Just breathing

Needless to say,
 I’m odds and ends
Stumbling away,
Slowly learning
that Life is OK 

 I practice breathing exercises, not because I’m a follower of ‘new age’ fashion but because it works for me. It improves my resolution in addition to my well being. I breathe in deeply ..hold my breath for several seconds ..and breathe out slowly. Now, I realize that everyone breathes ..but I try to do it ‘mindfully’, which is simply to say ..I pay attention to it. Frequently, my mind wanders ..and I’m thinking about what Laura said the day before ..or wondering if the roof is going to collapse tomorrow ..and I forget to breathe out ..until I’m gasping for air ..which tells me I’m not paying enough attention ..which makes my mind wander again .. thinking about how undisciplined I am and so on. So, I’ve learned to trick myself by making ’wandering mind’ part of my practice ..and watching where it goes. It frequently gets wrapped up in what other people are thinking about me ..or my music ..my posture ..my flaws ..and, not only now ..but what they thought of about me yesterday as well ..in addition to what they might think about me tomorrow ..which is an endless cycle because I never really know what people are thinking. I rarely get it right even when they’re in the same room. But I keep on guessing ..coming up with things like: ‘My neighbor Don doesn’t believe I’m doing my part to keep the creek clean’ ..or ‘My musician friend Dez thinks my CD collection is shallow’ ..and, of course: ‘My Dad doesn’t approve of anything I do’. Which leads me to believe that my brain is kind of like a simulation device that creates ‘instances’ of people ..gives them traits and qualities like ‘Don-ness’ or ‘Dez-ness’ ..presents them with hypothetical situations ..and sees how they are going to react. But, what’s even more important ..it tries to determine what they are going to think of me personally. Which tells me that my mind is constantly working to keep my image from falling apart.