Esalen (day twelve)

I pop a couple of chewable vitamin-C in my mouth ~ walk down to the lodge for breakfast ~ have a dish of yogurt, figs and granola ~ then go outside to sit and watch the mist rise. I meet Meinolf, a Child Psychologist from Germany and I tell him a little about my studies in childhood reading ~ he tells me how often children mis-interpret what adults tell them ~ to a child, the phrase ‘how many times do I have to tell you to be quiet’ often comes across as: ‘you’re too small, noisy and bothersome to have anything useful to say’ ~ which can take a toll on their self-worth. His job is not to correct the adults, he says, but to help children interpret it better. Afterwards, we go to the round house where James Baraz is leading a group meditation ~ he gives us a fairly simple question to meditate: “What people or places incline us toward happiness” ~ since my usual practice does not involve question answering, I just sit still and watch my thoughts go by ~ things like what’s happening this afternoon ~ my plans for Santa Cruz and San Jose ~ I begin to noticing the natural cycle of my thoughts ~ rising ~ dissolving ~ and vanishing into nowhere ~ until I begin asking myself which one’s are important ~ then it becomes more like ~ rising .. persisting .. persisting .. persisting ..until I remind myself to let go. The bell rings ~ James looks around the room and asks if anyone wants to share their experience ~ I go: “I was thinking about what you said before about happiness ~ and sometimes ~ for me anyway~ happiness comes when I least expect it ~ even when things don’t go the way I plan.” ~ suddenly, it feels like everyone in the room is staring at me in horror ..like I just contradicted the leader ..or missed the point of the session ~ I blurt out: “yesterday, for instance ~ I had reservations for a massage ~ I was soaking in the springs waiting for the massage ~ expecting a massage ~ really wanting a massage ~ then I learned that there would be no massage (due to a scheduling mix-up) ~ my first reaction was surprise ~ then major disappointment ~ I don’t think I got angry ~ but I did take a moment to process this information ~ and decided to go back and soak some more ~ while sitting in the baths ~ I got to watch a spectacular sunset ~ have an interesting conversation with a group of people from Toronto ~ and have one of the most soothing nights in the springs ~ didn’t even care if I missed dinner.” I expect James to say something like: “that’s one way to do it ..not making yourself unhappy ..” instead, he says: “that shows an advanced level of awareness ..thank you Lee ..!” then he gives me a thumbs-up sign. The gesture is lost on me. ~ I slump back on my pillow and say: “not really, I’m just a beginner” ~ Meinolf and I have lunch together ~ he tells me that he feels like one of the dyslexic kids I was talking about before ~ speaking English all day is wearing out his ‘phonological system’ ~ he says he can imagine what kids must go through trying to keep up with adult conversation ~ I laugh and tell him: “that shows an advanced level of awareness ..” and give him the thumbs-up ~ he’s in on the joke and laughs ~ I’m going to miss him, I tell myself, as he disappears down the path to the baths. I finish packing and disappear up the road to Santa Cruz.