God for time / And I'm wasted and I can't find my way home          ~   Blind Faith

Decision making

Decisions are mostly intuitive, logical explanations
catch-up milliseconds later ~ Robert Sapolsky [ link ]

driftwood villager

I follow her into a cove ..through tide pools crystal clear .. into a village made of driftwood huts ..where women pit-bake shellfish and men spearfish in the waters of a lagoon. And I realize that I’ve always been cursed ..trying to imagine what life must have been like on planet earth ..before I came along.

Cultural para-stimuli

I’m looking for a better definition of the term ‘cultural para-stimuli’. I have only the vaguest idea that it’s some kind of mysterious force that transmits culture. I start out with the prefix ‘para’ ..which means to impart a subsidiary role to a word or agent. Paramedic for instance. Another meaning of ‘para’ is to impart an altered role to a word or agent. Parasail for instance. I think that’s the one I’m looking for. Para-stimuli are stimuli that go beyond the action of a stimulus on the nervous system. Usually it’s an alteration that results from repeated exposure. For example, ‘sugar’ produces an immediate sensation of sweet that becomes sickening after repeated exposure. Put it together and what it says is that ‘cultural para-stimuli’ are stimuli resulting from social observations that produce alterations in the nervous system that go beyond their immediate reaction. Why do need a better definition of this ..? Perhaps because of what it says about the fashion industry and why we so often choose style over substance. Perhaps because of what it says about my choice of partners. I don’t know. What I do know is what neuroscientists tell me. Repeated exposure to ‘what’s cool’ in a peer group lowers tolerance for ‘what’s appropriate’ in the amygdala. I know the word ‘amygdala’ sounds foreign ..like something from outer space. It refers to a part of the brain that sets thresholds for impulses ..or ‘impulse-control’. Without an amygdala, animals veer helplessly from one inappropriate feeling or action to another. Boredom where there should be fear .. sexual arousal where there is no provocation. What they’ve seen is that animals with an intact amygdala respond just like animals without an amygdala merely by observing or being in the same vicinity. It may be due to sight, sound, smell, whatever ..but exposure to one group serves as cultural para-stimuli to the other group. Repeated exposure to ‘what’s cool’ can actually lower discrimination for things that may otherwise be considered shocking. I’m thinking of things like lewd conduct in public that could be considered something along the lines of a ‘sex offense’. Something that could easily be done at considerably less risk in the privacy of one’s own home. Another thing that comes to mind is ‘mob mentality’ ..the predatory behavior I sometimes see at soccer matches or in crowds celebrating the Rose Parade in California. Makes ‘cultural para-stimuli’ sound like ‘zona rosa’ for communal decadence, which, I don’t know ..may say a little something about my own behavior at rock festivals.

Josie Hyde

Lately I’ve been noticing how things that come to mind are usually the most likely, useful or routine things ..definitely not the ‘world of possibilities’ I would like to see. Walking along State Street today, I watch a woman in full burka enter a fashion boutique with her husband and child. “They’ll be out in a flash” I suspect. What happens ..? They walk out ten minutes later carrying packages. Farther down the road, I hear what sounds like a Mozart piano concerto. Must be coming from Bloomingdale’s or a coffee shop. Turns out to be a waif sitting on the sidewalk playing an electronic keyboard. I sit and listen. When she’s done I tell her it sounds like she’s ‘classically trained’. I mean it as a compliment. “No, I play by ear.” She says “You mean you learned to play like that by listening to CDs  ..?” I ask. “Also by channeling” she replies. She tells me she’s been playing this way since she was four years old. Tonight I’m attending a multi-media performance by Josie Hyde describing her experience at an ‘ayahuasca’ ceremony in the Andes. However, this is not just about her experience ..this is the experience itself !   I feel intoxicated. Like a hole has been punched through the night sky and I catch a glimpse of a  universe of possibilities.

California moon

moon through the eucalyptus over my deck last night

Cartel grows

This story is more about my capacity for self-delusion.

DEA agents investigating Cartels  growing marijuana on California forestland turned up beer kegs, propane stoves, poachers and fieldworkers living in tents. Many of them weren’t even sure where the hell they were ( “Texas ..?” ). Turns out it wasn’t the Cartels after all. Mostly itinerant farmers all the way from Michoacan who were trying to avoid the Cartels and move closer to market. When I heard this I went “I could have told them that ..it’s well-known that Cartels are more into smuggling than farming” and “Michoacan farmers are the ones with the know-how and perseverance to set up camp and live in the woods like that.” Fact is ..I could have told them nothing of the sort. I’d been following this story and I too believed that Mexican Cartels were infiltrating California. I could of only told them otherwise after they’d already told me. Armed with this new information ..I quickly went back and revised my memory for things I knew before. Kind of like revisionist history ..giving me a false sense that ‘I knew it all along’ ..arrogant asshole that I am.

highway one

 

There is a road / no simple highway / Between the dawn and the dark of night / And if you go /  no one may follow / That path is for your steps alone.

The Jabberwock

“Beware the Jabberwock, my son!

   The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!

Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun

   The frumious Bandersnatch!”

Day 19:  Whenever I’m practicing progressive relaxation or sitting meditation ..an image of the Jabberwock comes to mind. I frequently remind myself to unclench my jaw and loosen my grip. Noticing change and allowing things to pass without grasping, biting or otherwise judging them as they go. Principles of Vipassana meditation I picked up at a workshop many years ago [link].

Doomsday

In 19th Century China, one man claiming to be the brother of Jesus Christ started the Taiping Rebellion ..a bloody civil war, which led to the fall of the last Chinese dynasty. More recently, a fellow by the name of Zhao Weishan founded a movement known as The Eastern Light, which has evolved into a group called The Almighty God. They have over 1 million members and prophesize the end of the world on December 21, 2012. Because China has no established religion, people tend to believe in wild rumors. Sales of survival pods have been brisk. Last Friday, one of their members ran through a schoolyard and slashed 23 schoolchildren with a machete. They attribute this act to someone “ ..under the influence of doomsday beliefs.”  I guess delusion knows no boundary.

See Paris in winter

This is the end / Beautiful friend / The end / This is the end /  Of our elaborate plans / The end / Of everything that stands / The end

narrative of cultures

“Our lives, our cultures, are composed of many overlapping stories. Novelist Chimamanda Adichie tells the story of how she found her authentic cultural voice -- and warns that if we grow up hearing only a single story about another person or country, we risk a critical misunderstanding"

winter coast

The sun is shining 
I step into high tide 
below Shoreline Park 
to see a pod of dolphins 
playing out in the kelp 
and it’s moments like these 
when I don’t believe things 
can get  a lot better than this