System tool

New Years Eve and I’m battling a computer virus called ‘system tool’. I finish and it feels like I just defeated alien predators on xbox. I join friends at SoHo to celebrate New Years, and boast about being an expert ‘tool’ remover. They laugh, conjecturing about the different ways I could have been assaulted by a tool ..then ask me to tell them more about this ‘tool’. I tell them it’s a scam-artist that holds your PC ransom until you agree to buy a subscription for some phony anti-virus software. I admit, I bent over and let this bugger in ..but he led me on. He was disguised as a Windows XP update. Same shield and message box telling me there’s a security update available and asking me what I want to do with it. I clicked the ‘x’ in the corner to close the message and deal with it later so I could continue with what I was doing ..when suddenly my Internet session closed and my desktop was replaced with a butt-ugly screen that blocked me from doing anything except taking their bogus offer, which I didn’t ..figuring it wouldn’t end there. I shuddered and told them it made me feel ‘violated’ and ‘unclean’. “Friggin’ unhygienic” is the way Brian put it and everyone moved back a little. I am such a geek. Happy New Year out there to all the nerds and the geeks and the hackers (but only the good ones)..!

Resolutions

1.    Eat more
2.    Listen then yell
3.    Find a cure for laziness
5.    Stop compounding false impressions
6.    Lower stress by breaking resolutions faster
7.    Unblock the slow moving stream of debris in my head
8.    Develop an app that replaces texting with seeing someone
9.    Reduce conflict by arguing less with people who aren’t there
10.  Regularly ask myself what I can do now to avoid getting pissed off at         myself later (hey, a cure for laziness ..scratch no. 3 off the list)

Reception

In 1998, psychologist Arthur Graesser examined components of speech and reading comprehension in ‘real-time’. See [Einstein’s Dreams]. Components of comprehension include things like ‘unexpected event-handling’ and ‘outcome-resolution’. They are measured in milliseconds. Using an interactive computer-presentation, he recorded the time students spent at each step. Sort of like a reaction-time study. What he found was counter-intuitive. Comprehension scores were actually higher for students who took longer to process unexpected events in a narrative. Students who spent less time had lower scores. On closer examination, he found they were interpreting events way too quickly. Consequently, they were missing the bridge to ‘explanatory’ events presented elsewhere in the narrative. What this tells me is that receptivity is more important than reaching conclusions while listening to someone speak.

Academic freedom

The other day students asked me why we waste money on research that doesn’t have immediate medical or commercial value. It was a fair question. I told them I thought it was because progress often depends on research that was originally done for non-commercial purposes ..like scientific advancement. The Internet came to mind. The Internet and all the social networking and businesses it hosts ..did not start out as a texting or commercial enterprise. It was an experiment that relied on research coming out of fields such as cybernetics and neuropsychology. The head of the project was a psychologist from MIT named Joseph Licklider [link]. He was a leading expert on the nature of the auditory system. His research involved understanding the way signals travel across the nervous system and get converted to sound by the auditory centers in the brain. His findings became the basis for ‘packet switching’ in computer networks, without which the Internet would have never progressed much farther than the telephone [link]. These studies were not originally intended for use by the computer industry ..nor were they funded by drug companies. The Internet would have never come about through corporate sponsorship alone. That’s the reason why scientific inquiry needs to be conducted in a neutral setting.

Conspiracy theory

It was the intention of the Bush administration to raise unemployment and drive more middle-class citizens to lower economic classes. They felt it was necessary to get middle-class Americans to accept lower wages. Lower wages mean lower prices and greater demand for American-made products, which helps balance the trade deficit. Reduced purchasing power also means less tolerance for high-priced foreign oil, which helps domestic oil companies expand their operations into coastal waters as well as wildlife sanctuaries. Furthermore, they figured it would discourage fanatics from developing renewable energy sources. A larger class of low paid workers creates greater competition for low-paying jobs. Greater competition for low-paying jobs is how you get the job market to deal with immigration. Fear of foreign workers helps Republicans enact tougher immigration laws ..like denying immigrants any chance of citizenship, which also goes for their American-born, college-educated children ..as well as those serving in the military. Another advantage of the politics of fear is that it helps Republicans win elections. That’s probably what helped Republicans gain control of Congress. Records show that the more support there is for republican issues in congress ..the more cutbacks you can expect to see in public education (especially in the form of federal grants and student aid). Cutbacks such as these deny middle-class access to higher education. What was their intention ..? To create a larger pool of low-cost labor. These advantages are short-term however, and the cycle will turn. When the disparity becomes so great that higher education becomes a luxury only the wealthy can afford, they might as well shut down the state universities ..there aren’t enough wealthy students to go around. When the GOP cuts all ties with the Latino community, and their efforts at stemming immigration fail (because it’s like trying to stop water) ..they’ll have succeeded in creating a larger population of democratic voters. And when support from the rural Midwest farmer collapses because they haven’t kept their promise to repeal the estate tax ..the cycle will come full circle.

Christmas song by the Pogues

Social perception

I have a theory. An awful lot of what we find ‘attractive’ is determined by what we see our peers paying attention to while we’re growing up. I mean during the formative years of 13 to 29. Experts in human development call this a ‘cohort group’. So, to express my theory another way: Our social perception is determined by the cohort group we belong to. For example, the cohort group that came of age after World War II (during the fifties) had greater respect for people in authority and admired commanding-looking leaders. They elected a war hero for president. Larger-than-life actors like Sophia Loren and John Wayne captured their imagination. They also valued conformity. That’s why affluent-looking crooners like Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin sold millions of records. However, the cohort group that came of age during the Vietnam War (the sixties and seventies) had lost respect for heroes and people in authority. Their attention turned more toward realistic-looking actors like Mia Farrow and Jack Nicholson ..as well as less affluent-looking musicians like Bob Dylan and the Rolling Stones (although they’re certainly affluent now). I hear evidence of this almost everyday. People of my father’s generation tell me they don’t find present-day actresses as appealing as the bombshells of the fifties. They say things like: “Hollywood just doesn’t make ‘em the way they used to” and point to reasons like “Today actresses suffer from mediocrity and over-exposure.” However, from the perspective of someone in my cohort ..that’s exactly what makes them appealing. What they call over-exposure ..I call peer-attention. And what they interpret as mediocre ..I see as realistic. That’s why I find actresses today equally, if not more attractive than actresses of the past. But hey, don’t take my word for it ..the film industry banks on it. The target group for moviemakers used to be people between the ages of 13 and 25. Not anymore. It is now people in their forties. They are less likely to stay at home playing X-box ..and they prefer watching movies with actors from their own generation. That’s why now, more than ever .. the screen-life of an actress lasts well into their forties and fifties. Look at the successful careers of Meryl Streep and Julianne Moore. Which brings me back to my theory ..greater realism equals greater appeal to moviegoers of my generation. Either that or I could say: “Hey, Hollywood must not have built ‘em to last in the fifties.” Or some such bull shyte.

The advantages of ADD

The kind of focused attention ordinarily required in a classroom is not always helpful overcoming obstacles outside the classroom. A wider focus of attention, which is usually associated with ADD, is actually more adaptive according to neuroscientists John Kounios and Mark Beeman [link]. And from what I’ve seen, I believe it ..! They found that when students are more open to distraction, they do better navigating a computer-simulated labyrinth than when they are focused and blocking out distractions (as seen on an fMRI). Students actually see and hear more .. finding their way faster by heuristic than by analytic reasoning. In other words, in many situations, discovering relationships between vague and loosely connected information is more advantageous than step-by-step analysis.

Florence and the machine

Biomimicry

Notes from Bioengineering Conference, Nov 25, Long Beach, CA

I like to follow developments that that are the result of ‘biomimicry’. Then again, I’m weird like that. However, I think it’s something that merits attention. Biomimicry is the practice of overcoming obstacles by seeing what works in nature. Naturalistic observation is just as valid as ‘laboratory observation’ in science. According to the speakers today, discovering how things work in nature has inspired breakthroughs in computer technology, renewable energy and regenerative medicine, just to name three.

Renewable energy: Biologists observing the motion of humpback whales have found more efficient ways to capture energy from the wind. They noticed how the saw-tooth bumps (tubercles) that line the edge of a whale’s fin help them perform better in slow-moving water. When they line the edge of blades on a wind-turbine with similar bumps; the blades rotate faster in response to slow-moving wind. This has led to the installation of more efficient and lower-profile ‘wind-mills’ in the desert outside of Palm Springs.

Regenerative medicine: Psychologists observing the natural development of language have made contributions to the field of regenerative medicine. They saw how children learn grammar as a result of social interaction ..with little or no coaching. When they simulate the social environment of early childhood; stroke victims make faster progress toward recovering language skills. This has led to the design of training-programs, hosted as video games ..that are more interactive and engaging. Results can be seen in speech performance as well as on MRI scans of the brain.

Closing remarks: Geoffrey Spedding, an engineer from USC, talked about limits to what we can learn from nature. He says “… the designs that come through evolution are just good enough to survive, that’s all. Nature has yet to come up with a decent wheel.” I had to disagree. In my humble opinion, evolution did produce an information-processing device capable of infinitely more ..the human brain. So, however indirect ..nature did invent the wheel.

Head trauma

Shrapnel from an IED went rattling around his skull ..and for the next 12 hours Paul thought the enemy had captured him. He couldn’t recognize faces or uniforms ..orders sounded foreign ..and foreign sounded menacing. He had to be restrained to keep from picking up a rifle and shooting members of his own platoon. Stateside, his comprehension has returned but he gets lost mid-sentence while talking. He struggles to remember where he left off. When prompting doesn’t work, I tell him to take his time ..just keep talking ..even if it’s something different ..whatever comes up. He manages to tell me what’s happening: “The words coming out of my mouth aren’t matching the ones in my head.” Then he starts crying. Something that never happened back there. Now he says even AT&T commercials make him cry ..he doesn’t know why. “The civilian world is pretty fucking surreal” he says. I imagine two different narratives ..one playing inside his head and another playing on the outside. He was a high school honor student ..but the VA says he was bi-polar when he enlisted and wasn’t traumatized by combat. It’s a catch 22 ..except they’re saying is you have to be crazy to want get in as opposed to being sane if you want to get out. I documented his symptoms ..got statements from his family physician (who says he was never bi-polar) .. attached copies of his high school records and got him a disability designation that entitles him to see a VA psychiatrist.

Breakfast of champions

I reach for the orange juice while reading the paper .. the ring on my finger catches the lip of a coffee cup and starts a chain reaction that sends coffee splashing over books, papers, notebook PC, clothes and deck. In the wink of an eye, breakfast turns into chaos. I quickly save the notebook ..and laugh. Everything else is dispensable. I hose down one part of the deck, move to another location and resume as though nothing happened ..except I’m more fully in the present than before. Kind of like I’ve been put on alert. Allows me to see how ephemeral events really are. A lapse in conscious, followed by disaster .. gets absorbed much quicker out here than it does on my carpet indoors.

Applied neuroscience

Brain surgeon Wilder Penfield [link] found that whenever he tugged at one place in childhood memory, he pulled the rest of childhood experience with it. His patients would report : “I can hear the sound of my mother’s voice calling me for dinner ..I smell the scent of fresh baked bread like I did then ..I see my mother waiting for me on the porch .. I feel her warmth ..I actually feel like I did as a child right now.” Psychologists see the same thing going on with their clients while they’re talking about present-day relationships. For example, when they report talking to somebody who has a voice or manner similar to one of their parents ..it often triggers the feelings they experienced in the presence of that parent. Could be feelings of warmth and pleasure ..or feelings of intimidation and submission. They may pass through these states during the day without even knowing it. What they do remember, however, is a feeling that tells them whether or not they enjoy someone’s company.

My first boss, Tony, was a commanding presence. He looked like a mafia don ..with a deep baritone voice and a quick temper. He shouted at people a lot and often in a disparaging manner. He intimidated my colleagues, which made them cringe in his presence. For some reason his behavior didn’t bother me. I even got a chuckle out of them. I think I figured out why ..and I believe I owe it to Dr Penfield. Although my father didn’t live with us very long, what I remember about him most is that he was gentle and reasonable. He would explain things I did wrong and never scolded. I don’t have memories of growing up with a ‘bully’ like many of my colleagues. Consequently, Tony didn’t evoke the same feelings in me as he did in them. I always figured there was a method to his madness and he always treated me with civility, while my colleagues always felt like they were getting a whipping.

Baths

Last night at the baths some of us were complaining about how much we were paying for our children’s education. It’s somewhere in the vicinity of $10,000 a year, even at the state colleges. One woman told us about a program called the ‘Santa Barbara Fund’ that pays for tuition ..but it turns out you have to be like a 2nd generation Santa Barbara native. Someone else said that even with a 4.0 GPA ..it’s almost impossible to get in these days. I mentioned that a lot of students applying to UC can overcome a low GPA .. even poor SAT scores ..by writing a compelling essay. Something describing some kind of hardship they had to deal with while growing up. That made another guy laugh and say it’s hard to imagine what kind of hardship anyone would have growing up in Santa Barbara. My first thought was to tell him that he’d be surprised, but decided against it and instead I said “Hey, colleges reward creativity ..” which made everyone laugh and start making up stuff:

"Mom and I are living in a station wagon down by the lagoon .."
“I had to take care of my ailing aunt Edna after school ..”
“I immigrated from Peru with 12 brothers and sisters
..mom worked as a housekeeper to put us through school”
“My parents are hippies and don’t believe in traditional schooling
..I ran a food co-op growing up”
“My parents were killed in a fire somewhere on the 14th floor ..”

Around this time I had to say goodnight and leave ..and had to laugh. Nobody noticed ..I could still hear them making up stories while I was walking away.

Sirens of Titan

Is it a coincidence that the Cassini space probe inexplicably stopped sending images as it was about to fly by Titan, one of the moons of Saturn? Titan is known to harbour conditions necessary for life. Another place considered to be a likely candidate for extraterrestrial life is Europa, one of the moons of Jupiter. However, the canyons of Europa have eluded attempts at observation as well [link]. Early radio astronomers claim to have received signals, leaking from Titan, that suggest the presence of an extraterrestrial species. However, they are trapped and shielded from detection by parasitic aliens from another galaxy ..aliens who have been exploiting Titan’s resources for eons [link]. This explains why conditions there have deteriorated to an almost “pre-biotic” state. The result has been a sort of reverse-geo-evolution. In it’s day, Titan could have been just as hospitable a place as Earth is today.

Local buzz

Got a buzz with smokers at the high school stadium this evening – after completing my workout. Two teenagers big enough to be football players ..but probably weren’t. I could tell by their friendliness and total lack of defensiveness that they weren’t gang bangers. They laughed when they saw how long I would hold the smoke in. You don’t have to do that anymore. I have smoked with gang members before .. often enough that they recognize and trust me. They call me the hippie pot smoker ..and go “Hey, tell us some more of that weird-ass, trippy shit.” I figure if they’re going to get high ..they might as well know something about it. I am afraid that one day I'll run into a group of paranoid gang bangers ..which I have, come to think of it. It’s a forested area and I sometimes don’t see them until I run into them. As much as I might think it’s disarming to stop and share a smoke. They might think it wasn’t such a good idea to give that old guy a buzz. After I leave, they may go “..hey, wasn’t that the narc who took out Emilio ..?” ..and decide it might be safer if they took me out. I guess that makes me sound kinda’ paranoid too.

Narrative space

Proceedings from the Symposium on Extraterrestrial Psychology

Dr. Latimer: Language is nothing more than a stream of symbols that signify nothing until we recognize something we have either seen or heard before and can find it's meaning stored in our mental dictionary. In a plurality of worlds, without a storehouse of shared experience, efforts at communication would be an exercise in indecipherable gestures. Verbal communication is the manipulation of symbols to which meaning is assigned by culture. An important point to keep in mind my friends is that the events experienced by members of a culture over time are what make up the narrative thread of that culture.

Dr. Zhavern: When we look into space, we don’t see things as they are. What we see is a narrative thread winding it’s way through the cosmos ..a cosmos that may be shared by narratives other than our own. However, to it’s participants ..each narrative looks like the only cosmic game in town. Like language, we skew space to resemble something we’ve either seen, or heard before. It’s the only way we can come to grips with it.

Dr. Orloff: I think human consciousness is a fragmented and unstable process. It creates rapid models of factual and counterfactual worlds inside the brain for things it cannot observe ..but only infer. The brain keeps track of these different versions until only those that contribute to narrative coherence receive sufficient signal strength to survive while those leading nowhere dissolve into noise ..and disappear into non-narrative space .. all in an instance.

Dr. Pangloss: I think consciousness is made up of searchlights, projected from different mental versions of the world we create. They eventually converge to form concentric circles in the brain that illuminate the focal points that contribute most to narrative events, and fade rapidly at the periphery with fewer contributing points until things go black somewhere around the edges of non-narrative space.

My feeble brain ( hasn’t got a clue ): Are you saying that the narrative threads of extraterrestrials aren’t likely to uncoil very closely to ours ..(?)

Humboldt dot net

The sight of a sheriffs car approaching a grow site activates a network. Text messages are transmitted to owners who may or may not live within the county. Within minutes, timber trucks arrive on the scene to block access to the site. If they don’t get there in time to intercept the sheriff ..and the growers at the site, flashing their medical marijuana cards, can’t convince officers that 75 terraced acres of 8-foot tall plants are intended for personal use .. then arrests may be made. When that happens, you can be sure high-powered attorneys from Sacramento will arrive within the hour and the grower’s rights will prevail. You see, that’s how Humboldt dot com works ..it allows marijuana farmers to bring global forces to bear on local police incursions into the Emerald Triangle.

Eli

I saw Eli again for the first since middle-school. Both of us briefly attended the International school of Geneva (Ecolint). He was the son of a rich Indian jewelry trader. I remember it was the first time I ever tasted Godiva chocolates. Now he’s fond of repeating how he took over the family business ..watched it grow ..then lost it in a recent, one-sided divorce settlement and has had to start from scratch. Selling to rich, gay Saudis’ helped. Now he travels around the world looking for precious stones and customers for his jewelry business ..and playing polo. Africa, Thailand, Hong Kong, Saudi Arabia and Geneva Switzerland are all on his trade route. Although Geneva is still where he calls home ..he’s hardly ever there so he said he was thinking about selling his house and buying a retirement home in Thailand. I didn’t know how to respond other than suggest he talk to his accountant first. His business extends to fine watches too, though I wasn’t able to get a price on a used Cartier ..and he wouldn’t sell me the one he was wearing. He said what I need is a Rolex Submariner. I asked him to keep an eye out for me ..preferably pre-owned. We’ll see. I don’t think he was here on business, which helps explain why it was such an enjoyable visit. It was good to see him again and I look forward to seeing him in Geneva next summer, which is probably why I wasn’t more enthusiastic when he was talking about selling his place.

Quality of understanding

“The meaning of a sentence is derived from the original words by an active, interpretive process. The original sentence that is perceived is rapidly forgotten and memory is for the information (meaning) contained in the sentence.” [link]

For years, neuro-linguists have studied what remains after we hear somebody speak. What they’ve come up with is something that resembles a three-dimensional network inside of our head. The network is made up of propositions (coded events), scripts (a sequence of coded events) and associated images and feelings. Although part of the network is constructed from the original sentence ..most of it is supplied by the past experience of the listener. What we come away with is a feeling of resonance and familiarity, based largely on our own beliefs and experience ..and not necessarily the meaning intended by the speaker.

Push that knot away

Noticing change

The four principles of Vipassana meditation are: 1) seeing clearly 2) being present 3) noticing change and 4) suspending judgment.

 I’m sitting on the beach, reminding myself to be more mindful and notice change. I mean changes in my head as well as changes in surf conditions. It’s hard to tell my thoughts are changing much ..they don’t pass cleanly. I grab hold of one and it forms a loop. I enjoy hearing the loop so much, I play it until it becomes background noise. It doesn’t go away. I see a flock of pelicans go by and hear a loop that sounds like: “Whoa, how prehistoric-looking ..what does Gina call them? Predators of the sea.” I ask myself when I last saw Gina.  Esalen, 2008. I’ve been playing that loop for almost three years now..?! I return to the present. I hear sea lions barking and go: “Wonder whose boat they’re going to scuttle next ..?” I remind myself I’m sitting on the beach ..scuttling is in the future ..I’m in violation of the second principle. I notice people going by: “Wonder how I look.” Then I'm like, WTF, who cares ..no one’s looking ..I’m just sitting on the beach for chrissake. I tell myself to calm down. Self-consciousness is a remnant of tribal past. If you didn’t look cool, you risked banishment. A consequence that probably hasn’t occurred for over 20.000 years now ..or perhaps occurs on any given day in high school. But now I'm just playing  another loop ..a rationalization loop to help me feel less neurotic. These loops get built-in and they attract more content over time. It’s hard to tell they were just passing thoughts once.

Extraterrestrial psychology

Astrophysicist Gregory Benford says we need to consider extraterrestrial economics when looking for signals from outer space. He suggests SETI narrow down its search to what we can reasonably expect extraterrestrial to achieve at such great distances ..assuming they’re not omnipotent. I applaud him for his pragmatism, however I think we also need to consider extraterrestrial psychology if we are to expect a reasonable chance of successful contact. Otherwise, I don’t see how we hope to achieve any kind of meaningful communication. Since we have no basis from which to conceive of the extraterrestrial mind, I think we have to start with something we can observe ..and I believe that would be us.

Psychologists already know that rational thought is a spatio-temporal process. It’s powerful but limited to weighing evidence about the physical universe. Other-worldly experience is out-of-scope. I believe this would also apply to the thought processes of any aliens we encounter. First, we’d only know we’ve encountered them if they share the same spatial-temporal dimension as us. Second, those we do meet would have to have some way of processing information about this shared dimension that is similar to ours. In other words, like us .. they would also have to integrate sensory information into a coherent model of the world they inhabit. So, I believe the first step in contemplating extraterrestrial life is to better understand our own. I mean, lets face it .. at this point it’s all we got.

Science tells us that knowledge is often knowledge of differences. Given that the human brain is tuned to receive only a narrow band of information available on earth, which is further constrained by culture ..I’m not sure it’s safe to assume that the alien mind is similarly tuned. They do not share the same background. We know that human perception is based on background information as much as information from the present ..and that the brain integrates information selected by the senses with information available in memory to create a coherent whole. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect extraterrestrials, who do not share our planetary history, to perceive our surroundings the same way we do. The way I’ve heard it explained best goes something like this:

“We could try and introduce ourselves to them ..but all they might see is a sparse dusting of energy waves occurring in a vacuum ..with some probability of identity based on their backgrounds ..not ours.”

Presented at the ~> SB Institute for Consciousness Studies

Gold coast

Beautiful autumn day. Sunlight passes horizontally through the eucalyptus trees and turns to gold ..I’m fully in love with this time of year. Out on the deck, the air is perfectly still ..there’s no breeze coming from any direction. Makes me think about the waves I’m missing on the beach. I pop a couple tabs of ginseng ..hop into the alfa ..turn up Blind Faith and pull way too far into traffic lanes on Anapamu Street. Real swift. I pop it into reverse and swing my head around when I realize the cars have stopped to let me through. I proceed ..giving them a courtesy wave .. then head around the Milpas bend. I pass by the marquis for the County Bowl ..and remind myself to keep an eye on the road. I pass by Trader Joe’s ..giving the right of way to cars already in the circle ..and shoot out on highway 101 ..listening to Steve Winwood singing ‘Sea of Joy’. I exit almost immediately on Olive Mill ..downshift to 15 mph on Channel Drive and check out the tide and the surf and the sun shining on the water. Perfect glassy conditions with crisp, waist-high waves peeling off Hammonds. I pull over ..grab my Churchills’ ..knowing that the fins of choice now days are Vipers ..feeling a slightly stupid sense of brand loyalty. I spend five minutes on the sand doing breathing exercises and sizing up the situation. I take a running start .. dive into an oncoming wave and surface on the backside feeling free ..like the wave washed over my brain and removed all constraints .. putting me in perfect condition for whatever happens next.

PTSD

The military is known for instilling leadership and teamwork ability ..skills that battle conditions can quickly take away. According to a Rand study, nearly one third of all returning troops suffer from some form of post-traumatic stress (PTSD) or traumatic brain injury. Some of them show up at student services where I see them. James was part of a tank crew. On a hot day in Iraq ..they left the hatch open. That’s when a grenade blast slammed his head against an iron plate. At home, he enrolled in college using his GI benefits. However, crowded classrooms make him feel trapped and panicky. When he tries to contain these feelings, he finds he can’t make sense out of what the instructors are saying. Answering a question is like trying to find the answer to a riddle. He mumbles and strains to put together a coherent sentence ..and hopes he’s somewhere in the ballpark. I referred him to the VA for therapy. A short time later he quit school and went looking for a job. He hoped the skills they taught him in the service would help. Unfortunately, many employers told him they couldn’t accommodate time off for therapy. When I talked to him about it, he said he didn’t think that was the real reason. “They hire the disabled all the time.” He says “Guys that need just as much time off as I do.” “No, it’s more like they’re afraid I’ll go postal or something. Head-cases make them nervous.”

Territorial dispute

My neighbors across the creek have finally defeated Aaron’s efforts to live in the house that he built. It’s a beautiful Spanish-style residence that sits perched on the canyon just back from the creek. It has masonry-white walls, red tile roof, hardwood floors ..and no electricity. My neighbor Susan has kept him in court fighting for an electrical easement for so long now that he can’t afford to live there anymore. I like Aaron and I think it’s sad, really. At first I thought it was a case of extortion ..offering him easement rights in exchange for money or his first-born. I went on a long screed about this in a journal entry last year [link], if anyone’s interested.

Anyway, I have a new theory. I think it’s a tragic case of misperception. I believe it’s what happens when a strong-willed, powerfully-focused neighbor tries to negotiate a property agreement with a contractor who suffers a profound attention deficit. Aaron, the contractor, can’t stay on topic long enough to reach an agreement ..any kind of agreement. Susan gets frustrated and believes he’s taking her for a ride. I’ve actually heard her say things like “He talks in circles, purposely avoiding the issue, saying one thing then another .. he’s been bull-shitting me for so long, I don’t believe a word he says anymore.” Aaron, on the other hand, throws up his hands and tells me he has no idea what she wants. Susan says all she wants him to do is repair a shared driveway if he’s going to have to dig a trench through it in order to reach an underground utility. I don’t think Aaron can track what she’s saying long enough to grasp this. He can’t figure out whether she wants him to re-model her house ..re-surface the street ..scrap the project ..or leave a duffel bag filled with hundreds of thousand of dollars in an airport locker. He complains that she’s got him in a Catch-22. “She won’t let me go underground and she won’t let me go overhead” he says. “There used to be a pole on her property with wires leading to my property, but she conspired with the city and California Edison to have them removed so she could put me in the situation I’m in right now where she’s calling all the shots. I think she’s a sick greedy control-freak..! Don’t you ..?” I don’t know about that ..but I do know my head starts to spin whenever I try talking to Aaron about anything specific. I try asking him how long the trench would have to be ..and he tells me how long he’s been living in Santa Barbara (he’s fourth generation). I ask him to show me where the underground hook-up is so I can see for myself ..and he points to where the pole used to be and tells me he’s been robbed.

Social ecology

I grew up in the safety of a middle class neighborhood, which didn't seem all that safe to me. Housewives visited each other in the middle of the day carrying coffee mugs filled with Vodka. I could hear them downstairs complaining about their kids ..and how they’d like to “..really rip into them sometimes.” However, it was usually the mothers who were not present that got to be the subject of ridicule .. spouse and children included. So, it was very important that I be raised not to be a topic of housewife gossip. But I knew it was inevitable ..they spared no one ..everyone got his or her turn on the ‘chopping block’. They knew it too ..I could feel the tension. I could definitely hear it in the grief my mother gave me. Expressions like “What will the neighbors think..!?” were often used in reference to the length of my hair or the style of my clothes. Then there was “Look, I’m not talking Little Lord Fauntleroy or anything ..but it wouldn’t hurt if you wore something other than Levis or corduroys to school everyday ..what about those nice gray slacks I bought ..how come you never wear those ..?” Because I’d be mortified, I thought. I was more concerned with what a group of vicious classmates would do than what a flock of housewives might say. Which reminds me, the expression “birds of a feather” was one of the choice clichés my mother frequently hurled at me. So, you could say I was raised on a diet of clichés and hackneyed expressions. I guess it’s no wonder I don’t have an original thought to my name.

Dear John

Eric received a Dear John letter just before shipping stateside. It has made civilian life hell. Much more painful than anything he experienced in Afghanistan. He tells me she was everything he was living for over there. Now he’s reminded of her everywhere he goes, like ..the clubs ..city streets ..friend’s houses. He describes it as “..receiving an jolt of electricity around every turn.” Classes are torture, he can’t concentrate and I get the impression that student services are wasted on him. I’m out of my league. I see signs of depression. He has difficulty sleeping and concentrating .. the pain is like, everywhere he goes .. and he’s beginning to withdraw. I’m going to have to refer him to VA and hope that they don’t drug him into oblivion. I’m not unfamiliar with the pain of being dumped, however, so I try to convince him that it doesn’t last ..the shocks will begin to fizzle-out and his memory will begin to clear-out. But he’s not paying attention ..it’s not what he wants to hear. I try to imagine what it’s like. I picture him getting hit in the head (or punched in the stomach) with a baseball bat every time he goes through a door. Now he doesn’t open many. He doesn’t leave his room much either.

Net neutrality

There’s a space inside my mind that opens up from time to time ..and in those rare moments I’m in there, everything resonates with equal potential. I think it’s a place Eastern practitioners refer to as ‘Buddha mind’ ..a neutral state free from forces of passion and indifference ..and nagging opinions about what’s right and what’s wrong. In other words, it’s out of reach of my judgmental mind. Apparently neuroscientists have discovered this place too. They’ve located a network inside the brain that comes online whenever the analytic networks are at rest. They call it the ‘default state network’ [link] and it lies somewhere outside regions of the brain dedicated to analysis and judgment. It skirts areas that are active in weighing alternatives and narrowing down possibilities. These areas are never at rest. Even when they go offline, the ‘default state network’ keeps them humming in unison. This creates a state of equilibrium where no one tendency outweighs another. They say it restores a sense of balance and even-mindedness. In some ways it sounds as though they’ve discovered what Eastern practitioners have experienced for the last 25 centuries.

Working memory

Presented to the
Santa Barbara Institute for Consciousness Studies

It was interesting for me to see a recent study in neuroscience that supports my theory of reading comprehension [link] Bear with me while I try and explain (or you can duck out now and I won’t be offended). What they found is that working memory interacts with the senses in order to produce a stable view of our surroundings and reduce errors of perception. For one thing, it has to identify signals that are the result of actual sensory events and filter out extraneous signals that are produced by fluctuations inside the nervous system itself (like those caused by changes in activity levels, neurotransmitter concentrations, circadian rhythms, etc..). Neuroscientists refer to this as the ‘sensory orientation’ function [link]. The visual areas in the brain must distinguish changes in actual sensory events from changes in internal activity in order to follow the ‘genuine’ action. They claim that the brain makes this estimate based on principles of ‘Bayesian inference’, which are not much different than principles of ‘Pragmatic inference’. It works something like this: Incoming signals that are considered likely to occur, based on the contents of working memory, are given a boost. Signals considered less likely are held in abeyance and immediately suppressed if subsequent events don’t do anything to rehabilitate them.

Scatter brain

I’m chopping tomatoes for scrambled eggs when memories of doing this in the past pop into my head ..followed by thoughts about my partner’s progress on the road to Austin. A whistling sound brings my attention back to water for tea when I suddenly see flashbacks of my sister laughing at me about my breakfast routine ..followed by the sound of my college roommates yelling at me about how long it takes ..which morphs into a rehearsal for what I’m supposed to say at a meeting this afternoon. Suddenly scalding tea is spraying out of my mouth and I douse it with orange juice and realize I’m already sitting at the table eating breakfast.

Killer zen

Trying to resume meditation practice can sometimes be as difficult as running a 10k after several months off. My thoughts bother me as much as shin splints. At first, I pester myself with questions like, “what the fuck am I doing?” and “am I doing, whatever the fuck it is ..right?” Then I start ordering myself to get it right and make sure I’m making the most of my time. Now I’m going back to a time when I thought I was doing it right. Now I’m lost in thought over the 1,001 things I could be doing better. Now I’m telling myself to get over it .. this is not what mediation is about. Now I feel the constraints of my opinions bearing down on me ..now I feel the constraints of other people’s opinions bearing down on me, which turn out to be my own opinions disguised as other people’s opinions. I tell myself to take responsibility for them otherwise I lose the ‘center’ and my mind becomes scattered, which is something I learned about in a psychology class. Now I feel like I’m just remembering what other people tell me and not really experiencing it for myself. When I manage to push these thoughts away and return to the present moment ..I hear the swoosh of traffic on Anapamu street. This bothers me so I actually try to push it away too. I immediately realize the futility of that and remember what Zen master Perry used to say: “..be aware of the sound of traffic ..let it be a reminder of the passing nature of everything.” So, I let the traffic go by without further complaint. Now I’m back to asking myself “am I doing what I want, or what other people have told me I should do.” Because I know damn well, like a rebellious child .. I resist what other people tell me I should do. Now I’m congratulating myself on this little scrap of insight. Now I’m asking myself if it’s really insight or just another example of remembering what someone else told me, like my mother or a grade school teacher. Now I’m criticizing myself for not having one original thought of my own. I glance at the watch I set beside me and realize only three minutes have gone by. I’m aiming for twenty. This is torture.

Kirsty

..a voice made for rock ‘n roll.

Prānayāma

I’m attending Prānayāma practice tonight. Prāna means ‘breath’ or ‘life force’ and āyāma means ‘abode’. So it’s the practice of restoring the place where your life force resides. I admit, it does oxygenate the system. I can feel a warm tingling sensation in my hands and feet ..and the feeling that all’s well spreading through my brain ..making me all smiles. Afterward, I hang around talking to the session leader Jeff ..a friend who I haven’t seen for a long time. He tells me that Brian moved back to Pennsylvania but Dave can still be seen walking around town. Jeff is busy preparing for a workshop on Ayurvedic healing this weekend. One of tonight’s participants is an elderly woman who receives Ayurvedic treatment. She’s planning a 50-day excursion through India this fall. I think that’s remarkable. Now Jeff is telling me about an ancient language he read about in the Upanishads where the sound carries the meaning by itself, without the need for an intermediate concept. He goes “ ..consider the expression ‘shhh’ in English. It conveys a soothing sensation all by itself.” Makes me think about the sound the ocean makes as it rolls over the sand on the beach ..and about all the times I’ve sat there listening to it ..then I think about how it sounds like a simple breath ..then I realize that breathing is not really simple, only thinking makes it so ..it’s really a complex process that’s been around since the beginning ..then I remind myself not to overthink it ..now I’m wondering how much I missed while Jeff was talking and I was listening to myself think.

A new tune

..one of Scotland’s finest

Rhapsody

Laura is yelling at Andy in proper English, but it’s lost on him. Andy is a dog whose English is limited to a few basic commands, usually associated with specific actions he picked up from me or obedience school. Laura’s displeasure is clear however. That’s carried by the intonation pattern or ‘vibration intervals’ of speech ..kind of like the difference between hearing a song by Metallica and a song by Faith Hill. Out on the streets, my usual California monotone is often lost on people. No one cares about carefully formed sentences. Too neutral. Like Andy, what they want to hear is the intonation pattern. Intonation, like music, is universal and carries feelings better than whatever it is I’m trying to say. And feelings are the first thing you want to find out. Who wants to listen to a monologue ..or an angry shrill. Even the usual “Good morning, how are you ..?” sounds more engaging when spoken with a lilting southern accent. It sounds like they really care ..even when they don’t.

Media and consciousness

A reply from Dr Jenkins re.Age of Inception (posted below)

Bill – Keep in mind that the quotes for the interview are necessarily a simplification of my arguments about the film, though I have been pleased by the discussion they have generated. I would agree totally with you that the film's perspective on reality and perception also has a generational slant. It's interesting though that the films and television shows which take on some of this philosophical/spiritual argument are often associated with games and other digital media -- so I would see The Matrix, the final episode of Lost, and Inception, as all part of the same conversation about our relationship with the real world. We may as a culture be more open to such ideas because of our experience of the digital, just as people in the industrial age were more apt to think of a clockmaker god, or people in the early 20th century started to understand repetition compulsion in terms of a phonograph record in their heads. As Sherry Turkle suggests, we use technologies as tools to think with and a key question we use them to consider is our consciousness. – Henry Jenkins

Age of Inception

From the moment “Inception” was released, polls have shown that it’s appeal is split along generational lines. Many “older” moviegoers hate the film while younger people have nothing but good things to say about it. According to Henry Jenkins, a professor of cinema at USC, this has everything to do with video game experience. He says “Inception is first and foremost a movie about worlds and levels, which is very much the way video games are structured.” While I agree that gaming experience may be a factor, I’d say a bigger reason is that members of prior generations don’t understand, or accept the film’s premise. As DiCaprio’s character describes it, conscious experience is not a literal transcript of the world, but an ongoing process of virtual construction by the mind. Although this premise has scientific merit, it is not widely known or embraced by the majority of tradition-bound Americans.

Dr Jenkins’ reply ~>[link]

the speculative fiction of inception

I certainly enjoyed parts of the movie that veered into speculative fiction. Like where the team decides to do a three-layered dream set, with the third layer being the crucial point where the idea will be planted. Multi-layered dreams, or the ability to produce a ‘dream within a dream’ ..carries the notion that “it’s all in the mind” to an extreme. It is common for people to have dreams where they fall asleep again and begin another dream. However, to induce this chemically inside a dream, by another lucid dreamer who is sharing your dream-space, requires a leap of faith into the powers of the mind acting alone ..without any outer-world compounds. It’s like saying that, not only are dream-state environments mentally fabricated ..but the chemical properties of drugs can be manufactured in the chemist’s dreaming mind ..and produce the desired effects in the recipient’s dreaming mind. Intriguing and entertaining as this may sound ..it was the part of the movie where I had to suspend disbelief. Which is what movies are all about anyway. They did a good job. 

Subconscious entities: DiCaprio’s character warns Page’s architect-character that, if she designs a dream-state that bears too close a resemblance to actual memory ..it will bring out the ‘undesirable side of the subconscious’. In other words, the ‘people entities’ that exist there will get vicious in order to remain hidden in the subconscious. I certainly find this a plausible notion ..perhaps it’s what protects me from experiencing the content of my own subconscious. I don’t know enough to really say. I thought it was a pretty cool idea though. 

Virtual safe: DiCaprio’s character explains how a person’s ‘secrets’ are always stored in a virtual ‘safe’ created by the mind of the dreamer. The objective of extraction is to find the safe in order to lift the secrets. So they lead the dreamer to the safe where the idea was planted. Good metaphor for the way information is stored in the brain ..perhaps the best way we can describe it to ourselves. Since it’s unknowable, it’s as good an explanation as any, I’d say.
Depth of consciousness: there’s an implicit assumption that the number of dream-layers we create ..the deeper down the subconscious mind we go. As intuitive as this might sound ..there’s really no empirical evidence for it. But, since it is also a mystery ..it’s as good a theory as any. Certainly a plausible way for dreams to go.

the metaphysics of inception

The ability to enter or share other people’s dream-space is something I’ve read about in philosophy books. When the movie characters collaborate in a dream ..they have left the domain of science and entered the realm of metaphysics. There is, however, consensus among mystics regarding this sort of thing. An expert on the Kabbalah (the mystical branch of Judaism) once explained it to me like this:

“Imagine you’re dreaming that you’re walking down the street and you suddenly become aware you’re in a dream walking down the street (in other words, you’re having a lucid dream) ..so you walk into a bar and order a beer. Someone sits next to and asks what you are doing in his dream .. and you ask “What are you doing in my dream ..?” Now you know you are sharing a dream-space with another lucid dreamer and not just some other subconscious entity. This affords you some degree of freedom from the subconscious ..however, you still don’t know whose subconscious your experiencing. You tell him to get out of your dream and ‘poof’ ..he disappears. Now you have ownership of the dream and you are in a position to rid yourself of some unwanted experiences stored in the subconscious. One by one, you make the other people in the bar disappear until you’re the only one left. So, you turn-off the lights and the bar disappears ..putting you back out on the street. You’re tired of the space you’re in so you decide to quit participating in its construction. ‘Poof’ ..there goes the street, then ‘poof’ the town and the rest of the world. You’ve managed to pull the rug out from under yourself. When you look down, all you see is an abyss. Nothing left to hang on to. If you’re OK with that ..you’ve reached Nirvana. However, most people get a falling sensation and panic. At this point they either wake up or frantically begin re-populating the dream with instances of subconscious experience. This could either be heaven or this could be hell. Kinda’ depends on what’s in there ..or what Buddhists call karma.”

What the mystics call an abyss ..DiCaprio’s character calls ‘limbo’ “..a lower world of dreams which could mean eternity to a mind stuck in there.” He ought to know, he and his wife spent 50 years in a limbo-world of their own construction. The experience is what makes him a master of the multi-level .. shared ..lucid ..dream-space in the movie.

The speculative fiction of inception can be found here ~>[link]

the psychology of inception

‘Inception’ works on many levels. I’m not even sure I’d call it ‘science fiction’. It is equal parts science, metaphysics and speculative fiction. The premise is based on two known principles: ‘lucid dreaming’ and the ‘construction model’ of perception. Lucid dreaming is the realization that you’re in a dream while you’re having the dream. It is a well-documented experience and can be improved with training. In a lucid dream you can become the architect of your dream environment. That’s where you see the character played by Ellen Page building a virtual ‘Paris’ in her dream while walking down a Parisian street of her own making. The construction model of perception is also valid science. Everyday experience is not a literal transcript of the world but a construction process by the mind. What we think of as real-time consciousness is largely mental fabrication ..part of which comes from the senses .. part of which is supplied by information stored in memory. Neuroscience has detected about a 25-millisecond gap between an event and our experience of it. DiCaprio’s character accurately describes ‘ordinary consciousness’ and ‘dream states’. He draws a picture showing two semi-circles separated by a gap to help Page’s character understand. He explains how ordinary consciousness is largely a construction process populated by characters and events coming from the senses. He says the same holds true for dreams except the characters and events are populated by subconscious memory ..with no input from the senses. Just as there is a gap between sensory events and  awareness ..there is also a gap between subconscious events and awareness in a dream. Inception, he explains, is the process of “..slipping into that gap in order to plant an idea-virus.” An ‘idea virus’ is a real-world phenomenon ..it’s how fashions come and go. The manner in which they describe the way it works is valid psychology. An idea virus is more likely to take hold and influence behavior when someone thinks they took part creating it and feel emotionally vested in it. The success of a planted idea is indeed a function of its emotional value ..and they choose a pretty fundamental human value – parental approval. As children we generally equate approval with how well we model our parents. However, later in life we sometimes learn that their approval is contingent on how dissimilar we are from them ..and how independent we can be. Sort of like hearing them say “..be your own man.” That is the ‘idea’ they planted in the mind of their unsuspecting subject. A young Japanese man about to take over his dying father’s business empire. The purpose is so that he’ll break it up ..something his father had been unwilling to do.

The metaphysics of inception is here ~>[link]

Dreamwork

I remember the dream I had just before I woke up this morning, so I wrote it down ..remembering to take ownership of the different parts of the dream.

The dream: I’m laying on top of a low stone wall ..wearing a charcoal gray Hickey-Freeman suit and waiting for my interviewer to arrive. A fashionably dressed businesswoman, also in charcoal gray, comes out to get me. We walk through rooms full of tall, black high-tech equipment and into her glass office. I have my single-page resume and a head full of job stories ..when suddenly I recognize her as someone I used to work with; a handsomely-attractive business director. I ask myself whether I’m here for the job or the woman (a question I used to ask myself before work). It’s been so long she doesn’t recognize me and I’d kind of like to keep it that way ~Flash~ I’m outside on a residential street, playing frisbee with two former colleagues, while she leans patiently on a parked car, holding my resume and watches. One of my former colleagues shouts “Hey Bill, I got the pictures back from the ski trip last week!” and I look over to see if my cover’s been blown. She’s shaking her head in her hand.

Dreamwork: I am the stone wall ..older but perhaps more solid than before. I am the gray suit ..deceptively conservative. I am the interviewer ..patient and inquisitive, assured I’m going to hire myself ..(?) I am the frisbee ..outdoors and free. I’d be more comfortable on a beach but the street will do. I am the interviewer ..watching myself patiently while I play ..wondering just how serious I am about this whole job thing. I am the co-worker ..possibly trying to sabotage this whole job thing. I am the interviewer ..shaking my head and wondering if I’ll ever grow up.

A blurb about dreamwork can be found here ~>Fritz Perls

my suspicion

(warning: movie-spoiler for the film ‘Shutter Island’)

Rick commented to me, saying “..it’s easy to tell who the mental lightweight is” when referring to someone who ‘saw the movie’ vs. someone who also ‘read the book’. We were talking about ‘Slaughterhouse five’. I disagreed saying that watching a good movie is just as stimulating as reading a good book. Both require equal amounts of mental activity in order to make sense of the story. I even think people are more critical movie-watchers than book-readers. While watching movies, I find myself supplying information that the moviemakers leave out, in order to bridge scenes and re-construct narrative. What doesn’t fit or isn’t resolved to my satisfaction by the end of a movie ..I recognize as speculation and throw it out. If it’s critical to understanding the story ..I blame the moviemakers for leaving it out ..and have fun trashing the film with friends afterward. Not so much with books. I know when I’m talking to somebody about a book I’ve read, and they have a different interpretation ..it’s much harder to convince me that mine is wrong ..no matter how delusional I may be. We were also talking about the movie ‘Shutter Island’. The ending lends itself to competing interpretations. The main character, played by Leonardo DiCaprio, could either be a policeman investigating a crime at a psychiatric hospital ..or a patient confined to the psychiatric hospital. I choose to believe he was a policeman only because the film showed him arriving on the island by boat. I also knew it required an awfully elaborate conspiracy theory, on my part, to support it. Rick thought he was a patient. When I asked why ..he described how events, which lead me to think he was a policeman, were actually simulated by doctors to bring him back to reality. It was easy for me to discard my elaborate theory in favor of his much simpler explanation. When I mentioned this to someone else, they confirmed that it was that way in the book as well. I still don’t know who the lightweight is ..but I have a sneaking suspicion that it’s me.

Altered state

The outcome of legalizing marijuana in California won’t be what you might expect. It doesn’t signal the end of western civilization because laws don’t make that much difference. Most people I know take it or leave it for reasons of their own. I do expect to see a big drop in the price of marijuana. In anticipation, local governments are going to impose a usage tax instead of a sales tax for marijuana purchases. So, even though the price will go down to something like $38.00 an ounce ..we will be paying an additional $50.00 to $100.00 an ounce in fees. I expect this will result in a black market created to avoid paying these fees, which means there will be less money than anticipated for state revenue and we’ll be back to the days when we busted marijuana users for tax evasion. I can’t imagine Humboldt County pot farmers are too enthusiastic. At roughly $14 billion a year, marijuana is the largest cash crop in California. Legalization will definitely take a bite out of their profits. The biggest factor in the price structure is the risk of getting caught. However, in Humboldt they’ve already offset that risk with fees paid to local law enforcement agencies to look the other way. You can do that when you’re the biggest player in the local economy. They may be able to offset their losses by selling to other states. Interstate commerce will be lucrative since it will continue to be a federal offense. I hope there’s a way to create a legal supply chain from the ‘emerald triangle’. They produce the finest quality marijuana in the land ..no one else comes close. One factor that may defeat proposition 19, in addition to overblown fear ..is the loss expected by the legal establishment. Police officers, attorneys, courts and penal institutions are built around treating marijuana users as criminals. I can’t imagine defense attorneys sitting idly by while two thirds of their clientele are about to disappear. Confusing as it might sound, I do hope proposition 19 passes. It’s a step in the right direction. I’ve seen criminal penalties ruin more young lives than marijuana ever did.

Drop in the ocean

The broken BP rig is leaking about 8,820 tons of crude oil into the Gulf every day. It is sickening the ocean and killing marine life. Believe me, I grieve. However, what worries me even more is what we don’t see. A little over half that amount gets burned and released as auto emissions into the skies of Los Angeles every day. That’s somewhere in the vicinity of 4,740 tons of hydrocarbons a day. It is sickening the air we breathe and causing debilitating respiratory problems. Sustained exposure to hydrocarbons compromises the body’s defense system resulting in ailments such as chronic bronchitis and pneumonia. If you don’t believe me, check out an emergency room in L.A on a smoggy summer day. What is even more insidious is what crosses the mother’s placenta, and gets absorbed by the human fetus. Toxins related to hydrocarbons are known to impair prenatal development. This accounts for a higher incidence of developmental disorders such as autism, attention-deficit and dyslexia. Sometimes impairment doesn’t show up until later in life when it becomes visible as signs of depression or schizophrenia. I believe the human suffering caused by addiction to fossil fuel is immeasurable. It makes the Gulf oil spill seem like a drop in the ocean.

Learning theory

(Or other people’s journal)

In college I learned the value of keeping a journal, even if it mostly contains other peoples ideas. I made friends with a returning vet, Nelson ..who went on to become a successful Neuroscientist. He had stopped reading textbooks a long time ago ..but he kept a journal of ideas he heard both inside and outside the classroom. He wrote his own version of them ..paraphrasing what he thought they meant ..annotating where they were coming from .. and how they related to other ideas he had heard. He then drew his own conclusions ..which usually sounded far-fetched to me. He let me look at his journal. I saw fragmented sentences that crumbled into dashes and scribbles. There were diagrams with arrows pointing to other diagrams and more fragmented sentences that crumbled into dashes and scribbles. His own views were heavily circled and punctuated with bold exclamation marks. When he explained them to me ..it didn’t sound like we were talking about the same class. Those journals were all he used to study for the comprehensive exams we took each term. It worked. He wasn’t simply repeating what he had been taught ..he went deeper than that. He could describe the underlying connections that weren’t readily apparent in the lecture material. He could even go beyond the information presented and talk about the possibilities they suggested. Turns out that this was exactly what people in the profession were looking for. Even though the answers he gave were mostly interpretations he made, mildly tempered with feedback from others ..he aced every exam and went on to practice at Stanford.

Charlie

Charlie has always shifted back and forth between homelessness and rent and responsibilities. Like many, I suspect he gets tired of living one way ..and seeks refuge in another. He sorta’ fits my theory about the cyclical nature of human settlement. He’s a Vietnam vet ..went to college on the GI Bill ..worked as a landscape and irrigation foreman ..and head chef at a resort in Encinitas. He took medication for hyperactivity during childhood and suffers post-traumatic stress from the war. He gets easily bored if he stays in one place or job for too long. Last spring he found a grove of wild bamboo growing off the LA River near Boyle Heights. Using his landscape and irrigation skills, he fashioned a kind of oasis. “It’s a place of serenity ..” says another local transient. Since then, Charlie’s been supplementing his income by fixing broken toys he finds in the detritus of West LA ..then selling them at flea markets in East LA.

Raves

I don’t see much difference between the ‘raves’ I go to now, and the rock concerts I used to go to in the 60’s and 70’s. Both involve mind-bending music, mind-altering substances and people colliding on the dance floor. Moving through the crowds, I see people with pupils as big as frisbees and nerve impulses moving to the beat of the sound being pumped out of amplifiers ..or generated by their brains. Makes me wonder if there is something in the human psyche that is fulfilled by these events. Another parallel is the growth in the hallucinogen trade. Ecstasy started out fairly pure in the 1980’s but has become lucrative and heavily cut with amphetamine ..just like LSD was in the 70’s. In addition to higher profits, this has the effect of accelerating the heart rate, delivering the medication much faster and amplifying the effect. Since there’s a fine line between exhilaration and fear ..those added substances can easily push revelry into panic. This in turn causes the heart to pump faster and more erratic, which can result in wicked coronary events. Just like LSD, ecstasy started out legal, but became illegal over the course of concert events. This does not reduce their usage ..but it does reduce their quality, making them less safe to use. I remember watching people freaking-out and experiencing what looked like genuine terror at rock concerts. Now I prefer the high that comes from riding high-amplitude waves into exploding white water. But, hey ..that’s my prerogative.

Lindsay Lohan

I believe when tabloid media over-scrutinizes and characterizes normal adolescent behavior as a ‘downward spiral’ .. it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Especially when you’re a vulnerable teenager who still agonizes over such things as too many freckles. Partying, drinking, cocaine and DUI’s .. are actually typical of someone growing-up in the USA. It is way too soon to be writing her obituary. At least give her a chance to grow up before characterizing her as a burnout. Furthermore, if it’s as excessive as the media portrays, why isn’t someone reaching out to help this poor woman ..? In a random sample of the population, the first DUI can be bad luck .. the second generally signifies a drinking problem. She has two. But she’s not a typical example. The constant glare of paparazzi distorts the picture and you can’t tell if the problem is real or exaggerated. If it’s real, she needs help ..not character assassination. Last May, she was at Cannes promoting her new film project. She succeeded in securing the financial backing she needed. Ask Spike Lee, that’s no mean feat. To me, it sounds like she’s doing what needs to be done to rehabilitate her career. When she flew home late and missed her probation hearing (for the 2007 DUI’s) ..I believe the judge wanted to set an example. She ordered her to wear an ankle bracelet that monitors alcohol consumption. The bracelet sounded an alarm two weeks later from the MTV Movie Awards; so now Lindsay is facing jail time. Beneath the sensationalized tabloid news, Lindsay Lohan is an actress of enormous talent. Cutting her off at the knees would be an unconscionable act. It sounds like an insidious conspiracy to bring her down by tabloid-attack, public avarice and industry envy. Unlike jealousy, envy drives people to bring down others who possess talents they don’t. If you don’t believe me, read Ayn Rand .

Socialist Republic of California

I remember when I was going to school, I often heard conservatives from the generation before me refer to it as ‘the socialist state university of California’ ..and a typical exchange might go something like this:

“So Bill, what are you doing for your thesis ..?”
“Studying how people can be easily misinformed ..like deceptive advertising, that sort of thing.”
“Oh, so you can devise better methods of propaganda ..”
“No, so we can teach better methods of detecting it ..” 

Later, I would discover that they were going around saying:“Hey, did you know Bill is studying to be a propaganda minister .” At first, I took it as a joke ..and laughed  it off. Then one day I kind of got the gist of it when someone at work got real pissed and told me how unfair it was: “Even though I didn’t go to college, I have to pay so punks like you can.” And I thought, yeah .. it was part of a land-grant act to put aside state funds for higher education. Later I discovered some people actually believe universities teach communist principles. Why ..? Because, as the name implies, universities teach universal principles, paving the way for a one-world society. And here I thought they were teaching us how to communicate better with other societies. When I look at the wars we’ve been fighting, I realize how easily misinformed I have been.

Progression

“The natural progression
Is the coming of your age
But they cover it with shame
And turn it into rage.”

To the generation that came of age in the 1950’s, the term ‘progressive’ meant ‘socialism’. That’s because the socialist party in the 40’s and 50’s called itself the ‘progressive party’. I did not know that, which probably says something about my knowledge of history. To the generation that came of age in the 1970’s and 80’s (my generation) ..the term ‘progressive’ meant just what the dictionary says: a keen interest in new developments and fresh ideas ..with all the positive connotations I thought that implied. Since advances in science and technology were progressing at lightening speed, I thought being progressive was a healthy mental outlook. In college, I chose a field of study that allowed me to take courses in psychology, neuroscience and information science. I thought that showed signs of being forward-thinking and progressive. It wasn’t until later, when I joined a political discussion group, that I learned it was also what made me a ‘liberal’, and sometimes even a ‘socialist’, to the people of my father’s generation. I have no such political convictions. I like to consider myself an independent thinker who doesn’t lend himself to labels of a bygone era.

Afghanistan

I wouldn’t ordinarily be writing about the situation in Afghanistan, but since I am familiar with one of their chief exports, hashish ..I have been following the war kind of closely. I think there’s a story here. Or some half-baked ideas. I can never tell. But I was wondering, since when is it the role of army generals to build stable communities when all they’ve been trained to do throughout history is knock them down. So now we’ve put them in charge of ‘social engineering’ ..a practice we abhor in the west ..and rightly so. It doesn’t lead to ‘participatory’ government. Instead, it contributes to feelings of helplessness by replacing traditional customs with circumstances that the local population had no hand in creating ..and over which they have no control.

There’s another mission that’s equally unclear to me “Our goal is to break Taliban momentum.” What the hell does that mean in a town where the Taliban have already seized the means of production, which in addition to producing hashish, means subsistence-level bakeries. You think the villagers want to participate in U.S efforts to ‘break Taliban momentum’ when their survival instincts fill them with a sense of foreboding.

Last week Obama sacked a commanding general for using the term ‘diplomatic incoherence’ to describe the difference between what is happening in Afghanistan ..and what the U.S government would have us believe is happening in Afghanistan. Call me a cynic, but I don’t believe that giving the military contradictory goals like ‘building stable communities’ and ‘breaking Taliban momentum’ is going to lead to anything like the ‘progress’ I’ve been hearing about from politicians. I’m hunkering down for a long-term disruption in the supply of hash from Afghanistan.

Grace

Grace left and I thought I was losing my mind.. I couldn’t sleep unless I passed-out on the balcony after several bottles of Chardonnay. Sitting in the house was torture, so I walked in circles around town. Some days I’d walk down 2nd street to the Bay ..where I’d visit Claudia, who was deaf ..but a good listener. Other days I’d head up to Broadway and Cherry, and sit in Benny’s costume jewelry shop just to listen to him talk. I even read his complete college dissertation on ‘Myrna Loy’. Then there was 4th street to Orizaba ..where I’d visit the funky art stores and antique mart. Behind them were like miles of alleyways with garages loaded with antiques. They’d take me walking out back, opening one door after another ..and we never reached the end. Then I’d duck into Phil Yeh’s hand-drawn comic book shop, where I’d sit and read for hours. He didn’t seem to mind and I found it comforting there ..I don’t know why. Sometimes I’d duck into the Art theater, have popcorn for dinner and watch a movie. Saw a string of French films I’ll never forget: ‘Betty Blue’ ‘Vagabond’ and ‘Return of Martin Guerre’. Often I’d head up Broadway to Orizaba ..where I’d visit Dr. Russell, who could immediately detect pain. He explained to me how pain sends messages to the brain telling it to flee possible injury, and energizes you for flight. He helped me understand that I was not losing my mind. So, I kept walking in giant circles around town all day .. for months.

false memory

I ask Randy how things went at the V.A. He describes his visit in full detail. When I follow up, they tell me he never arrived. I tell them there must be a mistake. They check again and tell me there’s no mistake. I’m like, wtf is going on here. I ask to see his counselor. The counselor tells me about a condition they frequently see called ‘false memory syndrome’ He goes “It’s where you remember things that you planned to do as though you actually did them.” But I go, this was way too elaborate .. I mean, he told me what he had for lunch .. the ride over .. what they talked about in the car, etc.. His counselor goes, “Yeah ..he’s afraid of missing something so he conjures them up. It’s a coping strategy and should go away pretty soon” I’m dumbfounded. He goes on to explain “You’ve heard of the belief where, if you think about something, it can be the same as doing it ..? The book of Matthew says anyone who even looks at a woman with lust in his eye has already committed adultery. Well, consider this an extension of that ..where thinking about something can lead to the mistaken belief that it must have happened.” I try to put it in words I can understand “Sounds something like virtual reality ..(?)” “You could say that” Now I’m driving home, going ..OK, did that just happen, or do I only think it happened ..? Now I’m wondering how many things I’ve accomplished that never got beyond the planning stage.

Dissolution II

Continued from  ~>[ link ]

 

David shows up at my kitchen table one day looking troubled. His Hawaiian liaison was getting kinda’ weird. He felt they were at a point where it was OK to kiss .. perhaps even neck. But she’d get uncomfortable, freeze-up, burst-out crying then lock herself in her room. I thought, oh man ..this is not what he needs right now. I didn’t know what to say except everyone’s different ..there are no rules ..and thought about my own misadventures. It continued this way for a while and he’d show up all dejected looking. Then he finished his degree, got a teaching gig in Huntington Beach and stopped coming by altogether.

After class one day, I suggested to a friend that we go have drinks at ‘Executive Suites’ ..remembering what David had told me about the place. He burst out laughing and told me that it’s a notorious lesbian bar. I was like ..OK, that explains things. But I had to wonder ..did David not realize that. Possibly, I forgot to mention that he was a bit naive. Things began to unravel after that. In the evenings, I began noticing something peculiar ..an older fellow with long hair, handle bar mustache and dirty work clothes sitting in his truck chugging beers ..tall cans of Colt 45 to be exact. When I’d arrive home from class at night, he’d be gone but his truck would be there. Didn’t bother me. This was largely student housing, which made him stand out ..that’s all. Then one evening, while he was sitting in his truck chugging beers, Diane pulls up in the driveway, gets out and goes inside. Next, I see truck guy get out and go up to her door ..still holding a tall one. I’m like, yikes ..and thought about dialing 911. However, when she opens the door ..she squeals, throws herself in his arms, wraps her legs around his waist and he carries her inside and shuts the door. My first thought was ‘poor David’. My second thought was .. that tells me something. It was never about the wine ..or David’s choice of jobs or anything. I had it all wrong. We had it all wrong ..I’m not sure David ever knew Executive Suites was a lesbian club ..or that Diane had a lover.

Dissolution I

While I was in college, I lived next door to a delightful couple, David and Diane. They were born-again Christians. David was working on his teaching credentials, while Diane worked as an administrative assistant to a VP. David was outgoing and gregarious, while Diane was shy and reserved. I got to know David better. I remember one day, sitting at my kitchen table, listening to him tell me about a recent turn of events in their marriage. Diane had begun criticizing him for the glass of wine he has with dinner. He defended himself by quoting from the bible, claiming “Jesus drank wine”. On another occasion, he was moaning that, in restitution for that ‘sin’ ..Diane was now refusing to participate in another ‘sin’ ..sex. Now that was a major wrinkle. I had no answer except to agree that she may be overreacting. I asked if there was something else going on. The plot thickens. She was also complaining about being the sole source of income and telling David that he should get his real estate license ..or sell insurance ..or something. My concern was that a full-time job might delay the credentials he needed for the job he really wanted. But David was resourceful. He was a talented musician and began getting nighttime gigs singing and playing guitar at local clubs. I soon learned that this was another source of grievance for Diane ..she felt he was heading directly to Sodom and Gomorrah. Then one day he dropped the bomb. They were separating. I was saddened. He was devastated. I tried to console. He had a lot going for him. I mean, he was handsome (he looked like a young Treat Williams) ..and talented and so close to finishing his education. David moved out but continued to appear at my kitchen table (when he knew his wife was at work). He told me about one of the clubs he played at called ‘Executive Suites’ on PCH, where the girls outnumber guys like 10 to 1. He tells me I outta’ go there sometime ..I couldn’t miss. He says between acts he sits at a table with a group of babes all to himself. I laughed because I could see that this was a definite boost to his ego. One day he came by to tell me he had hooked-up with of his ‘groupies’ ..a tall Hawaiian beauty ..and that this was all right because his marriage was still on-hold. Now, whenever I saw him .. he was floating on air. I was happy for him.

to be continued ~> [ link ]..

Ryan and Audrey part 2

Continued from  ~>[ part 1 ]
 

Next time I saw Audrey, I casually asked how things were working out with her and her ‘tenant’. She smiles sheepishly and says “uncomfortable!” Being nosy, I ask “How so ..?” She invites me in for a chat. “He never leaves ..” she says. “From his room, you mean ..?” “No, he’s waiting for me when I get home from work.” The plot thickens. “You mean you don’t get any privacy ..?” “Worse, he has dinner on the table, flowers, candles, Beatles’ music ..” This sounded sweeter than I thought. “What, you don’t like the Beatles ..?” She gives me that ‘you know what I mean’ look and says “I’m talking school-boy crush here.” “Sounds flattering” I say, trying for some reason to help Ryan’s cause. “Not when it’s coming from a teenager” she replies. “He’s not a teenager anymore, is he ..?” “It feels like it to me ..I feel like his mother.” “I understand.” She goes on to say “I don’t need that ..and I’m sure-as-shit he doesn’t either.” Ryan moved out shortly afterward and later transferred to Cal Poly in San Luis Obispo to pursue studies in architectural drafting. A stellar choice I believe. He’d been struggling trying to choose a field. Audrey got it right. I wonder if he would have made the same move had they been living together ..one way or the other.

Ryan and Audrey part 1

Audrey lives nearby. She’s a high-power attorney, and looks it. Armani suits ..stiletto-heel pumps ..dark stockings with a line up the back. She’s very professional and accomplished. Ryan also lives nearby. He’s an awkward first year student at the university. He rents a house with three other roommates. Although he is quiet and shy by nature ..he is over 6 feet tall and looks a lot like the actor Adrien Brody. When his roommates graduated and moved on ..Ryan didn’t want the hassle of finding new roommates. He asked Audrey if he could rent a room. She agreed. The next time I saw Ryan, I asked him how things were going. He said things were going well, but he was having ‘woman problems’. That surprised me. I couldn’t imagine a woman shortage at the university .. not for him anyway. He tells me he’s not interested in college girls “..all in ripped jeans, sandals and everything.” I wondered what difference that made ..I mean, he dresses like that ..so does everyone else in college. He says he prefers more professional-looking women. I go “..are you talking like, dark suits and pumps ..?” “Exactly ..!” I’m like, uh oh ..

Continued ~> [ part 2 ]

Morning

I wake up in a trance ..take two hits of ginseng and chase them with dark coffee. I put on something compelling and turn it up loud. I borrow the will of the music to propel me. Today it’s Emilie Autumn, who is a recently discovery, but it’s whatever stimulates. Has to be something clever and edgy though. By the time I’m fully awake, I’m sitting outside on the deck, partway through a bowl of yogurt and granola, partway into a newspaper article. Today it’s about Abby Sunderland. There’s also a stack of papers and stuff I printed from the web. I’m an information junkie. I like reading material that is not written in conventional narrative ..but comes closer to expressing the unsteady course of everyday events. I suppose that’s why I prefer travel logs and stories about people beating the odds.

“We shall not cease from exploration
and the end of our exploring will be
to arrive where we started
and know the place for the fist time”
~ T.S. Eliot

Lady of Shallot

Four grey walls, and four grey towers, Overlook a space of flowers, And the silent isle imbowers The Lady of Shalott.

~ Lord Tennyson

Emilie Autumn

This performance fascinates me ..

Aftermath

“What happened ..?”
“You were hit by an IED, dude.”
“No, that was somebody else ..”
“You’re good man, you still got your feet.”
“Where are you ..?”
“Checking your pupils.”
“Where am I ..?”
“On a berm.”
“How did I get here ..?”
“You were blown here ..you’re lucky.”
“Where is here ..I don’t remember ..I can’t see.”
“Don’t worry, it’s temporary ..you’ll see fine in just a moment.”

Back in the States, Johnny has lapses in consciousness where he tells me he leaves his body .. travels back to Iraq and becomes someone else ..just before they get hit by an IED. Each time, he says ..the same conversation takes place. I ask the VA about this and they tell me it’s a documented condition called ‘disassociative fugue’. I tell them it sounds frighteningly supernatural to me. They say it will go away soon.

Memory

Words and events fade in an instant. What isn’t remembered is doomed to be repeated. Who knows how long this exchange has been going on, or will continue to go on, without memory.